Broke NC - Learn from me
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| Mon, 01-09-2006 - 1:02pm |
Hello everyone,
It has been a while since I posted something about myself but I broke NC this weekend and wanted to vent so thanks for reading my rant. My bf broke up with me a month ago. Although, we communicated some over email, I let it be for a while as I knew he was coming to town this weekend.
So he was here and we had both agreed to see each other (Sheri, I know that went against your advice but...well, who said I was rational).
I saw him and found out that he still loves me deeply and that he is definitely hurting as much as I am. He was the one who cried this time and had a hard time letting me go. And I was surprisingly not even looking for him to take me back ...well, maybe a little. But I knew that if he asked me to try again that I was definitely going to say no.
But he didn't ask...it's the same old - "I love you but...". He did say that he wants to keep it open because he realizes that after his first divorce, he is really commitment shy. So if we are apart for a while, maybe that will help him. I guess it might...but should I want him then? I didn't say no definitely not. I said, let's see where we are every few months and in two years time, if we are both single, let's go on a date and talk about things. I figure two years should be enough for us to either move on or realize we are right for each other. I don't know if that is the right move or not.
But let me tell you all who are looking for some sign from your exes of the fact that he still cares and still loves you or are still harbouring some hope if you just talk to him one more time - IT REALLY DOES NOT HELP. I had the conversation with my ex that I was fantazing about - that he still loves me and that he is just confused for now.
It did NOT help. In fact, it just makes me frustrated because it did not solve anything. I am just hurting badly inside today. I do not feel better and in some ways feel worse as I feel like I lost something so precious that wasn't either of our faults really. Our psychology and experiences brought us to this. The conversation, as beautiful as it was, and afterward with him and me just holding each for over an hour in a restaurant in silence before we left each other - brought me some peace yes, but did NOT make the pain any less. There is in fact a new pain today that wasn't there before. The pain of not having anything to be angry about. Just deeply sad.
Ladies, let it be! With contact, it CAN get worse but no contact means it can ONLY get better. I am not sure how much I myself can maintain no contact in the future, because I just don't feel strong enough, but those of you who can pull some strength together, pls. do.
Badly in need of reasssurance,
Ash

Dear Ash,
First off, I want you to know it's ok, because we're human and we're weak. I have held off the temptation and keeping myself busy with various activities. When I'm alone I sometimes want to know what he feels too, so I have kept him on my msn list but have blocked him. If you remember we were most heart broken a while back (a month ago) arouand the same time...and since then I haven't contacted him. But I still get curious and check out his msn name. Well, a few days ago, he added the title and artist of a song. I d/led the song and it was all about how he "didn't understand what went wrong" and he "wanted a family with me" and "can you be my wife" and "have us a baby". We used to talk like this so it didn't scare me as it would scare some people. It did shock me though, because that was how we USED to talk. And I know it can't be for anyone new because the lyrics were clearly for a past love. I know I shouldn't even be looking at his msn name or anything, not to mention analyzing it like crazy! But it's ok, because I just ignored it and didn't do anything about it.
I guess all I'm trying to say is...just because you broke NC, it's not the end of the world. Just keep moving on with your life. Try not to let that mistake get in the way of whatever you're pursuing now. Right now, I'm going to a lot of events and joining a sorority. =) Whatever it is that you couldn't do before and wanted to do, I say go for it. I haven't been this happy in a while...I used to wake up from a nightmare and realize that reality was even worst than my nightmare, because I was without my boyfriend. (I am not exagerating, it's actually the worst part, waking up alone and feeling extremely depressed and not being able to sleep again because everything sucks) But yesterday I woke up from a nightmare and found to my relief that it was just a nightmare! Just like normal people!!! Haha! I knew something was going right then. And you know what the best part is? The nightmare was getting back together with my ex. I don't remmeber the details of the dream, but I rememeber a cluster of feelings that were regret, depression, and total disgust of myself. I remember thinking, "Whew! Thank GOD I am not in that position!"
I just want to thank this board for everything it's done for me. I am just so glad.
PS I never thought I'd be able to use one of the happy emoticons for my message! =D
I am also not one to judge you for breaking NC, as I did the same. I'm sure it's a common thing especially during holidays. My ex called me repeatedly, and I weakened with each phone call. I too wondered if I ever meant anything to him, if he felt badly for messing things up, and if I would feel the same way if I saw him. Well not only did I see him, but I gave in because he did say exactly what I wanted to hear. He apologized for messing things up, said he cared about me, that he got scared because his feelings for me were so overwhelming, etc. It was what I wanted to hear, but it also didn't change what had happened. I found myself being drawn to him all over again, but there was also a wall that hadn't existed before. I once trusted him and as much as I wanted to be with him again, the trust was totally broken and that made the interaction strained from my side. He said he wanted to pick things up where we left off, but I knew that we couldn't do that. I think I wanted to see him again to create closure for myself and to confirm that we weren't good together. I was still very attracted to him and we did have sex, but not long afterward, his old behaviors reemerged (unreliable, flaky, selfish), so that gave me the clarity I needed to end it, for good.
I guess we all have our reasons for breaking NC and I don't think we should be too hard on ourselves when we do it. My hope is that we learn from doing it once and don't repeat the mistake over and over. I just think we need to know that when a relationship ends, it does so for a reason. It's probably because you're not meant to be with that person. Seeing him again most likely won't change that--you'll still be broken up and even if you do get back together, the old issues will likely return. One good thing you can draw from reopening those wounds is the double-confirmation that the guy is not the one for you and that it truly is time to start moving on.
I played the on-off contact game with my ex for over a year, so I can definitely emphasize with you.
It was really difficult for me to keep no-contact going. I knew it was for the best, and I knew I would be better off in the end. But it hurt to close the door on my ex for good. I was trying to avoid causing myself pain by shutting him out of my life...but in reality, I was only hurting myself more by keeping in touch with him.
He's engaged and unavailable for me in so many ways. I couldn't take him back even if the opportunity presented itself because I could never fully trust him again. I really *hated* my ex for awhile after we first broke up...but the more we started talking again, the less angry I felt. That was both a good and bad thing--it was nice not feeling so mad all the time; it was good to be able to forgive him for most of the things he's done to hurt me. But it also caused me to believe that I was ready to be his friend, and that wasn't true.
We were having really nice, civil conversations and after awhile, they became more intimate and flirtatious. My ex told me he still loved me, etc and that just messed with my head. What I used to feel for him all came rushing back, and talking to him ended up making me feel more sad than anything else. It confused me; I knew he was taken and that he had hurt me a lot in the past, but I still wanted things to be different between us. I thought things might be able to go back to the way they used to be. But they couldn't...despite the way I felt for him and despite what he told me he felt for me, we weren't going to get back together. Keeping in contact with him was only holding me back from truly moving on with my life; it was causing me false hope.
Each time we talked, I felt a temporary sense of relief/comfort--especially when he would tell me that he still loved me, cared about me, missed me, etc. But that good feeling quickly faded once I began to think more clearly and realized that he was all talk, no action. He wasn't planning on leaving his fiancee for me. He wasn't even there as a friend when I needed him. I'm pretty sure I only served as his ego boost; we talked whenever it was convenient for him, when he was lonely/bored/drunk. It always seemed like he could sense the times I was doing fine and thought I was "over" him; then he would contact me and I would fall back into obsessing over him again.
Of course, sometimes I think I liked talking to my ex because it made me realize that I was better off without him--like whenever he was mean, or made disrespectful comments about his fiancee, or just bored me with his crazy stories/theories about life :) It probably sounds crazy, but I think sometimes I talked to him just because I wanted to reassure myself...to remember why exactly I was going to be better off without him in my life. Sometimes, if we didn't talk for awhile, I would start to wonder what he was up to and even miss him a little...then we'd talk, and I'd realize that I didn't even enjoy talking to him anymore!
But really, when it comes down to it...no-contact is the best way to go. Unless your ex is making a valid attempt at getting you back, staying in touch isn't going to make you feel better (at least not in the long run), or help the situation at all. It only causes people to try and hold onto whatever their ex is willing to throw at them. It's confusing, painful, and creates more drama than it's worth. It took me a long time to realize this, but I felt good the day I finally decided to end contact with my ex.
Thank you everyone for posting your replies. I don't know how to reply to all but do know that I really appreciate your comments.
Hi dev,
Thank you for your support. I was also wondering how people handle this in the long-term. I honestly dont want anyone else in my life. All my dreams were built around him, and now I dont really have any more dreams really. So in a year from now, will I still be hurting? Will I be able to build something just as beautiful with another man?
Ash
You know, everyone is different, and how they handle breakups depends on the individual. I do know, that the pain and hurt goes on it's own path. What I mean, you don't know the time frame, on when the pain will stop. It will stop when it's time. Does that make sense? I know, my pain has eased awhole lot from one year ago, but there are still lingering thoughts and sometimes tears, after all this time. I use to be so mad and angry at myself when after months had gone by, and I was still crying. I use to be furious, because I didn't understand why after 6 mos, 9 or even 12 mos, I still had tears. What I did, was accepted that, I wasn't over him 100%. I'm still not over him, but I don't cry for him anymore. I use to be depressed and sad, and my heart would ache for him. But now I look back, and see that I've come a long way. It took time, and NC. NC gave me emotional peace. I agree with you and others about NC. It only hurts you in the end, and stops the clock from you moving on, and letting go. I think if I would have continued to talk to him, I wouldn't be where I am today.
I still care for the ex, and we ended the relationship on bad terms. I think that is why I still have those lingering thoughts, because the way it ended. But I had to find closure by myself, and it has been hard, but I'm still working on it. Give yourself time. Time is an essence, and I know you wish, you could make this all go away, but you can't. You have to go thru the process, and when you do, you will be a brand new woman. I can promise you that! I am totally different from one year ago, and I have to thank the ex for that. It was painful, and emotionally draining, but I'm happy with the final product. You will be too!!
I know you built your dreams around him, and you will build again, but with someone else. It just takes time, and right now, time is not a good thing for you, and it's not on your side, but if you just go thru it, and watch the amazing things that's going to happen too you, once you realize how you went thru it, and how you survived, you will be able to help others, and gain a new perspective on life, and men. I know I can't wait until I met that special man, who's going to be the right person for me. You haven't found your special person, and neither have I, but you have to know, he's out there waiting for you. Someone told me, what your going thru in life, is preparing you for the future. Your heartache, is preparing you for you new man, because he's preparing his self for you as well. Makes sense? So in the end of it all, you two will meet, because both of you have gone thru life the same way. You will love again, and when you do, your going to be saying to yourself, "what was I thinking?". I hope I answered your question.
Don't beat yourself up if you break NC again, or if after months have gone by, and your still feeling the same way. It is natural, and it's all part of the healing process. Take it from me, it's just a process. You will get over this, one day. Believe in that theory, and you will be A-ok. Take care, and keep us posted.