Broke Up this Morning

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Broke Up this Morning
8
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:43pm

Hi,

We broke up this morning. I am 44 he is 26. I had given him so many chances to get his act together. He quit his job for another one...now he can't afford to contribute anything financially - he has had 58 jobs in the past. If I were him, I'd get a second job to be able to provide adequately for his child and contribute to our expenses. He hardly helped around house until I nagged him. His hygiene and grooming are atrocious. When he was courting me, he was conscientious about those. Now, he showers and brushes his teeth once in a blue moon and wears the same thing for days.

Whenever we would fight, he would run off to his aunt's. At the drop of a hat he runs of to his aunt's rather than do work around the house first - he said he would do certain things, like landscaping, etc.

He applied to a police academy around here, but he has a less than honorable discharge from the military. So I seriously doubt he has a chance, since that is akin to a felony. My sister is a Lt Col in the Air Force. She demanded that I make him leave immediately and if I have to, help him box his things.

Now, he wants to do counseling. I don't know how any counseling will help since we are far apart in values: work ethic, finances. And maturity level.

I honestly think I know the real person now. The person I first met is not real.

Now he wants to try counseling. I don't know how that will help. What do you all think?

Bunny

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 11:25pm

Honestly? That you'd be out of your mind to give him another chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 9:00am

Hi,

My family thinks the same. I have stopped answering his text messages last night and have not heard from him since.

His aunt is one of my best friends. We are not letting this come in between us. However, he is staying with her until he "gets back on his feet" which I think will be until my friend kicks him out.

I am going over there today because she wants to see my new puppy. I am not letting him talk me into anything. I think he will avoid me anyway.

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 10:52am

I'm just wondering why you think this is all his fault. There's no right/wrong here. You have opposing values and ways of being, but that does not make him the bad guy. You're not him and he's not you, so to say, "If I were him, I'd (insert whatever here)," is already a moot point. It also wastes energy, energy you could be using to look at yourself and find out why you'd want to seek out a relationship with someone who is apparently your polar opposite.

Counseling might help you each individually, but probably not as a couple, intiinsic values don't change. The person he met is also probably not the one you are now. Did you tell him anything about his 58 jobs or his less-than-honorable discharge before, did you nag him about the housework? I'm guessing not. Nagging never works, by the way, if anything it makes the receiver even more stubborn. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're sounding awfully maternal where he's concerned. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm saying you have both settled into the people you naturally are, as happens in relationships, and unfortunately the resultant couple doesn't fit too well together.

Good luck,

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 11:13am

How about she comes to see you instead? Sounds like that would be a much better idea!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 11:20am
She has 2 disabled individuals full-time. Logistically, difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 1:03pm
I would get as far away from this loser as possible!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 3:32pm
That will be hard because his aunt is one of my best friends...way before I met him. He was out of the picture for years, until he needed a place to stay and she let him stay with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 8:59pm

You sure can pick them. That isn't supposed to sound as nasty as it does, but you seem to have jumped from one bad relationship (MM) to another (immature) without breathing. Maybe you should take some time out from the "love" and "infatuation" feelings and focus on being happy with yourself -alone- for a significant amount of time.

Edited 6/17/2007 9:07 pm ET by absgabsmadnat




Edited 6/17/2007 9:08 pm ET by absgabsmadnat