Broken me
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| Wed, 09-14-2005 - 7:52pm |
Well let me just start by saying good going for all of those who are staying strong and not giving into those impulses and for those who do it's okay because one day soon you won't and you will be stronger! My 40 year old boyfriend of 6 months and I broke up what i feel like is for the fourth time in two months but who knows what he thinks. In the beginning I was hesitant to believe all his Casanova love lines but his actions backed it up and he was wonderful. About 4 months into the realtionship he started getting colder to me and keeping out time on a schedule. What I mean is at first I would be spending 5 out of 7 nights with him then it went down to maybe two nights but mostly one. He was neglecting me and when I wanted to break up he said he didnt want that but that he needed some space. I still left but we werent really broken up and we did see each other usually after a week of being apart. A month ago there was a big dramatic break up for us or at least I thought. He said he didnt want to close that door and I said i couldnt keep doing that but he said he is at a wierd stage in his life him turning 40 and felt like he had no passion for anything but didnt want to lose me. Me being the love fool that i am I kept going back and giving in even though he hurt me over and over. Last weekend I had breakfast with him and he begfan the day with telling me how he is feeling smothered again by me calling him (one time) and inviting him to dinner with me. Then he went on to say he is emotionally not available for me but still loves me. I told him that I have to let go and that he has to also. He didnt agree. Then I was printing something on his printer and instead of my job coming out a picture of a call girl came out. When I asked him about it, he immediately said it was a joke for friend then the story went on saying that his friend hasnt had sex in awhile and this was a joke. I didn't believe him of course and started crying uncontrollably. When I said I didnt want to see him anymore he said that I was being overdramatic and he was trying to act like it was no big deal what i found. I said goodbye when I left but he didnt and it has been 4 days since we spoke. I know its stupid but I cant help but thinking if he cared so freaking much about me why hasnt he called and said he was sorry or anything and even though I shouldnt call him I still have that urge but havent called. I'm trying to get over it and have read the resources to heal a broken heart and I know it wont last forever but it still feels awful. My friends are tired of me talking about it and say I am truly an idiot for even still caring but my heart is still in it. I feel a little better writing this but wish I could wake up from my bad dream. Thanks for listening and I would love your feedback.
Broken Me
