Broke it of on VM

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Broke it of on VM
6
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 8:24pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and over the past 2 to 3 weeks, I have felt very lonely in the relationship for various reasons. Last night I was planning on going over to his house for a visit and told him I would call him between 8 & 8:30. I called and left a message at 8:30 and told him to call me and I can come over anytime. By 9:10 no call and I had a feeling he was home so I took my mom's car and drove by his house since he doesn't know her car and sure enough he was home and outside talking to a buddy, I was pissed as hell so I called again (he didn't pick up) and didn't leave a message and I didn't want to stop by since I didn't want to seem like a stalker. This was pretty much a slap on the face since he wasn't answering my calls and hanging out with his buddy was more important than me. About 10:15, I called one last time for the "break up call". I was hoping he would answer but again, I got his VM. I said "I was hoping to talk to you about this instead of getting your VM but it seems like you don't want to see me or talk to me since you are not returning my calls and I am trying to make an effort to come by and see you. I don't understand what has happened to us and I am hurt that you don't seem to think this warrants a discussion. I have been lonely in this relationship for the last two weeks and it appears that you and I have different goals in our relationship and we need to separate". I told him that I wish him well and I hope he finds what he is looking for in life and is happy. I was very calm (even though the love I had was pure anger at this point) when I left the message but still feel that I should have told him either in person or when he answered the phone but I felt I had no choice since he wasn't answering his phone. I think I just need some assurance or not that I approached this the right way.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 2:51am

It's kind of difficult to know if you approached it the right way because I'm not sure there is a right way. It if felt right to you, then it's right. If you feel comfortable with what you did, that's all that matters.

The one thing that makes me a bit uneasy is that you say you were with him for 8 months. I sort of wonder what the relationship was like before the last two weeks. What I mean is was everything ok, did you enjoy each other's company until two weeks ago and then you decided to leave because he was being distant? I realize I don't know the whole story, but the way you tell it here it sounds like you broke up with him because he didn't answer the phone one night. And I'm not sure that's reason enough to break up with someone. On the other hand, there's probably more to this story than you're telling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:38pm
I would say that you over react but I don't know the whole story. How was your relationship prior to that? If you've been together for 8 months and felt him distancing himself two weeks ago. Shouldn't you take the time to find out why he's acting that way? It might not be about you. If you call several times, its best to wait for a call back give it at least day . Then if you don't hear from him at all even the next day, then you have the right to over react. Sometimes it's easier said than done, unless you're sure that the person is blowing you off, It's best to wait it out. There could be a thousand explaination for his behavior. Sometimes I don't answer my boyfriend's call right away, its not that I don't want to be with him. Sometimes I'm just enjoying my friend's company and I figured we'll talk later or the next day. Communication is the key to any sucessful relationship. It's not realistic to break up over an assumption or the first sign of trouble. Not if you think the relationship is worth the extra mile. Since I don't know the whole story, if its all that you said: YOU DEFINITELY OVER REACT
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:55pm
Over the past 24 hours I have thought about if I have over reacted and sometimes I feel I have but for the last 4 weeks he really hasn't made much of an effort to see me (planning stuff with buddies instead of me) and the last two times we were together, he called me when he was drinking and wanted sex and then went to bed. On top of feeling like his whore and him not making an effort to want to spend time with me I am starting to feel like I did make the right move. He doesn't like to open up and talk about his feelings and I even asked over a week ago where we were because I was thinking about taking a job out of town and he couldn't answer the question, all he could say is that I should take the job if it is going to better my life for my daughter and I and we will work out what needs to be with our relationship. He has also been taking on the average of two days sometimes to return my call and the fact that I was planning on coming over Wednesday night and said he wanted to see me but didn't answer his phone after calling him 4 times isn't a good sign that he wants to be with me. He should have picked up his phone and said "Hey, I am with a buddy right now, can I call you back later" but to totally ignore me was very hurtful. Basically, for the last month, I have been the one who does most of the calling, I ALWAYS come over to his house. He has only been to my house twice during the 8 months and I have been told that he is just so used to doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it because he has been divorced for 18 years. I guess I should have mentioned this before since I didn't give the whole story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 1:18pm
There is more and I should have mentioned that. Really, over the last 4 weeks he hasn't made much of an effort to see me, making plans with buddies or leaving for the lake without me. We don't see each other very often because I am a single mom and the 2 weekends a month I don't have my daughter, I always set that weekend aside for him. The past two weekends I haven't had my daughter, he made plans with his fishing buddies and last weekend he went to the lake, he was back by Saturday night and I offered to come over but he wanted to go to bed instead and then I didn't get a call at all from him the next day. I basically, didn't get a call from him until two days later which was being the norm for him. The last two times we were together, he would call me up during the week when I didn't have my daughter, drunk and wanted sex. Silly me would make the 40 minute drive to his house around 9:00 pm to satisfy his need so he could go to bed. Both times I have felt more like his whore than his girlfriend. So yes, there is more and I have been doing a lot of crying the last 30 days over him. He doesn't seem to want to open up very much and I asked where we were as a couple over a week ago because I was thinking about taking a job out of town and he basically said take the job if it is going to better your life and we will work out what needs to be in our relationship. I guess being stood up Wednesday night was the icing on the cake for me and he proved to me that he really doesn't care enough to at least pick up the phone and say "hey I am busy right now, can I least call you later".
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 1:49pm

Having seen "the rest of the story" now, I'd say that even if you did still overreact to the actual incident, meaning, him not calling you back immediately, I'd say it was definitely built up slowly over the past month becuase of how he'd been treating you (last minute phone calls for sex only, not meeting you halfway to come to your house, always on his turf).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 2:54pm
Now I understand where you're coming from. I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe that new job offer will be a blessing, the best way to start over. He's right about doing what's best for you and your daughter. I believe in destiny, maybe God has someone better in store for you. There's nothing worst than to be in a relationship and still feel lonely, it's better to be alone. I'm happy to know that you're not one of these women who thinks a bad relationship is better than nothing. You did the right thing....Never second guess your gut feeling. Good luck, keep your head up.