Broken Engagement, Still Living Together

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Broken Engagement, Still Living Together
1
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 9:45pm
My (now) ex-fiancée and I have been on and off basically since Thanksgiving. I was very cautious in the beginning of our relationship because I didn’t want to get hurt, but he constantly reassured me that he wanted the same things that I did and that he was looking for a serious, long-term partner. We’ve been having problems (mostly him asserting that he needs to "find" himself) but he begged me to stay with him over the holidays (we live in different states) so that we can try and work on our relationship. Therefore, I sublet my place, got a seasonal job near him, and temporarily moved in. Then, I found out that our entire relationship has been a complete and utter lie. I discovered that he has been cheating on me with his WIFE (he told me he was divorced) who he left to be with me. Two days after my arrival, he realizes that he’s still in love with her and wants me to leave. Then a few days later, he tells me that he loves me and thinks we can make it work. I now realize that he has severe mental health issues (definitely co-dependent and possibly borderline personality disorder). I’m so torn between hating him and feeling sorry for him. He recognizes he needs to get help yet he has a million excuses for why he has not made an appointment to see a counselor. I feel so emotionally drained and I’m continuously getting manipulated into his crazy world, where he is the perpetual victim (even though he was the one cheating on me!!!). As much as he pisses me off, it’s still difficult to erase all the hopes and dreams that I had for our future, especially when he talks about getting back together. We were planning our wedding and were even trying to get pregnant. The worst part is, I have no where to go and am stuck living with him for the next two weeks until I can move back into my place. I’m trying to focus on the positive side (good thing I realized all of this now instead of a wedding ring and two kids later), but the pain is still so fresh that it’s hard to remain objective. Anyone have any suggestions on how to let go without getting sucked back onto his emotional roller coaster even though we’re stuck in the same house until Jan 15th?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 7:09am

graduatestudent07...

Pianoguy is gonna assume that you have a few 'aspirations' of your own...without the former fiancee!

So why aren't you pursuing those....instead of worrying about this 'turkey' and who he may or may not want to spend his life with? You CAN'T solve his problems...only your own!

Here's an interesting fact about manipulation......

YOU have the power to avoid "falling into the same trap again and again!" But expecting another person to 'change overnight' is the same thing as expecting the federal deficit to disappear!

And that ain't gonna happen anytime soon!!!

Pianoguy