broken heart...... what is it telling me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
broken heart...... what is it telling me
6
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:25am
I recently left my husband of 1 year because he was very verbally and mentally abusive, calling me a bad mother, selfish, telling me what I'm allowed to do and who to see, giving me curfews, silent treatment, and the list goes on. I finally got sick of it and left him. Now he is begging me to come back, taking the blame for everything, bringing me flowers, writing me letters, and he swears he will change. Well my other problem is that I've hooked up with someone that has loved me for a long time. He is a very sweet guy and treats me better than my husband ever has. I have promised him that I will be with him and wanted it to be that way for awhile. Now I'm really starting to miss my husband and am wondering if I should give him another chance, maybe he has changed. I still really love him and I'm having a really hard time without him. There were good times to, it wasn't always bad, but when I think about what he has put me through in the past, it kills me to think I could go through that again, I couldn't deal with it. It is hard for me to believe that he has really changed for good because he put me through so much pain. I know i'd eventually get over him, but I don't want to hurt him by telling him that it is over for good, I don't know how he would deal with it. And I don't want to hurt the man I'm with now, he has done everything for me and has always been there for me anytime I was in a jam, I do love this man to, and know I could be happy with him. I am very confused, my heart is telling me to give my husband another chance, but my intuition and head are telling me that it wouldn't change. The other man has a big piece of my heart and it feels so right being with him. When I'm with him I feel happy and don't even think about my husband. But when I'm alone, my husband is always on my mind and I feel like crying my brains out. I know that I could never deal with my husband being so mean to me again, hearing his harsh and degrading words for the rest of my life. I don't want to mess up my chances with the other man by going back to my husband, ecspecially if it's the wrong decision. Please help me, should I listen to my gut feeling and my head, or my broken heart?


confused with a broken heart!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 9:20am
He breakup of a marriage it tough under the best of circumstances. There will always be doubts on your end as whether you did the right thing. It took me a few years after the breakup of my marriage to fully accept it was for the best.

I am sure your husband has played the cards to pull your heart strings and probably to make you feel guilty for wanting to end the marriage.

But my advice would be to go with your head and not your heart. Please base your decisions on cold hard facts and not emotions. Making decisions based on our emotions is what gets us in trouble to begin with. Your husband is not going to change overnight, and if he was as abusive as you say -- then what he is doing right now is a classic response of abusers to woo back their 'victims'. It is so easy to promise the moon, but actions speak louder than words. These behaviors of his are deeply ingrained and unless he gets some serious therapy -- and I don't mean a few sessions -- nothing will change.

Please be aware that if you go back to your husband, his bad treatment of you will eventually resume. Generally the first year of marriage is the honeymoon stage where both people are still on their best behavior. So I shudder to think how he will be treating you 3 years from now. You will get over him, but you will have to ask him not to contact you any more in order for that to happen. Stay strong.

Lois

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:55am
It is common wisdom to go with your gut. But sometimes, when we've been raised not to trust ourselves we lose touch with that voice, so that we can't really tune into our gut, and we lose our way.

Sounds like you have a tough decision either way. In my opinion, your husband sounds like he has a serious problem. If I were you I would not go back to him unless he were willing to go to couples therapy. I suspect that if you just run back within a few months everything will be as it ever was and you'll be regretting leaving the other man, who seems to make you a lot happier.

I don't want to say leave your husband he sounds bad and stay with this new man because he sounds better because that just sounds too simplistic. I realize that emotions are more complicated than that. Have you considered seeing a therapist so you can talk this out? It may help you come to a better decision.

You might also try going to the Ending My Affair Support Board here on ivillage. There are many women there in situations similar to yours.

From the outside, it sounds to me like you really want to leave your husband and be with this new man. But you're inside the situation so it's not that simple. It sounds to me like the main feeling you have towards your husband is pity. It sounds like you feel sorry for him. Love requires respect and admiration. How can you respect and admire someone who abused you? Again, my opinion is you should cut him loose, but I realize it's easier said than done. In any event, do NOT go back to him without getting some sort of couples counseling. Would he be willing to try that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 11:09am
which also means - I'm insecure, immature, I lack identity, success, security, and happiness as personally defined and achieved so I have to live at someone else's standards, by their values, for thier goals, and with their priorities.

Which person suits me best - because I'm incomplete.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 2:24pm
First off- How long after your split with your x did you go for the second guy? BIG FACTOR. And does your x know about the second guy- next big factor. If it was soon after your x and you split then you have the honeymoon love- best in the world. Later may not be so great- if you know what I mean. And if it your x knows about the other guy- good chance he doesnt want to see you happy. I cant really give you advice unless you reply with answers to this. Hope to hear from you! stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:32pm
Follow your head on this one.

Because your hubby is abusive (and statistically less than 1% of abusers *permanently* change for the better), I would strongly urge you NOT to go to couples counseling with him UNLESS you get with a counselor who *specializes* in dealing with marriages or relationships involving domestic abuse/violence.

My encouragement to you is to leave your marriage. If you go back, it is extremely likely that your hubby be nice for a while and then eventually revert to his abusive ways. Once that happens, he will REDOUBLE his efforts to keep you under his thumb and leaving him once and for all will be even harder.

Play the sympathy card by telling him you're not the woman for him and will NEVER be able to do measure up to his standards and do EVERYTHING the way he wants.

All the best to you,

Heymum


Edited 9/17/2004 3:33 pm ET ET by heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 11:51pm
Welcome to the board!!! I'm sorry about your marital troubles. I don't think anybody should have to put up with any kind of abuse and am glad to see that you were strong enough to walk away from it!! It's understandable to miss him and to be confused. Personally.....I have trouble beleiving he will change. In my experience...guys will change for a short while but soon be back to there old ways....if not worse. But whether or not to give him a second chance is completely up to you....just be careful. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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