broke up yesterday :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
broke up yesterday :(
9
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 4:56am
My boyfriend and I were together for almost a year and a half. Everything was wonderful basically. I'm 23, he's 25. The problem is that i want to get married and have kids in like 3-4 years. That's too soon for him. He wants to be in a band and play music and go on tour....so he broke up with me to do that. I'm just so hurt because we'd talked about getting married, and I thought we could bring together what he wants and what I want and make it work. I really would be so happy to spend my life with him. I am just torn. I know that's been his dream for years, and I would never ask him to give it up, but I didn't realize that it was so much more important to him than I am. He thinks if we stayed together, it would just end up a mess eventually because we want different things. Although, in the long run, we want the same thing. I don't know what to do. I've never lost someone that I was still in love with and still wanted to be with. Today is the first day since we started dating that I didn't talk on the phone to him. I dont' know how to just suddenly not have him involved in my life, because he was such a big part of it. We got along so well and he would have been a great husband and father. I'm afraid no one will compare. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just laid here sad all day. I know he's scared of growing up and missing out on something. I just hope he'll realize that you can't find what we have just anywhere. I know a lot of you have probably been through the same thing. Lemme know if anything made you feel better. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 6:22am

Going out a lot and doing things that you've always wanted to do but never really had time to do always helps. In fact a massive thing that helps is friends...............just go out with your friends as much as you can and give people a call that you may have lost contact with since you were with your boyfriend.
You may even meet somebody new....................Oh and pamper yourself,get a haircut (if you want!)get your nails done,buy some nice clothes (if you can afford it!I cant!) Read books watch loads of movies that helps too cos your mind is absorbed in something else.Oh and you really have to try and eat cos that just makes everything worse,make yourself a fruit drink or something, something thats easy to digest as I know too well that anything more will just make you want to puke!
Dont drink too much alcohol cos that just makes everything seem 100 times worse.......im a bit of a hypocrite on that one as I think I may be a bit of an alcholic at the moment! ;) Dont listen to love songs either cos it will have a really bad effect,maybe listen to some man hating songs!
Basically just keep busy busy busy...............a drastic step is to just pretend they are dead.It sounds worse then you think the reason I sometimes try and pretend my ex is dead is cos even if you wanted to contact them you really cant because they are no were around and you just HAVE to get on in your life without them (and in a way he is dead in my life because he just isnt around anymore)
I dont mean to sound weird about the dead thing...........maybe its because i am recently bereaved that I am comparing it to that.
Also try and see it as a good thing that you have broken up.....things happen for a reason and maybe something will happen to you that would never have happened if you would have stayed with him.
For example when I found out my ex cheated on me I went away and I met friends that I would have never of met if he didnt do what he did....people that I will stay in contact with forever.So for every bad thing that happens something good will come out of it.

Whatever you do just dont stay at home by yourself and think about it too much........I did that and nearly went crazy.I know its so hard but just try the best you can to do stuff.Be Strong xxxxxxx


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:22am
WOW! I just went through the same thing you did. A bit different, but that was my ex's reason to break up too. He said we are going in different directions because he is so devoted to his music. I knew I was not THE most important thing and that it is more important, and I had no problem with that. He just decided that it was too much to balance though. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one.
I have since just tried to get my life back together. I have so many things going on that it is easier not to think about it at this point. If you need to talk you can always email me msblueyzz@yahoo.com
I figure since we are in the same situation...Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 12:55pm
I just had almost the same thing happen to me last night. My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me because of his band, and how he said that he just doesn't have time for both anymore. They have plans on leaving here in the fall (we live in a small town) to go off to a bigger city and try to make it big. And because of that he's been picking up more shifts at work to save money for their move, plus he spends more time practicing with them now. I had barely seen him in a week, and then last night he shows up at my house and tells me that it won't work between us anymore, because he doesn't have time for me and feels it would be unfair to me to keep pushing me aside for other things. He said he doesn't want me to feel like i'm his part-time girlfriend and end up hating him because he never spends anytime with me. I'm just so hurt and confused. He said that he was happy with me, that he cared about me. We hadn't argued or fought about anything, ever. Things had always been perfect. So I guess I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one this has happened to...and I think the worst part is that I can see that he's throwing his life away to chase his childish fantasy of being a rockstar, when it isn't going to happen...not that he isn't talented, but there's nothing unique or distinctive about his band at all. they're mediocre at best. It hurts to know that he's willing to walk away from someone who loves him, which is something that is so hard to find and a real one-in-a-million kind of thing, to go chasing after something that he'll never get.
I guess I'm not too much help to you right now, because I still haven't figured out anything that'll make me feel better...I sat up alone all last night, watching movies and crying. I don't feel like eating, even though I'm hungry. I guess the only thing that makes me feel better is the fact that I didn't just let him dump me then leave, I made him stay and really told him exactly how I feel. I made him admit that he was just taking the easy way out, because he was bailing on me when things were going to get difficult for us, and instead of dealing with the hard times he takes the easy route and dumps me. And I feel good about not taking any cheap shots at him and putting him or his band down. I feel like the bigger person, the more mature person, whereas he came across as very immature and childish. I'm really sorry to hear you're hurting, and I don't know if any of this rambling has helped you, but I just had to get this all off of my chest. I hope you start to feel better soon. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 1:57pm
caperchick..i don't know if you'll read this post again...but you did make me feel better. it's so awful to feel like everything is just being thrown away. people who are miserable stay together, when they fight and don't get along and everything. then here's people who get along and enjoy being together and those relationships end? doesn't seem right. i know he still loves me and it sounds like your ex still loves you. we live in a big city, and my ex has a lot of connections in the music industry,plus he's talented... so he's got a chance at being successful. maybe he will be, maybe he won't. it's just so upsetting that he can't do it with me. i told him one time that if he went on tour, i would break up with him. i wish i wouldn't have said that. i said it after a friend of his missed the birth of his first child because he was on tour. my ex didn't see a problem with that because he missed it because of his work. i told him i would never have kids with him if he was ok with missing things like that. he's afraid that something like that would end up happening and i would resent him and he would feel super guilty and then it would get bad. we broke up on wednesday, it's now sunday. i'm at my mom and dads' house with my family, so it's slightly better being around people. i couldn't stay at home by myself, i would go even crazier. i just can't stand it and i don't know what to do with myself. i tried to go to sleep without talking to him all day yesterday and i couldn't. i had to text him. before we broke up, when we were talking about it, he mentioned taking a break. i said no, because you either know if you want to be with someone or you don't. i think i'd be much happier with a break than with this. i've figured out that boys can't focus on two things at once. it's not their fault. they are all like that. they just cannot multitask like we can. just because they feel like they have to do something else doesn't mean that they don't want to be with us, they just really don't know how. another thing i learned is that boys need to accomplish something before they can be settled in a relationship. my brother told me how it happened to him before he ggot married. they have to be satisfied with something they have done on their own that makes them feel successful in order to be happy in a relationship. hopefully they'll see how important we are to them and that good relationships don't just happen all the time. until then, try crossword puzzles...they keep my mind off of it a little more than tv. i just sit there doing one after another. lemme know if you want to talk more. we could exchange emails or something. i hope you feel better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 2:39pm

My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday and I am absolutely devastated...If you want the details of that read my other post. It's actually quite funny because I was just telling someone that I can't understand why the relationships that everyone thinks will fail end up working out and the one's people think will never end do. My boyfriend and I had the latter kind of relationship--crazy in love--always kissing, saying "i love you" and missing eachother as soon as we leave eachother's sight, but it didn't work out.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out, as I've only had one other significant relationship (when I was in highschool) and this is the first person I've truly loved and has truly loved me.

In addition, the thing about how boys can only focus on one thing at a time and can't be in a relationship unless they've made something for themself...My mom told me that the first time my boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. She said that boys want "all their ducks in a row" before they get too serious and with the case of your boyfriend, maybe he just feels that his won't be in a row until he's tried the whole "being in a successful band thing" and with mine, well, he'll be a senior in college this fall and maybe he's just nervous about what will happen after he graduates as there aren't many teaching jobs available where we live and I will still have a year left after he graduates....

No matter what though, it's hard and I'm miserable, just like everyone else who's ever been broken up with. It hurts an insane amount to think that you have a future together and then things end without you even knowing whether you will stay in contact at all.

If you need anyone to talk to, you can talk to me, because I need people too. Friends are fantastic but they always take our side when there's a break up and say nasty things about our exes when we still love them and can't bear to hear them. Personally, I can't be mad at my ex because he did it for the both of us--he wasn't happy anymore in our relationship and it was affecting both of us--he did the honorable, but extremely hard thing by breaking up.

Oh, one last thing: I think that younger guys just get bored so easily that when things get too serious they start to wonder what else is out there again...as much as they love us, they can't help it. I may be lying to myself about that, but as one of my friends put it "Younger guys want things that are fresh and new....not super serious". I don't think that either of us did anything wrong or anything, women are just able to be satisfied with stuff like that more easily, I guess, and guys just have a hard time expressing stuff to us because they love us and don't want to hurt us, and I'm sure the way they feel is hard for them to accept sometimes too.

Sorry for rambling, but I'm a receptionist and since it's father's day, no calls are coming...if I sit for too long I'll start to think about him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 7:17pm
oh my gosh. i totally agree with the friends thing. my cousin is really bad at consoling people. really bad. she made a "boys suck" sticker for me...put a sign on my door that said "boys suck and heather is awesome,"...and worst of all...left a copy of bridget jones' diary on my bed while i was out. awwwwww. i just talked to him on im while i was writing this. i miss him sooo much. his grandpa is about to die and they are going to see him for fathers day. he's very very stressed about that. they are close. i've decided that i can get him back. he just talked to me..i didn't talk to him first. i told him that i almost called him like 40 times to tell him little stupid stuff, and he was like..yeah i was thinking that too. hmmmmmm...ok. i never really just give my email out, but whatever. hamassa24@yahoo.com there's a couple of you that are in a similarish situation. feel free to email me, even if you just need to ramble. chances are, i'll understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 8:16pm

It's nice that you've decided you can get him back, but be careful because it's hard to keep yourself from not being afraid that he'll end it again. After my boyfriend broke up with me the first time I was devastated and when he came back I was extatic, but then came the reality that it could happen again.

I'm not going to lie, if my ex were to call me right now and say he wants to get back together, although I'd be skeptical, I would probably do it. Then again, maybe not....I don't know....I just don't want you to think that things are going to be completely peachy just to have the rug pulled out from under you again.

Let me know how things turn out.

Laur

Avatar for lisa19722001
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 12:25pm

Hi,

Dont you know that you will cramp his style when he becomes big and famous and is surrounded by groupies. PLEASE!!! I agree with you, he should be able to merge both goals together. I hope things will work out for you. I think you should look for someone more grounded and has things in place already.

Good Luck!
~Lisa L

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 5:59pm
Well it's been 3 weeks since the break up. I don't even know if anybody is reading this thread anymore, but I felt as if I should update my situation. So about 3 days after the break up, and after my head had cleared enough so that I could try to think through things and make sense of them, I sent my ex an email. I told him that while I may not be ok with it, and while I am hurting pretty badly, I could try to see his side of things and understand why he did it. I know that if his band weren't planning on leaving in the fall, that he wouldn't be so busy and we'd most likely still be together. So I decided to let him know that I understood why he ended things, but that it doesn't mean I agree with his decision. I told him that I didn't hate him or wish him any harm, but that I'm really hurt and sad, because I would have liked to work things out as we had something really good that I didn't want to end. Then I told him that if that wasn't really his reason for ending things, if it was something else and he was just trying to let me down easy and sugarcoat things, that it's a shame he feels he can't be honest with me, because the least I deserve is honesty. The next day he emailed back, and said he was really sorry about everything, and that it was hard on him too, but that he shows it differently than I do. He said that a relationship is just something that he doesn't need or want right now, but that he doesn't want us to end things hating each other. Then he assured me that he had been honest with me about his reasons for ending it. So I guess I'll have to take him at his word and believe him. And that was it. I didn't return his email, and we haven't had any contact since the break up. I think it's best that way. I really don't have anything left to say, he knows how I feel and where I stand on things. And even though I miss him more every day, I don't want to be just his friend. I can't do that, I can't push my feelings for him aside and be his friend, and I'm scared that if I were to reply to his email, he'd get the wrong idea and think that I'd be ok with being just friends. Even though he never made that suggestion, that we try to remain friends, nor has he made any effort to contact me, I just feel that he'd get the wrong idea if I were to start contacting him. We couldn't work as friends, because then I'd never get over him. It wouldn't be fair to me. It's been really hard to deal with, because one day he was there in my life and we were happy, and the next he was gone. It's hard resisting the temptation to call or email him, and I have to stop myself from doing it. I just wish that we could have discussed the problem of his not having time for me, and tried to work out some sort of compromise instead of him taking it upon himself to decide that it had to end. I can't understand why he'd think that never seeing him at all would be better for me than only getting to see him once in awhile. But I think I understand what everyone was saying on here, that guys can't do two things at once. And right now he wants to try and make it as a musician.I know he's got his heart set on being a musician and making it in the music industry, it's been his dream ever since he started playing. And I know that right now, with the band he's playing with, he sees it as his chance to do what he's always wanted to do. And I know that he'll never be happy with his life until he at least tries. I don't know if he'll make it or not, but I know that he'll never be able to grow up and settle down unless he tries. It just hurts me to know that I wasn't that important to him, and that when it came down to it, he chose his band over me. Especially since he led me to believe that I *was* important to him, to have him just up and leave me like that, it makes me question everything he ever said to me. I don't know what was true and what was a lie.