broke up with my bf, please help
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| Fri, 04-14-2006 - 10:46am |
I broke up with my boyfriend not too long ago and it has been really rough. He is in love with me but I am not in love with him. We tried to be friends and he told me he was fine with that and just wanted to still hang out and talk. I, of course, did that and we just talked and hung out a few times. But I have realized that it's wrong and not fair to him. He has deep strong feelings for me and I can't return them back. When I kept talking to him and hanging out, it gave him hope, which I don't know that I can offer. It was really hard to do, because he and I were so close and talked all the time, but now we can't even be friends, since the feelings are one sided. I feel so horrible for dragging it out, I would change my mind all the time and confused the hell out of him and myself.
I hate knowing he is so hurt and heartbroken right now, I just don't know what to feel. But I feel I did the right thing by ending it, because it would cause a lot more pain if I ended it down the road. We were together for about 7 months but it felt like a year. We were off and on so much these past few weeks that it makes me sick to think about it, because he is so much in love that he has taken me back each time. I didn't really like him from the beginning, but as we dated, the feelings came but not strong ones like he has for me. I hate knowing that I don't love him near as much as he loves me. It hurts so much to know that we can't be friends. So I am just wondering if anyone has had to do this before? Was it the right thing to do to end it all and not even be friends because I have heard that there is no way he and I can be friends, for right now anyway. I also feel that not being friends is the best because the situation is too touchy to play with his heart anymore.
How can I live with knowing I have hurt him so bad, lied to him and played with this heart so much? I feel awful. Now he feels that if you treat a girl good, you get kicked in the face. He feels like everytime he tries to do good he just gets hurt, I don't want him to think this because he does know how to treat a girl and he did nothing wrong, and I have told him that but of course he doesn't believe it. I do care about him and want the best for him, I mean he and I had such an attachment that it's only natural to. Do I just give it time? It feels like I will never meet anyone again and I don't even know what I am supposed to do now, I am always bored and alone and always thinking about it. I'll take any past experiences, tips or advice on how to deal with this and what I can do....Thanks.
Edited 4/14/2006 11:31 am ET by precious2be

precious2be...
Pianoguy has one question for you:
"Is it more satisfying to continue to be hurt inside about your b/f's emotional disappointment....OR.....do you want to let your relationship END ONCE AND FOR ALL?"
Sorry for the bluntness, but most of us can COMPLETELY LOVE SOMEBODY or you WE CAN'T!
Apologies for the cliche, but "time heals all wounds"-----even the worst ones!
However,if you're going to constantly pick at the scabs (aka YOUR MEMORIES AND THOUGHTS ABOUT HOW DISAPPOINTED YOUR B/F PROBABLY IS)...the healing process will take considerably longer.
This business of "going back to him and then leaving again"...SOLVES NOTHING! So please...make a clean break and don't look back! Most of us will eventually get over you and recover!
You (and other ivillage ladies) would probably be very surprised as to how well most men are able to "hide their 'emotional scars!'"
Pianoguy
Hi precious -
I had my first experience breaking up with someone this summer, and it was awful. I had always been the one to get rejected/dumped, and this was a completely different kind of pain. I can completely sympathize with the guilt - no one wants to feel like they have hurt someone - but you have to keep believing deep down that he deserves someone who can return his feelings, and you deserve someone that you can feel strongly about. The best you can do is treat him as you would like to be treated in the reverse situation, by being honest and clear. Even if your feelings aren't sorted out, and that's normal, you really sound like you don't want to be in the relationship, and that's the important point to make sure he understands.
We kept in contact somewhat (it helped though that he moved to a different state shortly afterwards) although looking back I can see how this wasn't a good idea. He kept asking me to visit, etc, and I kept having to say no, which hurt both him and me every time. So it dragged out the pain for both of us. We've moved on from that now, and while I am not sure I'd define us as friends - we talk on the phone once in a while, can laugh a little,and there are no expectations - it's not causing us pain anymore.
I was (and sometimes still am!) very scared that no one will love me the way my ex did - but I also know how much time I spent crying because I just felt the relationship wasn't right, and didn't see a way out. I figure my choices were either to stay and who knows, possibly marry him, which I felt pretty sure would make me miserable, or make a break and take a chance on the future. Knowing that a decision is right does not make it easier to execute.
Hang in there, and forgive yourself a little, your intent was never to hurt him, but that's the chance we all take. I'll be thinking of you.
It is hard to know that someone is in pain, and you can't be the one to be there for them. It's hard to feel helpless - but you are helping him by allowing him to move on and heal and helping yourself to heal as well. I am sure he is a strong person, and he will get through this, just like you will. You just can't get through it together (that one took me some time to figure out.) Hopefully each of you has a good support system of friends.
It is so hard at first where it seems like everything is attached to a memory, and you are thinking about him constantly. There is a post on the board called "Thought Stopping" with strategies to help with that. I am not sure how long ago you broke up with him, but you might try to distract yourself for at least short periods of time. I found when I was with friends one on one, I would try to listen carefully to them - when your brain is really listening, it isn't thinking. Of course your mind may wander, and go easy on yourself, but you might just catch yourself soon saying, Hey, it's been a half hour, and he hasn't hit my brain yet.
And defintiely come to vent here anytime. There's lots of good support.