Broke up with boyfriend of 7 years
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| Sun, 06-03-2007 - 12:23am |
Hi,
I am new to the board! I broke up with my boyfriend of over 7 years a month ago and we have been hanging out as friends. I initiated the break-up because I wanted to feel wanted and was hoping he would do something out of his way to get me back. The problem is, now he wants to hang out as friends and doesn't want to get back together. I am devastated! We were planning to move into a new condo in a year, I have been away at grad school and this has been a huge strain on our relationship only seeing each other once a week. He is really busy with work, school, and other initiatives. He told me he wouldn't get back with me unless I went into therapy because he believes I have some deeper issues. I know I must, and am in the process of finding a therapist. It feels like my whole world just fell apart and there is nothing I can do to fix it! I don't have many friends, none that I consider close, and need to talk this out with other women in similar situations. All I want is to fix our relationship and get back together, it's strange, because we spend time together and can talk openly about our feelings, but he keeps repeating that he loves me but can't get back together with me. I am completely crushed. Any response would be appreciated.
Thanks

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I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It is tough. You took a
chance and it didn't work. Maybe this is a blessing, showing you
before you get in deeper that now isn't the right time.
The group tends to suggest staying away and having no contact
what so ever for at least thirty days. That seems to help, give you
both time. Thin you could do it?
First of all, I commend both of you on still being friends after the breakup. I wish I could say my now ex and I are still friends, but he decided we shouldn't, so I'm moving on with my life. The bad part is that I think he had a motive. And we didn't even know each other that long! LOL Check out the Relationships in our 20s board to check out more on my story.
As for you, it sounds like there is no chance at all of him getting back together with you- at least for the moment. I'm glad you're in the process of finding a therapist, and that's wonderful. It's a step in the right direction. If he doesn't want to get back with you even after you see a therapist, let him move on with his life. I know that's hard to do after 7 years of being together, but when a door in your life is shut, let it stay shut (after all, when a door is shut, a window is soon to open!). That's what I'm doing anyway, and I actually feel a little better now because of it.
Good luck...let me know how things turn out!
Hi girly_girl2007,
::I initiated the break-up because I wanted to feel wanted and was hoping he would do something out of his way to get me back. The problem is, now he wants to hang out as friends and doesn't want to get back together.
What a very valuable, but difficult lesson.
I'm in almost the exact situation. In March my then fiancé sat me down to say he wasn't ready for marriage. We'd been together close to 7 years. He then went on to say that we both felt the same way, that we loved each other but weren't in love anymore. I had to catch my breath when he said that. I was desperately in love with him. I lived my life for him. We worked very hard to buy our first home together (Luckily the deed and mortgage are in my name only!) We had been engaged for almost 3 years at that point. I asked him why he proposed if he didn't want to marry. He said it's because that’s what he thought he was supposed to do. I said it was fine if he didn't want to get married yet, our life was working out well as presently configured. He went on to list a few more reason that he didn't want to be with me… Weight gain, lack of motivation to go back to school… things that I wanted in my own life for myself that of course I could work on. I had put many of my desires on hold to help him get ahead in life. I gave him a few things that he could improve on for me as well. He then said he didn’t want children. This is something I could just not compromise on. He left on April 6th and moved in with a friend. Of course when the hurt was fresh I wanted to work it out with him. He said I just didn't do it for him anymore. I had found a photo on our computer of a girl a week before our breakup and he said he was just using her as an outlet emotionally and sexually though he had never actually done anything 'physical' with her. Still cheating in my book.
He would come by periodically to grab boxes of his belongings. We would chat about our days. I blew up at him a few times over financial things. He wanted me to sell the house to pay off an equity loan in both of our names. Then on Mothers day he came over and my father was there and spoke with him a while. After my father left he broke down in tears. I think he realized he had given up more than just me. He has no family in this area and isn't close with them anyway. He said he was so sorry, that he just wanted to go back to months ago when things were ok between us. He felt like he was having a midlife crisis at the age of 24. He was overwhelmed with work as he travels for a living. His mother was trying to come back into his life after 20 years of absence. He had run over our cat a few months earlier…. And so on… I told him I wanted to go back as well but we couldn't go back. We needed to work on ourselves before we could work on 'us'. If we could be strong as individuals we would just revert back to our old ways and be miserable. I told him he needed therapy to deal with his issues and he agreed. (Wow I'm jabbering on!)
We still talk daily over email, texting, or the phone. We've been to dinner. I've been to his new place. We talk about the same things we used to but our interaction is different. He still uses his pet names for me. I don't know if it's out of habit or comfort or what.
It's hard to get everything out on here how things are and how I feel. This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The only positive things I can think of is that this will make us stronger as individuals and maybe as a couple and I would rather have him leave now and figure out his issues than have married me and had children and lived with doubt and possible regret for the rest of our lives. I just keep telling myself with or without him my life will be better.
hi girly girl..i'm going to go on a different direction than the posters here.
first of all, one thing that you probably learned by breaking up with him and hoping for a grand gesture from him to get you back is that things never turn out the way we expect. you can't control someone else's responses or actions. in a way you were trying to test him which is unfair. you put him through the pain of breaking up with him just so you can see what he would do to get you back. i'm sorry to be harsh but that's not a very mature way to deal with a relationship. what you could've done is talked to him about how you felt. that you didn't feel wanted any more. and try to address it through an honest conversation between the two of you. i'm not going to say that if you did that the results would've been different. but at least that would've been a way where you could've been upfront with him rather than try to test him.
with that said, what's done is done. so what i would suggest is own up to it. just tell him, look i did a stupid mistake. i was feeling insecure and unwanted and i wanted to shake things up a bit. and i regret doing it. but tell him that you love him and want him in your life. and that you want to address the issues that you have and that you're taking steps to do that. and just talk to him. ask him why he thinks it's better off to stay friends. maybe there are things going on in his mind that you don't know about. and just take it from there. maybe you both need a break to sort things out in your mind. but dont try to push things too much.
one of the main things that i've seen on this board is there's a lot of "sudden" breakups. and i feel that so many of them can be attributed to a lack of proper communication. we keep all these things and feelings piled up and then when we can't take it any more we just do a rush action because that's the only way we can immediately address it (that goes for the dumpers and the dumpees). why do we find it so easy to talk to our friends about what's right and wrong in our relationship with a significant other, but it's so hard to actually say that to our significant other? i dont know the answer but for me at least i'm hoping that for the next guy i am with, i'm better able to do that.
good luck and whatever happens you'll be fine i promise.
I did the same thing - I was with someone for 8 yrs and we broke up last summer because I felt like it had become comfortable and I wanted him to chase me so that I would know he wanted to be with me. It didn't happen - he didn't know what to do and the more he pulled away the more I tried things to get him to chase. I went out on a date and eventually ended up sleeping with someone else. I look back now and can see that what I did was wrong but at the time I felt very helpless.
If he wants you to go to therapy and he's honestly what makes you happy - do it. Worry more about yourself though then getting back with him. I know - easy to say - very hard to do when it's about love. I was so caught up in the first couple months of therapy that I don't think I learned much from it.
And I don't know your situation and everyone is different - but do you want him back because now he's a chase???
Not trying to insult or upset you - feel free to write back or discuss it with me. I know what it's like to not have many close friends.
Hi Satisy,
I can somewhat relate to you. People change over time. We were planning to move in together in a year and those plans seem to have gone down the drain. I am going to see a professional tonight to talk about the break-up, I feel this is the best thing i can do for myself at this time and get on with my life. I want to be with him, but I know that we will have the same problems. Most of our problems were over time spent together, I was away at school an hour drive and I worried that living in the same city again we still wouldn't see each other more then once a week. I know I was being a crazy person for acting that way. I love him. I guess I just need to get on with my new life with out him and accept that it's not meant to be even after 7 years. I planned my entire life around us and it is so upsetting to have someone turn around and tell you they don't want you back. He wanted to continue our sexual relationship without being in a relationship and I told him that had to stop a week ago. As of the Sunday I haven't spoken or emailed him. I am trying to make it a week. I was really upset on Saturday when we went out to an all night charity event together with his co-workers, then he invited me out brunch with 2 other couples, and let me stay at his house to sleep after 29 hours awake. Unfortunately I asked if I could check my email and his facebook account was open to a the inbox page. He was planning to meet a girl for coffee on sunday night for "a long talk" and for her to give him his birthday present and she signed it "XOXO". I was really upset and asked him about it and he told me it was none of my business. He slept with me on Tuesday and was going out for a date on Sunday. This is a completely different man then the one I feel in love with and was dating for over 7 years. He recently started working out and is looking hot, and bought a condo, that we picked out, that we were supposed to share, and I feel like he is trying to discard me after all I did for him, which is a lot. He made many changes in his life because of me, and has thanked me many times, but it feels like he got what he needed from me and is taking off. I am an attractive intelligent woman, and lots of men have asked me out over the years and tried to get between my ex-boyfriend and I, but I have never let them. It is such a slap in the face! Anyways, I thought I would share. I will keep everyone updated on my therapy session and whether I can stick it out for a week! I have never been to therapy before, so I am kind of excited, and know my friends are sick of hearing me whine. That's why I joined the board!
ttyl
cnfusedg,
Thanks for the advice, you have some very good points and I might try some of your suggestions next time. I know breaking up is an immature way to deal with the situation, i tried to talk things out first, but he started whining that I was nagging him. I think we both just need time, and I figure if it is meant to be it will be.
Thanks Again
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