Broke up last night

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Broke up last night
7
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:00pm
I just broke up with my boyfriend last night. We were on our way home after a weekend together during which he was very cold. I was angry and hurt and I told him so. We had been having a lot of trouble, and I couldn't really find a way to resolve it. I mean I can't do it alone, right? And he seemed unwilling to try, or perhaps unable. I'm not sure which. End result is here I am, all sad and torn up yet again. I know a lot of you out there are in the same situation, so I'm going to read your posts in the hope that it will get me through this.

I think the fact that I ended it makes it a little less painful than if he had left me, but it still hurts. The fact that he didn't say, "Can't we try again" or "Can't we make it work somehow" really hurts. He just let me walk away. He didn't try to understand what I was feeling and/or thinking. He didn't ask me to sleep on it. He just let me leave.

Since then I have been text messaging him. I know that's not the right thing to do but I keep hoping that somehow he'll turn around and notice me, that if I feel enough pain he'll want to come and rescue me. From past experience though, the more hurt I show the less men want to be near me. So I know I should just stop it. But I can't. I wish he would just call and apologize and tell me everything would be all right and we'll get through this. I just want this pain to end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 9:41am
Sorry to hear that it was such a terrible break up. He was so indifferent and cold. Please answer the question, would you like to get back together with someone who showed such coldness and lack of sensitivity?. Of course he knows you are having a hard time, but he does not care, he is selfish. It is difficult to accept that someone who was supposed to love you can be such a jerk, but the truth is in front of you.

Try not to contact him anymore, if you do, then his ego is going to grow even more. He does not deserve any consideration. This experience will help you to be prepared for the next relationship.

Iliana

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:01am
if you pull away and stop the texts and calls and emails he will wonder what is up. he is probably expecting you to do these things and when it stops it will certainly arouse his curiousity and make him pursue contact with you garaunteed-which by the way isnt a good thing. basically, what i just previously described is game-playing. do you wanna play games or do you want your feelings validated by someone who actually cares about you and the relationship you have with him? it doesnt feel good to stick around with a guy that you feel is uncaring-but when youre in it for awhile you get wrapped up and forget what it feels like to feel good, to be cared for, to be loved. observe other people in good relationships and the way thier men treat them-good men that bend over backwards for thier girls-not act cold and indifferent.

get your self esteem back as fast as you can! if he really wants you he's gotta prove it now, and when comes around and sees this girl is doing fine w/o him, he will CRAWL back, by them you wont want him!!!

angelina

btw- hurt and pain thru this is normal

time will heal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:19am
I'm so sorry - you are actually the first post I read on this site, 'cause I also broke up with my boyfriend today. And I feel similar since mine didn't say "come back" or "let's work it out." I think they aren't saying these things because, right now, they agree with us. They aren't happy either, maybe they feel even worse because they failed to make us happy. So not being faced with their failure day after day is a bit of a relief, sucks for us though!

Don't text message him. I know how hard that is. Do whatever you need to in order to stop. Not because he doesn't deserve it, although he doesn't, but because it's making you feel worse. Worse because he isn't changing his mind and worse because it takes away from your self-respect. Trust yourself. You made the right decision. You are taking control of your future, your life, your happiness. You can be way more successful finding happiness than he was. You did the right thing. Empowerment sometimes sucks, huh?

It's scary, miserable, confusing, and eventually confidence-building this world of post-breakups. I wish I could offer you more comfort, but when I start feeling so low, I remember a line I heard in a movie once ("Someone Like You" I think)

"You will find it again. I promise... He is not the last man you're ever gonna love"

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 3:57pm
Thanks for your message, Iliana. It's good to know someone cares. As for his coldness, it's true, coldness isn't a good quality in a mate. It's still hard though. I am still hoping we can get back together and go to therapy together.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:02pm
Thanks for your advice, Angelina. It's very good advice. You mean all men don't act cold? A lot of the men I've been with have gotten that way after a while. I wonder if I'm attracted to unavailable men. I'm going to try to get myself into therapy by the end of the month because I don't think I can handle another failed relationship.

There is one good thing about this: I've known him three months today and we would have had our two month anniversary on Friday. In other words, not very long, not very long at all. I will continue to write to him because deep inside I still have some hope. But if he doesn't respond at all, I will let him go gracefully and move on with my life. It shouldn't take that long to get over a two-month relationship, right?

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:11pm
Thanks so much for your kind words, but right now he does feel like the last man I'll ever love. The thing is I had sort of given up on men. I had just recovered from a horrible relationship when I met him. The horrible relationship lasted about a year and a half and it took me a full year to recover from it. I was all fresh, new and ready to meet someone wonderful. He walked into my life just when I was ready. I was so ready. And he offered so much: he wanted to marry me and have children. We had actually discussed getting engaged. He even wanted to go ring shopping a couple of weekends ago. Since I'd known him for a short time (we met on June 14, had our first date on June 30 and started going steady on July 11) I was a bit hesitant. I told him that I wasn't quite ready to get engaged, that I needed to get to know him a bit better. I love him, but marriage is a very serious thing. I didn't want to jump into it with someone I had known for a short time.

I think that's when he started to get kind of cold actually. But maybe not, maybe it was before then. Maybe I hesitated on marriage because I sensed his coldness. Yes, that's it. I'm going through this phase where I dissect the relationship to try to figure out what went wrong and when it went wrong and whether there was anything I could have done to prevent it. Are you familiar with this?

It's sort of inevitable for me. But I will get out of this phase eventually. As for texting him, I need to keep doing that for some reason. I still need to feel some connection to him, but I'm not totally off the wall. What I mean is I won't keep doing it for days or weeks on end if I don't hear from him. I foresee continuing to contact him for another week. If I haven't heard a peep from him I will probably stop contacting him or do it less.

I just feel like I need to give him a final chance. We had discussed seeing a therapist before we broke up, but neither one of us ever acted on it. I'm thinking if he would act on that I would be willing to go back.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:14pm
This part of your post really made a lot of sense to me:

They aren't happy either, maybe they feel even worse because they failed to make us happy. So not being faced with their failure day after day is a bit of a relief, sucks for us though!

I know that this was something my ex mentioned several times, that he just didn't think he could make me happy. And he probably does feel relief to be rid of me. Only he isn't really rid of me because I keep texting him all day long! What I keep thinking though is maybe we had some misunderstandings, maybe we could work it out if we just went and talked to someone. We're both older, I'm 41, and he's 44, so it's kind of difficult to throw something away that worked on so many levels.