Broke up and broken up

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Broke up and broken up
6
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 12:26pm

Hi

I’ve had postings previously about my live-in boyfriend of 2 years.  Finally, I recently broke up with him, although I am second-guessing myself.  He skis, I don’t.  He goes camping with his friends (both women and men), I don’t.  I hurt myself skiing and I am not conditioned to go canoeing and camping for 3 days straight.  Where does that leave me? (behind and alone).  He lived with me during the weekdays as we both work.  We go to his Lake House on the weekends.  If I don’t go to his Lake House on the weekends, then he goes up alone leaving me behind and alone.  His philosophy is that he shouldn’t have to pay me expenses living at my house as we go to his house on the weekends (although I don’t every weekend).  I have to ask him to help around the house at my house.  He is perfectly fine working on his house all weekend doing projects.  Where does that leave me? (alone and bored).  He goes off skiing and camping with his friends.  Whenever his friends come to visit us, all they talk about is skiing and camping and I am totally ignored and left out of the conversation   I oftentimes feel totally left out and hurt, until finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I leave the room.  The last straw was when he went away camping with his friends for 3 days.  We hadn’t seen each other from Thursday evening until Monday evening.  So what does he do?  Look at photos on his computer of his weekend with his friends.  That’s when I decided enough is enough.  Am I wrong or being overly sensitive?  Any advice would be welcoming.

Thanks,

Nancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 1:52pm

I remember reading about your situation in the past. You mentioned the lack of compatibility and that he ignored you when his friends were around, but I don't think you've ever said what was good about the relationship, why you and he liked being together, that you had any special bond? It sounded more like a relationship of convenience.

After not seeing each other for several days, you would think that he would want to spend the evening catching up with you instead of reliving his weekend. That action says a lot and you took the hint. I think its a good thing that you finally broke it off. Stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 2:35pm
Hi Not only was he disrespectful but he also critized me in bed. That Was my breaking point
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 3:31pm

I also remember you.  I think multiple people have been telling you for a long time that you should break up with this guy because you just aren't compatible (different interests, etc.) so I agree that you are right to break up with him.  It just doesn't seem like he cares about you that much--he does his thing and you can go along with it or not, but if you don't, he'll still just do what he wants.  A good partner would be willing to compromise, like cut down on the skiing and camping because you don't do it and do things that you want to do sometimes.  He should just look for someone who shares his interests and so should you.  I know you'll be second guessing yourself for a while because you were used to being with him, but don't.  And I would bet that  he doesn't really beg you to come back either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Wed, 10-09-2013 - 3:43pm
Thanks for your response
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Sun, 10-13-2013 - 5:11pm

Let me add some fule to the fire, so to speak.

I am in a similar situation. I run and bike several times a week. I have friends who run and bike as well. My  wife acts like she wants to be involved in these activities. We ha ve bought running appearal, shoes, a new road bike, helmet, etc so that she and I can ride or run togetherShe is not at the same fitness level as me or my friends. ( MY FRIENDS remember that quote.) I make the effort to run or ride slow so that we can BE TOGETHERE  Every time when it is time to go for a run or a bike ride, she magically  has some reason she cannot come with me. It's to hot, too cold, its raining, the sun is out, the clouds are out, it might rain, it might snow, my head hurts, etc etc etc. The excuses are non ending.  ) Sometimes we have easy group rides to try and get other people into bicycling, We do easy routes, and go slow and easy. Even on these rides she has reasons not to ride, or she will go on the ride, but to only ride about 1/4 of he way and I have to go get her in the truck. When she does this I feel she takes away from my enjoyment, she also puts a damper on group activities when there are group rides or group runs.  My friends do not invite her anymore to these activities. They are also getting to the point where they are hesitant on inviting me to join them in  non running or bicycling activities.

About 15 years ago I wanted to learn to play guitar. So I bough a guitar, took lessons. She then decided she wanted to lean how to play the piano. We both thought It would be fun if we could sit around and play music together. I bought her a Roland keybaord/piano.  She took two lessons, would never practice. As you know it takes hours of practice to learn how to play an instrument. She always had an excuse not to practice, too tired, hy head hurts, I do not feel like it, etc etc etc. So after abour two years I sold the Roland.  Her comment was oh well....

We hardly do anything together. We took some dance lessons a year ago.  We went to two lessons togther. That was as far as we went.. We have no hoobies in common, well she has no hobbies, no goals.

I f we decide to go out to a bar for the night. I will order a drink, she orders water and just sits there.

I do not go away for long weekends. I do not leave her home for days at a time. I do leave her for hours at a time when I  go out for a long ride  with friends. Which might be 4-8hrs. There are no overnight trips with these freinds where I leave her alone.

I am convinced all she wants to do is just sit around the house and do nothing.


male65401




resize2.jpg image by Roy5k2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 11:04am

I think it's sad when a couple can't find activities that they like to do in common.  I love to do ballroom dancing and I know there are guys there who were probably dragged by their wives and it wasn't their first choice but a lot of them end up really enjoying it too.  I think a couple has to have some common interest to keep the marriage together, otherwise you might as well be roommates, not that they have to do everything together.  

I know when I started doing on line dating, I would look at the guy's interests, for ex, if he was really into doing a lot of sporty type things like bike riding, hiking, skiing, I know that would not be for me.  For people who aren't married yet, there's no point in trying to force someone to be someone they are not.  It's a lot easier to try to find someone who already likes the same interest.