Broke up, still living together...LONG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Broke up, still living together...LONG
3
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:05pm
Here's the background. We started dating November 2005, moved in together December 2005 and had the perfect relationship till January 2007. We never fought, our families got along great, nothing could have been better...or so I thought. He apparently had some pent up frustration with me (an my un-ability to help pay bills...I was unemployed when we moved in together and he said he wasn't going to worry about and he didn't want me to. He makes over $120,000 a year and I helped out when I could. I wasn't going out or going shopping...I put in real effort.) To make up for me not pay half of things, I did do most or all of the housework, including laundry and cooking. Seemed fair but apparently it bugged him. Anyway, in January 2007 everything came to a head and he came back from being on the road (he's a welder, works 11 days away, 3 days back home) and everything had changed. We broke up. He said he was moving out and never did. Things have been rough at times and really good at times since then. I almost thought we would get back together over Easter but we didn't. Anyway, last month I got frustrated and told him I wanted him out, he refused. If we're not going to be together I don't know why he won't leave. Things were really good after that till this weekend. Friday we spent all day together, went out to eat and came home and watched a movie. That was big...not at all like him. Saturday we hung out all day then went our separate ways that night. He came home from the bar and was all pissed about some stuff my friends had said to him. Sunday he was fine, we went to his parents to play cards and go swimming, we made supper and played monopoly. He left Monday for work. Monday, I hear that he was saying all kinds of bad stuff about me and bitching about me. This has happened before and we just talked about it in July and he agreed to stop doing it. Anyway, I don't think we can be friends because I don't think the bitching about me would stop. He calls me a couple times a day, every day while he is on the road. Sometimes it's like he can't let go but it's confusing and frustrating for me. Do I just lay it down and tell him he needs to decide if he wants me in his life and if he does it needs to be all or nothing? Or do I just not talk to him at all? Ignore his phone calls and all that? He doesn't come home till the 16th. By me asking him these things...to make a decision, my goal is not for the two of us to get back together...I am kind of hoping that he'll realize that we can't keep living like we are and that the only respectful thing for him to do is to move out. Maybe if its his idea...he might actually do it instead of me demanding he move and him refusing. I want to get back with him...but I don't think either of us are ready...I think he takes me for granted A LOT and we get along without even trying...when we fight it's because we are putting effort towards it and it's usually him that starts it. Obviously I couldn't put the last seven months into this post but you get the main idea...what do I do? I'M NOT MOVING.


Edited 8/7/2007 3:25 pm ET by tanya423




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:59pm

Welcome to the board tanya423,


Is it your place or his? If you got it together, is both your names on the lease?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:16pm

Whose house/apt is it? If he's the only one paying, why would he leave? Are you assuming he would continue to make payments/pay rent for you to live there? You're not married, correct? Are you expecting some sort of alimony?

Regardless of any of the above, if you're that unhappy it doesn't matter who should or shouldn't do what. If he won't leave, then it's time to pack your bags and stay with a friend or family until you can get back on your feet.

If you both stay and things continue down this road, I can PROMISE you, it will get very very bad. I lived with a bf once. We broke up very peacefully and mutually. After 3 months of living together broken up (finding an apt in NYC isn't easy!!), I can honestly say this person I at one time loved is now who I consider the worst person I've ever met. He's the only person I can truly say I hate. We erased over a year of wonderful memories with name-calling, photo-destroying, deceit...you get the idea.

He won't be home for a few days. Take that time to gather your things and get moving. Maybe seeing you gone is what it will take for him to realize he's been taking you for granted. Maybe being gone will put things in better perspective for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:23pm
Both of our names are on the lease...I forgot to mention that I have been paying half of everything since February...I was able to because that is when my credit card got paid off. He knew I couldn't pay half of stuff until that was paid off. He moved out everything that was his. All the living room furniture, the bedroom set and the king size bed, all the tv's, his wine, good clothes, everything. The only stuff that is left are his cars, the desk in the office, some other clothes, and some paperwork. I know I can't make him leave but I don't see how either of us are benefiting from him staying. He said he was moving, moved out all of his stuff (so I had to furnish the entire apartment in a weekend) and now nothing. When we fought in July he refused to move out and said that he would move his office stuff out and move his bedroom furniture out of storage and into the spare bedroom. Thank god he hasn't done that yet. He used to say he had rights to the place and the only reason why he stayed there is cause he pays half but as of August 1st, he has not paid half of anything so according to him, he shouldn't be staying there. I know he can legally but still.


Edited 8/7/2007 4:27 pm ET by tanya423