broken-hearted - how to win him back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
broken-hearted - how to win him back?
2
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 2:28pm

My boyfriend recently left me for another girl, and I really want to know why and how to get him back. The story is long, so thanks in advance for your patience.

He had been pursuing me since January this year. I had great fun with him but I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend yet (actually he was partially the reason that I broke up with my ex, whom I've waited 5 years for a commitment, until he showed up). It took me a while to finally decide to be with him. We were both in the same city, but when we got together, he had to move to another city of 6 hours driving distance for an internship. However, distance wasn't a problem for us. He loved me very much. Sometimes I wonder if I fell for him because of the way he treated me, or because of him. In this one month that we were together, we had a lot of fun. We talked every night until we fell asleep, and again as soon as we got up in the morning, not to mention throughout the day. I could tell that he was crazy about me. He even wanted to marry me. I've never had a guy who showed so much affections on me. Maybe because of this, I thought that he would always be there for me, therefore took things for granted.

One month into the relationship, despite the fun we had, I started thinking about my ex again. I couldn't decide, because my ex wanted to get back together. So I told him that I couldn't be with him until I knew what I wanted. I didn't get back together with my ex either. As a matter of fact, I didn't know if I wanted to get back together with him. I just needed this time to be alone and think. We still talked everyday, and he was still waiting for me. But I was in the bad mood all the time, torn between two men. I think deep inside, I already fell in love with him, but I couldn't let go of the 5-years memory with my ex. So I started pointing out our differences to him. He's kind of an extremist and is not afraid of expressing his opinions, and I am a mellow person. He enjoys outdoor activities and exhausting traveling (hiking, for example) but I am more of an indoor person. These differences now don't seem like deal-breakers, but at that time I was subconsciously trying to push him away, to make my decision easier. I got irritated even for the smallest things. But he was still holding on. He said, sometimes he thought that maybe it was time to give up, but he thought about the many good things that could happen in the future between us, so he kept going.

But one day we both couldn't take it anymore. I suggested we "broke up" (while in fact we were not really together). He said that I should be careful of what I suggest, because once he decides to give up, it'll be permanent. I knew that he meant it. He's always been very determined. So he suggested taking a break from each other for a while: no contact until I decide what to do. I agreed. We didn't talk to each other for a week, and then I realized how much I missed him and how much I wished that he were here with me. So I called him. He sounded surprised. He said he was prepared to hear the bad news. But he said he would like us to wait another week, just to be sure. At that time I thought that he was worried that I was being impulsive again. But a week later, he called me and told me that he doesn't want to try any more. He said that in the past 6 months he felt like he was on drugs. He was so crazy about me that he changed completely, and all he could think of was to be with me. He changed his personality, his daily routine, his life plans, etc. But during the one week solitude, he woke up and realized that we have too many differences, and he doesn't feel like this is the kind of life he wants anymore.

I was in shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was so confident that he would always be there for me that it took me by surprise. Eventually he told me another reason. There was this girl that he met last year. They spent some time together last summer, and she made him realize that he didn't really love his ex-fiance. So he broke his 7-year engagement. He didn't pursue her because she has a boyfriend. But she made him realize that his ex-fiance wasn't the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And then he met me. He thought that he didn't have any feelings for her anymore. I felt insecure about her while we were together, because he found out that she also had a crush on him. But he reassured me that I was the one he wanted, and that even if she were available and standing in front of him, he would still choose me in a split second.

Coincidentally, one day after we started our "break," she called him up and told him that she is now in the same area for internship (she was in Boston before, and he's in California). So they met. He told me that he hesitated because things were so shaky between us, and he felt dangerous to see her. But he told himself that he needed to find out, just to make sure. Of course, after they met, they realized that they still had feelings for each other. And once again, she made him realize how incompatible we are, and how compatible they are. The one-week that he suggested, was actually for him to think this through. So regardless of the fact that she's still not available, he dumped me.

I was broken-hearted, but I couldn't really blame him because of all the pain I've put him through. I tried to get him back but he's very determined. He said he really wants to see where things could lead with this girl, since she caused him to break his only two real relationships. And even if she didn't exist, he still wouldn't want to get back together with me because he doesn't see it work long-term. I tried to tell him that we can work out the differences if we both want to, but he doesn't want to work so hard anymore. I don't know if he really thinks that our differences are the deal-breakers, or is it because he wants to be with the girl now? I don't understand how can someone so madly in love changed completely in just 2 weeks? He said that everything he said to me/felt for me were real, but the "moment has passed." I insisted that it was the girl that made the moment pass, and she just happened to show up on the worst possible time. I asked him if we could find the feelings back once we see each other. He said perhaps, but he'd rather not. There is no point, he said.

The past few days I've been thinking if I should just cut my losses and move on, or wait for him. Since he waited for me to "explore" the possibility with my ex, I decided to try whatever I could to get him back. But perhaps not now. His mind is occupied with this girl now that he doesn't think about me anymore. Two months later I'll move to the other coast for a job, and I certainly don't want to bring the baggage with me. So I told him that I understand him wanting to explore and find out what's going on with this girl, since I was in his shoes in the past 6 months, and that I am not trying to get him back now because it wouldn't be safe. "Is 2 months enough?" I asked him. I told him to explore whatever he needs to in these two months, and I may or may not wait. He was touched, but still told me not to wait, although he thinks in all likelihood he and this girl will just remain friends (he's leaving the area again in mid-July, and eventually after the summer she'd have to go back to the east coast).

I know that it's stupid of me to even expect anything from him now, but I have to do it. At least, if I still fail after trying everything, then I'd have no regret. I don't know if there is any chance for me still, even if they are not together, but I really hope that there is... Can someone please tell me what I should do? Thanks, and sorry for the long post.

Broken-hearted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 9:49am
I think your boyfriend is too easily peruaded by other women. He is immature and can't really commit or else why would this woman be able to convice him that he is not compatible with either his XF or you? Not unusual though. I think men are like birds, they won't leave one nest until they have another one feathered. He needs to grow up and figure out for himself what kind of woman he is compatible with.
You asked for advice, so here is mine. Focus on your job plans and yourself. You will find a man (as opposed to a boy) who will love you for who you are and is not so easily led astray by someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 11:11pm
Honey, I know this hurts but...I think you're thinking about this in the wrong way....he left you for another girl and you can't make him want to come back to you he has to want to do that all on his own.
I know you really were and still are hung up on him but it sounds to me like you both kind of rushed into things...in my experience if you rush right in and are talking about marriage so quickly....the relationship usually falls apart just as quickly.
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