broken up

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
broken up
2
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 10:05pm
we've only been broken up for a few days. On monday when he asked me to just put it behind us and forgive and forget, i told him no! i was too upset at the time and stubborn also. But i called him back a few hours later to let him know that i made a mistake, but he just told me to come pick up my things from his place. We argue a lot over stupid things that he does. I'm now telling him that i want us to have another chance he said no it's too late, we need time apart. I told him that i was willing to change but he has to too. He told me he doesn't believe me cause we always go back to fighting. I've told him my part and i guess he's made up his mind also, there is nothing that i can do to make him change his mind. i also told him that i could not be his friend cause we've been through so much together, he told me that i was being selfish, well isn't what he's doing selfish too? Telling me that It's fair game and if a girl gives him her number or if he gets a number i can't get mad!What am i supposed to do? Should i act like i'm cool and ok when he calls? cause right now i'm such a mess. I need help in handling this situation.Does he mean that we're broken up for good casehe's tired of everything? or is there still a possible chance for us? Please help!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 2:42am

FIRST, take a nice deep breath.

I understand that this is a difficult and confusing time, but presence of mind is important. Give yourself some time to think things through. I KNOW that the thoughts your having right now are very confusing - you feel and think one way and he's contradicting those thoughts and feelings. My advice for when you talk with him: be yourself. If you want to avoid arguments, think about what caused them to begin with. Be honest with yourself. Are there little things that can be avoided? (i.e. sarcasm?)

When my ex-bf broke up with me (almost one year ago) my mind was rushing with thoughts. I still loved him, but because of things that happened, he decided he didn't want to go out with me anymore, after almost 2 1/2 years. ... He moved on very quickly, which caused more confusion. I still love him, but I understand that he is independent and as capable of making his own decisions as I am. ... and he's moved onto someone else. They'll be almost a year.

Can you get back together in the future? ... Well, I always want to think there's hope. I still hope for myself. ... Think about your reasons. What I've learned throughout my whole situation is that no matter what happens, whether he decides that I'm right for him or that he never wants to have contact with me again, I can only change myself. ... The reasoning behind this lies in the question: why would I want to be with someone I'm not completely happy with as he is right now, for better or worse? I wasn't perfect. Nor was he, BUT the difference is that he had made a decision... his reasoning trumped mine, of course, since it was his. ... I respect his decision, even though it still saddens me.

Who knows for now? You may fall within the "break-up because it's broken" side, as difficult as it is to think about now. ... But it might be possible to make things work out too! ... I could be fooling myself into thinking that I'm still in the "undecided" middle ground. I'm am far from understanding men still, with little experience. I'm not saying to not change them, or to change them to fit you. Manipulation of any kind isn't very healthy and will cause arguments in the future. Blaming doesn't work. Any kind of desparation might evoke pity... but it won't mean the relationship is based on true love and not fear or pity. My point: The more you want to change your bf, the more he'll resist, and the more you may argue. The more you want to be with him, the more he may want to back away. The important thing to do is LISTEN. Sometimes you can think you've been listening, but in reality you've been missing so much of the conversation.

And ... the point about selfishness: whatever you do/want for yourself is selfish to him, and vice versa. ... I'm almost convinced for myself that it's not a great way to judge things because the action will always seem selfish to someone.

Everyone has a different story. Do what you feel is appropriate for you. Be healthy, most importantly. Try writing your thoughts out...

good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 11:33am
Things are just so confusing right now! He still wants us to be friends, talk, hang out, etc...but for me that is really hard, going from being so intimate with someone to just being their friend. I talked to him this morning, we used to share a car and since we broke up he's been taking the bus. Well when i talked to him this morning he said us breaking up for a while is going to be good. What does that mean? I love him so much, and i want him to know that i am willing to change but he's not believing me, i don't know what to do for him to believe me. I'm kicking myself in the butt right now cause if i wasn't so stubborn we would still be together. He tells me that he's not looking for someone else or chasing after any other tail as he puts it. And that i am the one he wants to marry. If that's the case then why won't he give US another chance, then why is he telling me he can't believe me right now? I'm so confused and scared! one minute i'm feeling like a million dollars the next i feel like crap. Please help!