Broken Engagement, Living with Ex-Fiance
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| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 1:55pm |
I have just wasted six years with a Emotionally Unavailable Man, and I have only myself to blame for more than one reason. When we began dating, he was still married, although constantly reassured me his relationship with his wife was over and been emotionally over for years before. It took him over two years to get the official divorce (still I hung in there like fool!) while he swept me off my feet with big promises, presents, tons and tons of love and affection, great sex and my every wish fulfilled. The Perfect Man. After his divorce, we saved money and bought a house together and started renovating it ourselves. He asked me to marry him with a huge ring in a gorgeous restaurant and with a written invitation saying, he loved me more with each passing day and that he knew our journey in love would last forever. But when I started planning the wedding, he just didn’t seem into it. I figured it was just a guy thing. Three months after he asked me to marry him, it was Valentine’s Day and he didn’t get me anything. He said he forgot it at the office. We had planned a dinner at teh restaurant where we got engaged and he sat there like statue the whole time. Four days later, he broke the engagement and said he felt in his gut for over a year that things weren’t working for him and would never work. The following day he apologized and said he wanted to work on things. Then he broke up with me, then we “worked it out” then we broke up, etc… for six months. Eventually he told me that he’s just been in a different place than me, knowing it was really over for so long and if I was just honest with myself I would say I knew it was coming all this time too. I felt like tearing my hair out. NO YOU *&#%^&$*&^ I had REGISTERED FOR CHINA and shopped for dresses!!! How was I supposed to know he wasn’t happy when he was acting happy and proposing marriage!!! He has said such terrible things to me and hours later will act like a puppy dog and I will accept him back. The worst thing is that I can’t now he just wants to be friends, and while I think that's unrealistic at the moment, I can't escape him day-to-day because we bought the house and it’s ripped apart and has to be fixed before it’s sold. Neither of us can afford to live somewhere else and pay the mortgage. The loan is in my name only, but at least we have a contractual agreement to both pay. He seems to be perfectly happy with this situation!!

First let me just say that I'm really sorry you are going this. Your ex-fiance sounds unstable at best and bi-polar at the extreme. I know financial obligations sometimes seem to hang over everything we do, and it's hard to just throw those worries out the window when you are going through a breakup. However, having said that, I think you need to get as far away from this man as possible. I also think you should read Bryn Collins book, "Emotional Unavailability". I've been in a similar situation with a person like this and if I had it to do over again, when I made the final break I would have packed up my dog, grabbed the keys and some clothes, and walked out the door never to deal with him again. Instead, I stayed living there until all the financial mess was worked out, and truthfully it caused me nothing but more pain. If anything, go stay with a friend or family member and work on the weekends to get the house in selling condition. I hate the thought of you having to deal with his yo yo-ing while also trying to get over this breakup. What if he decides to "move on" and latch on to someone else? Can you handle living with this man and him dating?
I realize that I haven't offered a lot of alternatives, but I really do want you to think twice about continuing to live in this situation. Don't allow him to have this kind of power over you. Make a plan for the house, set a deadline, move in with a trusted friend, and proceed in getting this mess behind you.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
RG
Welcome to the board starsgobluegirl,
You know I had a totally different thought about your post the other day and I'm so glad I didn't post it now with the new info you provided.