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...broken no contact
| Wed, 03-05-2008 - 10:45am |
It's my birthday today and he IMed me to wish me a happy birthday. And I responded. I didn't beg or plead or anything, which I guess was good, but now I just feel like garbage because part of me half-expected him to say, "I miss you, please come home." And of course, those words never came.
Ugh. I was doing so well, too.
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Edited 3/13/2008 9:12 am ET by uncommononsense

Happy happy birthday uncommononsense! Oh honey, I am giving you the biggest hug right now. I was right in your place only four days ago! It was my birthday and I wondered if he would contact and he texted me. So I CALLED him. And it was horrible. (I don't know if you read my post about that.)
I'll lay it out there- most of my day stunk this year. It was horrible hearing from him because it was kind of like what your ex did. He left me a text saying, "Don't mean to impose but wanting to wish you a happy birthday. Take care." I was enraged! Imposing? Telling me to take care? And I let him know that in the phone call. I was so angry. He kept apologizing (for the text and my anger, not the break-up) and saying that he really had good intentions and that he wanted to honor me on my day. I wishy-washy told him to stop contacting me and then I called an hour later (no answer) and left a MUCH calmer message saying yes, indeed, please don't contact me anymore because it hurts too much. My situation is that I have no hope. I know this is over. He's said that to me in three different conversations (including the break-up). He would have to change 3 major values which I don't think he could change one and there isn't anything humanly possible he can do for me to forgive him the hurt and pain and humiliation of our unique situation. It hurts to write this but for me at least, its over.
From your posts, I get the impression that you are a warm, loving, compassionate person. Turn those feelings on yourself! Celebrate this day! If you aren't going out, call people and make them celebrate you. I've realized that in the six weeks and a day since my break-up. I would push aside my accomplishments for others. Well, not anymore! I had called a friend and she set up this great party of 9 of my friends for me. And they were all so happy to come and be with me (not us!) and I realized that sometimes you have to make it about you. Even though the day was bad, I had a fun night out. So you might be in some pain right now over the fact that you were in contact (I forget how long your NC has been) but you will start again tomorrow. And it will be better tomorrow.
I am so so sorry that you are dealing with this today. I say try to have fun and then realize, tomorrow will be different. You are getting through this and I know you will be able to get through this.
Swallens
PS Don't know how much you are into songs but you should look at a video of Jewel's Stronger Woman. Yes, it makes me cry but it is EXACTLY how I feel right now!
Well, happy birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY and a HUG
Swallens, you've been so kind to me through this. I'm glad we "met" through this board. It's so heartening to find a new post that helps me get through the next couple of hours. Every time you post something, I realize how similar our stories are. I was so glad that you suggested Jewel's "Stronger Woman" video today. It has totally been my theme song through this whole breakup, and I listen to it a couple of times a day at least, even though it makes me cry too. I hadn't yet seen the video though, and was glad that you brought it to my attention. I'm definitely going to go find it right now.
As much as your situation must hurt, I'm so proud of you for getting to a place where you can confidently say that it's over. Even on the rough days, at least you are not denying that this is truly the end. I almost look forward to that day so that I can move on more easily.
Thank you so much for saying that you find my posts to be warm and compassionate--that compliment absolutely made my day one hundred times better. I'm really going to commit to making today a day for me and not let anything that he said get me down, thanks to you. I'm gonna get up tomorrow at start no contact again tomorrow, without beating myself up over it. I know I've been doing well up until today, and I can continue that.
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Edited 3/13/2008 9:13 am ET by uncommononsense
Uncommononsense-
Honey, don't even mention it! This is what people are supposed to do for each other- be there, support and help. My heart breaks that anyone else is going through all this pain and hurt.
How was your birthday? Did you end up doing anything? I really hope you did and I hope you had a good time.
Sigh. Thank you for your message too. I tried to get into that chat room last night but it was late. I would like to be able to "talk" to you more too- its nice talking to someone who is going through this situation then sitting with friends going on and on about husbands and boyfriends and cooking together! As nice as they are...
Take it easy tonight!
Swallens
I had one of my friends take me out for my birthday last night, and it was a nice time, although part of the time, the conversation gravitated toward my ex. She was asking me how I was, and of course, that just brought up a whole bunch of issues that I kinda wanted to avoid.
I thought today would be better, but unfortunately, it's turning out to be one of the worst days yet. It just seems like with each passing day, I don't get angrier at him for breaking up with me, or wish that he would stay away, but rather miss him more and wish he were with me. I keep trying to remind myself though, that what I really miss is someone who *misses me*. If he doesn't want to be with me, why would I miss that?
((Swallens--I hope that we're able to "talk" also--perhaps we should set up a time to chat so that we don't miss one another. What time zone do you live in (I live in Eastern)?))
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Edited 3/13/2008 9:11 am ET by uncommononsense
I'm glad to hear that you went out. I ran into a similar situation too (talking about the ex, different feelings etc.). I can't believe how unGodly hard this all is. I am actually having a pretty horrible day too. I feel that my ex got painted in such a wonderful positive light and that I am the girl who lost him because I wasn't as nice or good or funny or warm or anything. It is the first day of my spring break and I don't know what to do for the next week. I just want to feel better!
I would like to chat with you too. My schedule is pretty clear right now so just let me know days/times. I live in central so we are not too far off. I hope you are doing better and if not, cry sister! Cry until you can't anymore- that's what I'm about to do.