Broke NC and Acting Crazy. How to Stop?
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Broke NC and Acting Crazy. How to Stop?
| Sat, 10-27-2007 - 3:46pm |
So I've completely messed up no contact - I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months (of which I made too long of a post about... sorry about that) a week and two days ago. Wed. of this week, I finally broke down and called him because we hadn't talked since we fought so brutally Thurs. night the week before, and I wanted to apologize for some of the nasty things I said. I still wanted answers about a bunch of stuff, and he just wasn't able to give me a straight answer. I probably should have never called him in the first place. I felt a lot better, and the next night, I was going for a drive out in the country after work

Hi teufelkatze,
Here's your previous post for others to catch up on your story:
Completely Broken-Hearted, Please Help.
You know, looking for a new job might be a really good idea.
Oh girl, you're a freight train running off the tracks. This is going to take some time, I can see that. Are you ready because this is going to be difficult for you to hear. Please know that I honestly want you to have the best in your life possible. Thing is, the way you're behaving, that's not going to happen until you actually acknowledge that your actions ultimately only hurt you.
Ok one, it wasn't a "bad thing" you called him to help you, you probably could have called someone else or a tow truck directly, but it wasn't a bad thing. I'm actually somewhat shocked he came to get you after you called him a coward right in front of his room mates. But he did, and to be honest, that right there plus working on it when he really didn't have the time shows me he's a good guy. Overall he's a good guy, you just can't see it or won't allow yourself to see it because you're hurt about how he broke up with you. Whether he did it under the "guise," as you say, of friendship or because he felt guilty, point is he sucked it up and came and got you. I don't think it's either of those things, I think his parents just probably did a good job on him. Thing is, your actions are so outrageous, they are completely overshadowing whatever he did. The voicemail you left him isn't a laughing matter, nor was it a fib, it was a lie intended to hurt and devastate. Your actions are hurting your cause.
I read your posts and honestly, there is so much lacking in anger management, in unspoken and unreasonable expectations, in unnecessarily and cruelly going *straight* for the jugular when you're in conflict... do you honestly think this is going to help you create the best relationship for yourself in life? Get this in your head, whether it's him or someone else, NO one is going to sit around and take that for long. He broke up so therefore he deserves to be abused? No. You hurt, but you then lash out and hurt back. That's not going to get you anywhere except lonely. Learn to TALK about things, learn to accept you don't always get your way, learn to accept other people have just as much right to the relationship of their dreams as you do. This will help you in your next relationship.
He's not here, that's why I'm not dealing about him, that's just a waste of time. You're here, let's deal with what you CAN do. Where is this lashing out coming from? You've got to learn to handle upsets in an adult fashion. I'm thinking you finding a new job so you don't have to deal with each other everyday would be an excellent idea.
Again, I'm not intending to hurt you, although I have a feeling you might think that. Your own actions will, in the long run, hurt you more than anyone else ever could.
Get back to me, please.
I totally understand what you're saying. I have already aknowledged to myself and him that I'm out of control and in a period of major depression. I know this, and I'm trying to schedule an appointment with a therapist with help from my mother, because I know that I've become completely incapable of handling the stress in my life as a result of my fender bender/insurance fiasco (which has me in the hole over $5k, currently). I don't know what's happening to me, all I know is that something is majorly wrong with me, and it's unfortunate that I just completely demolished any chance of a relationship with this guy in the future.
I don't even know what my cause is anymore. I am already hurt enough (emotionally, and physically as well, he left bruises/welts that are still on my body
Just a few things to ponder.
Regarding the couch thing, one thing stands out relatively clearly to me about that time he left you to sleep there. He personally likes to fall asleep on the couch and be left alone and you don't. He'd logically come to the conclusion that if you'd fallen asleep there, you'd also want to be left alone. And from his point of view, you were angry and unappreciative of something that he'd done for you. It's bound to make anyone angry.
Secondly, as lectury as this sounds, violence is never going to be the answer to any solution - not from him and not from you. First rule that every camp counselor or lifeguard learns - when you're angry you don't open your mouth or touch the child you're angry with because the moment you curse or raise or voice, or hit someone you escalate the situation. And the funny thing is, you can control how well a situation goes just by controlling yourself. If he loses it and you keep your cool, I guarantee that you'll cool the anger. My recent ex once smashed something against the wall when we were 'arguing' and started screaming at me. I can tell you I told him coolly that when was ready to discuss things like an adults, I would be more than happy to continue this discussion with him. Then I walked out of his house and didn't speak to him until he promised never to raise his voice with me or smash objects. And believe me, he never did for the duration of our relationship. And if he'd laid a hand on me, I'd have never set eyes on him again. And it's not playing games (IMHO), it's that I absolutely refuse to deal with any form of violence, period.
Last thing, sometimes "I don't know" is really all the explanation you're going to get because they truly don't know. It doesn't make them any less of a good or bad person. On the flip side, maybe he does know, but would it help to hear it? Would you feel better if he told you that he hated you or thought you were a raving lunatic or that he wasn't attracted to you (these are just examples, mind you)? Probably not.
Advice wise..well. If you don't mean it, don't apologize, because your insincerity will come through. Your apology about the voicemail sounds sort of backhanded to me. Anyways, if the things aren't absolutely necessary, just forget about them. Material things can be replaced. If they're incredibly important to you, call him and ask him nicely to keep it for you because you'd really appreciate it. No screaming matches, no discussion of what went wrong and if you can fix it. Just your stuff.
all the best
I think a therapist is a good idea for you. The key component I see from your posts is that you still place a lot of blame on someone else. The fact is, the relationship is over and there is no point going over every little detail about who did what and who was to blame. You have to accept responsibility of your own behavior, not his. The more you dwell on this, the more depressed you will become. Your only chance at a future successful relationship is to work on yourself.