Broke NC...and doing ok
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| Fri, 03-24-2006 - 11:06am |
So, after 3 weeks of NC (on my part) my ex (we dated for 5 years) called me yesterday. Claimed that he found a present for me he'd gotten awhile ago and he'd forgotten about. So, he wanted to get together so he could give it to me. I'm weak (I know!) so I agreed.
We went for a drive in his new car and then got coffee. It was fun. It's like having chocolate cake after a long period of dieting. We had a very long talk. And he's confused. He admitted that he never gave me a chance. He admitted that the failure of our relationship is entirely his fault. He apologized to me a million times. Never said anything about getting back together though. He admitted that he's his own worst enemy and has a tendency to destroy all the good things in his life. He said that he's been lost and confused for awhile and he's working hard to get his life in order. He says he's not dating and he doesn't want a relationship because he needs to work on himself first. I told him that I wasn't going to be ok with being friends until I could be ok with thinking about him being with someone else. I mentioned that he must have already come to terms with that, otherwise he wouldn't be so eager to be friends with me. And he admitted that he would like to see me go out, but not have anything serious. Just have a couple dates and then decide it's not for me. So I told him about Erik, a guy I have had a couple of dates with, and intend to see again. When I was done, he took a big pause and then said, "You're right, that's a lot harder to hear than I thought it would be". Welcome to reality buddy.
The gift was a David Eddings book (favorite author) and he admitted that it was a thinly veiled excuse to see me. At the end of the night we both agreed that we'd had fun. He asked if we could do it again, and I said maybe. So, he said that it will probably take a few days to for me to figure out how seeing him again affected me so I'm supposed to take a few days, think about it, and then let him know if hanging out again is a possibility. Which, currently is the plan. If I do agree to hang out with him occasionally, I think I'd make it on a once a month basis. And maybe that would be healthier for me than no-contact at all. In a way, it's like a diet. If you tell yourself you can't have any chocolate, ever, you're going to obsess about and think of nothing but chocolate. If you let yourself have little doses of chocolate, you're satisfied and can focus more on the good fruits and vegetables that are in your life.
So I know I broke the NC rules by seeing him, but I feel better today.

Yep, that's a good theory...in theory ;-). What I've found usually happens, though, is that you start thinking, Oh, chocolate once a month isn't doing me any harm, in fact it's a lot of fun, so what would be wrong with chocolate once a week? Or, for that matter, why aren't I having chocolate every day??
If you can make it work, more power to you...I've just never been in or seen a situation where it did (staying in contact, even sporadically, just extends the recovery period).
Sheri