Broke up with boyfriend of 7 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Broke up with boyfriend of 7 years
13
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 12:23am

Hi,

I am new to the board! I broke up with my boyfriend of over 7 years a month ago and we have been hanging out as friends. I initiated the break-up because I wanted to feel wanted and was hoping he would do something out of his way to get me back. The problem is, now he wants to hang out as friends and doesn't want to get back together. I am devastated! We were planning to move into a new condo in a year, I have been away at grad school and this has been a huge strain on our relationship only seeing each other once a week. He is really busy with work, school, and other initiatives. He told me he wouldn't get back with me unless I went into therapy because he believes I have some deeper issues. I know I must, and am in the process of finding a therapist. It feels like my whole world just fell apart and there is nothing I can do to fix it! I don't have many friends, none that I consider close, and need to talk this out with other women in similar situations. All I want is to fix our relationship and get back together, it's strange, because we spend time together and can talk openly about our feelings, but he keeps repeating that he loves me but can't get back together with me. I am completely crushed. Any response would be appreciated.

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 3:59pm

Hi Cathsgsr,

I might just be after him for the chase now. I don't know for sure. I don't plan on sleeping with anyone else at this time. Should I eventually get into a new relationship, I won't be sleeping with a new partner for at least 3 or 4 months into the relationship if not more. He was my first, and right now I can't imagine sleeping with someone else. Maybe it is hormonal or I could be in an addictive relationship. I will need to figure this out for myself. It will take time. I am going to therapy tonight for my first time hopefully it helps! I just have to concentrate on making connections with the other people in my life and thinking about me and what I need for awhile. I picked up my old sketchbooks from art school yesterday, and realized I lost who I was over the years. I am no longer the girl he fell in love with, I am someone else, and he needs to get to know the new me if we ever get back together. I went from being an art school girl to an MBA, and that really changes things, I am still the same girl inside, but have new skills and interests that have helped me grow in new direction for the positive and the negative. I need to work "me" out before I work "us" out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 4:03pm

I sounds like you're in better spirits. Try to stick it out a week, then if you can just go day by day. I had done the whole still sleeping with the ex but in the end you're doing it because you love him and want it to work and he's doing it because .... it's sex.

I've learned that even the nicest guys can act very differently after a break-up. My ex was that I only look at you, I'm not into other girls kinda guy - 20 phone numbers later . . . various random hook ups . . . and a one night stand - I think he changed just a little.

This is a time for you to become independent and grow up. That's the one thing I'm thankful for - even though I loved him and would loved for it to work - I can look back at the past year and see how independent I've become. I used to feel like my life would end w/out him but I know that I can be on my own and meet new people and friends and have fun. I realize I wasn't happy with who I was with him and he's had multiple opportunities to rekindle what we had and get to know me now but he hasn't. And that's his loss, just like you're ex - I guarantee there will be a day that he looks back and realizes what he's lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 4:43pm
From the outside looking in the situation is always clearer. It seems like he's keeping you on the side as his 'just in case'. He knows how you feel and is keeping you around because you're comfortable to him. People look at my current relationship issue and tell me they hope he's not taking advantage of what a nice person I am. I used to feel (and still do sometimes) that if I do nice things for him he'll want to be with me. Like I can love enough for the both of us. Why wouldn't someone want to reciprocate those feelings? I try to make him feel so good, make life as easy as possible why can't he do the same for me?
My sister is currently going through a divorce. Her husband came from a broken family and wanted so much to be different from his father who has been in and out of jail. She thought she could help him, could change or save him. He ended up hooked on drugs. It got to a point where we told her to get rid of him, he was not good enough for her, but she loved him and had to work through that process on her own. You can't always tell people how to feel or what to do. You can only give your honest opinion and support which is why these boards are so good. We're not the first to experience these things and we won't be the last.
I want to be with him. He says he would like to work our relationship out eventually when he gets his own act together. I told him I can't put my life and my dreams on hold and be his back up. I'm quite sure hanging out with him and talking like we do is not going to help me work through my own issues but it's so hard to let go of someone that's been standing beside you through everything for so long. I've spoken to him about this other girl. He says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now, that he was just using her. She knew about me (that trollop!) and I think since he's been single she thinks they can start a real relationship. He says she's become really annoying, that she knew what their 'deal' was before he and I called it quits. I want him to stop all contact with her but I don't feel like it's my place anymore to tell him what to do. I'm concerned with his life but I'm not involved with his day to day needs like I was before. I'm afraid that if I take that girlfriend/ fiancé position right now it would mess things up.
Of course I want to have sex with him but for me it's too emotional and he knows that and says we're not 'there' yet. A part of me is afraid that if I'm not satisfying that need in him someone else will… That kind of physical contact is more then just satisfying a need for most women. Your ex should realize this. He's not thinking about what you want at all. He's getting his and that’s all he cares about. I should repeat some of this to myself. It always seems people can give others great advise but are incapable of following it themselves.
It's hard to let go of the possibility of happiness with a certain person but at what expense? What are we sacrificing or giving up to suffer this misery. Are men worth our sanity? Are they worth giving up our identity?
It's hard to think about but I asked myself when he first left me 'did I mean so little to him. How can he just pick up the pieces and move on so quickly. I cried for us. Can't he cry just a little. And then he did and I cried with him.
My cousin once told me women morn the end of the relationship as if something died, which of course to us something has. Men fill that emptiness with stuff. He's got his new condo and whatever else but in some cases by the time we're over them they've figured out that they can't fill an emtpy heart with stuff. They realize they can't replace love with stuff. We are the only ones that can decide whether or not by that point it's too late for them and if they're worth it.

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