broke no contact
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| Tue, 04-10-2007 - 9:27am |
i didn't mean to break no contact yesterday but i had to square away our shared cell phone plan. it escalated into 2 phone calls, but at least i have no more reason to talk to him.
i was proud of myself for not replying to his text messages, but angry that i had to talk to him to resolve the issue. he said he was going to take care of the cell issue last friday, but screwed up my new line royally by adding on options that i didn't request.
i should have not let him try and "be nice" and ask me how my day was going and stuff. he said "i still care about you." i didn't respond and went on to just tell him he is missing out on having a real relationship with his brother. he didn't really want to talk after that but i told him that his friend called and talked to me for an hour on saturday to see how i was doing. he smugly said that he told him to call me because i was lonely and had no one to talk to.
i don't really feel that he should have said it because it only made me doubt his friend's intentions. no guy really talks to a girl for 1.5 hours late on a saturday night for no reason. i think that he just wanted to make himself feel better about the situation, that he was making poor choices for himself and knew they were wrong, but wanted to justify them to himself.
when i woke up this morning, i let the doubt eat me a lil bit and tried to call his friend but instead left a message just saying that i was letting the ex get to me. at least i didn't act on the urge to go over to my ex's house because i missed him. the person i miss is the person that was in our relationship together, not the person that betrayed and deceived me for the last 6 months when i drew the boundary and said please don't talk to this girl because she is bad new. instead, the lust and curiosity had to overpower him and he opened the door, so i know that ex- is not the person i miss. he is the person i am incredibly angry at.
i'm going to start over and try and remember that i have every reason to be angry and he has none. he has only guilt and how he feels ashamed for himself, even though he wants to be with a homewrecker, i can't stop him. i can only care about myself and what can i do to make myself happy each day. even if i'm on this awful rollercoaster, where one moment i want the old him and the next i am so angry or then sad and miserable, or hoping that i can just get through the next 30 mins without doing anything rash. he's gonna do what he's gonna do without me.
i think i am afraid to be alone. i haven't really done that in 5 yrs and it is a new thing that i am rather scared of doing. i've been independent, but knowing he's not there to go home to or call or cuddle with is difficult.

::he smugly said that he told him to call me because i was lonely and had no one to talk to.
Don't ya just love people and their egos?