Bumped into my ex--hurting once again
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| Sun, 06-26-2005 - 9:41pm |
Hi everyone,
The strangest thing happened to me on Saturday. A friend came into town for a visit and I took her out to a great wine bar in the city. It's like a hidden treasure tucked in the middle of nowhere. While I having a smoke outside my ex shows up with his friends and I was rendered speechless and in shock. It's been five months since I last saw him and I felt like a cruel joke was being played on me. It's been so extremely difficult trying to get over him, to stop thinking of him and stop crying for him. I live in such a big city what is the coincidence that we would end up at the same bar.
Anyhow he looked so unbelieveably hot and all my feelings and all my emotions came rushing back. I fell in love with him all over again. We hugged and kissed on the cheek. He stayed at the opposite corner with his friends and we didn't speak to one another at all. However, I did catch him staring at me a few times. One of his friends invited us to hang out with them for the rest of the night at a karaoke bar. I was totally distracted by my friends and his friends. I kept my distance from him and tried for dear life to hide my feelings. We sang a couple of songs together and shared a few laughs all in all had a great time.
Please understand, I never got my closure from this relationship and I guess I never will. I love him with all my heart and soul and seeing him again open up the wound again. There was so much I wanted to say to him but I was too drunk and refused to put myslef out there again. Our goodbye tore my heart into a million pieces....he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek very tenderly and whispered in my ear "please don't do this to me" and he turned and kissed me again on the other cheek whispering in my ear "i have a girlfirend". I can't remember what I said, I don't think I said anything to him after that. Maybe goodbye. And I walked away....
So right now, I'm pretty much crying my heart out because once again he broke my heart. I was never good enough to be his girlfriend when we were together--just a hook-up, a fwb, a fb. I guess you get the picture. He always said he wasn't ready for a relationship but whenever we weren't together he always had a girlfriend. And now I left wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Why was I not good enough? All I ever wnated was to love him and I did unconditionally even after he did me wrong so many times, I still had nothing but love for him. Why did he feel the need to tell me that he had a g/f? I wasn't expecting anything from him and I never lead him to believe otherwise on Saturday. Now I'm back to square one--getting over him all over agin. My heart is just aching and my eyes are puffy and red from all the tears....I just can't stop thinking about him and that fact that after five months he has moved on so easily and quickly and is now loving someone else and I'm left with nothing but heartache. Why couldn't I be the one? I feel like faith had played a mean joke on me. I wished I never saw him and right about now I wished I never met him because I'm so emotionally drained from all of this I don't even want to face another day. I hate him so much for doing this to me--I didn't deserve this.....
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Hema

My dear,
You're going to be ok... this is just a bump in the road.
Remember, no contact... don't call him, don't email, don't talk to him on the phone if he calls... and most importantly NO sex-buddies with an ex -- ever.
This will pass... give it a chance.
:)
Hi there,
Thanks for writing. I've been on the rollercoaster for 2 years and after Saturday night I've decided to walk away for good. No contact what-so-ever!!! Let's just hope I'm strong enough.
Hi Heidi, thanks for responding to my post. You're not the only one who wondered whether or not he has a g/f. All my friends seem to question that as well. I'm not sure he said it because I completely ignored him and kept myself preoccupied with his friends and mine as well--just to save face. But why tell me something like that if it is untrue. Why hurt all over again??? It's obvious he doesn't want me as a g/f, he seems to always have one when we are not togther but never allowed me to be his after being togther on and off for two years. I just don't understand why. It was obvious that he wanted me. He couldn't stop staring, but I refused to throw myself at him and be nice when he has hurt me so many times and disregarded my feeling. But I do feel bad for ignoring him and I hope he wasn't hurt that I was somewhat flirting with his friend. But his friend was just a distraction because I really didn't know what to do with myself with him being there. I wanted to talk to him and catch up and I stayed away--was too afraid to put myself out there again just to be hurt all over again. But I love him so much, I am worried about hurting him by my behavior. I have such a soft spot for him.
I'm just so confused as to why he would say "please don't do this to me" and then tell me he has a g/f? I wish I would have asked, but all I could do was walk away. I guess it just hurts too much him telling me he is with someone else. To be honest I do want to contact him. I want to have a heart to heart with him once and for all and tell him how I feel and how he's made me feel and ask him what I was to him and why we couldn't work. After two years of being in each other's life we never talked about our feelings, we both just stayed away from that topic. I want him to tell me to let go--maybe then I can finally move on because I can't, I just can't seem to move on and it's killing me. Is this a good idea? Please help, I just don't know what to do anymore....
Hema
Hiya Hema,
I have posted, or vented my lovelorn misery, here before, and been a silent viewer of late...but your post was begging for me to reply. I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Briefly: I live in the UK and work in London. Last year I went on a reckless spree of dates and NS sex only to end up involved (on/off) with one of my encounters (a young, handsome, cocky Afrikaner). We were, like your set-up, f..k buddies. He ended the intimate side of things last sept, realising he didn't want it to turn into a full on relationship with an "older" woman, and I stupidly agreed to remain platonic friends - you know the old story, hanging on in the hope of a few sporadic crumbs!!!
Anyway, fast forward to May this year and, hey presto, we sleep together again. Despite his refusal to go there again he lapsed for a second and I seized the moment!! Following on from this I receive this blunt email from him declaring that, although it was enjoyable, he was "disappointed" at himself for sleeping with me as he has a (loosely-termed) "girlfriend" back in South Africa he's been "holding out" for. As if I cared, but yes point taken!
The reason why I'm divulging this to you is that I can sympathise...utterly. But, as with my guy, whether said "girlfriend" is fictitious or not, the fact that they've said it sort of indicates they are completely out of bounds to you emotionally. You will, quite naturally, go round and round in circles trying to extrapolate "this" from "that", the ambiguous nuances of the evening, so on and so forth. But really, men are predatory and when they want something, they go for it. Never underestimate how guilt and puffing up their own egos plays a crucial part in someone being "nice".
Why should YOU feel "bad" about anything. This person isn't worth the totality of your love. They kept you dangling on the infamous "f..k buddy" string (which is a commitment cop out) and then decided to call it a day. He isn't worth any tears, hand-wringing, despairing circular ruminations...nothing.
I realise in some respects I cannot talk. I am still in contact with my SA "buddy" in spite of the cold-hearted email I received about this (one of many) "girl" - we forgive them more than we would our best buddies it seems!! I am trying my hardest to cut or at least limit contact as I absolutely do not want a repeat performance of May's event.
Guys are pretty uncomplicated when you think about it. They say it as it is usually. So my SA buddy telling me how disappointed he is in himself (apart from being incredibly self-indulgent) is his way of drawing a line called distance and standing directly behind it. He "really loves someone" back home. Even if this is fabrication, it is them telling us they are not emotionally available.
The only person who can give it proper closure is you. This does two things: it means you take action FOR YOU, not him, so is an empowering step forward, and also helps you to symbolically close a chapter you may never find the complete answers to. After all, if my SA guy told me he would have entered into a relationship had I been nearer his age, would this make me feel any better?? Nope! Some things are better left unsaid.
All the best
Habibi x
Hey Hahibi...
Thanks for writing and rehashing your situation. You are absolutely right. I don't him to give me the closure I am looking for, I have to find that from within and with that being said I think it's time I finally move on.
At the beginning of the week, I drove myself madly insane analizing and disecting every aspect of Saturday night. But all in all, it's true, if he did want anything from me he would have done something. If he had anything to say to me, he would have done so. We both kept our distance and my walls came back up and I went straight into my shell. I've been hurt and heartbroken too many times by him and all I could think about was not showing him any emotions or the effect he's had on me and still do. I'm glad I was able to walk away without any evidence that I was still in love with him. And I will leave it at that.
I'm not the wreck I was at the start of the week and I'm slowly trying to pick up the pieces and carry on without thinking of him...I guess I was blown away by bumping into into him--was totally caught off guard. I still shed a tear here and there but I'm slowly letting him go and slowly giving up on there being some small miracle that would bring us back together (I know I sound pathetic but I'm being honest). But little of part me still craves for him. Why? I guess it's just hard to let go of your first.
Thanks for sharing your experience with me and for your words of encouragement--it was definitely an eye opener and so honest and truthful, it made me realize a lot of things that I chose to ignore and now need to accept. I agree with you that there are some things that are better left unsaid. I'm glad you wrote it was helpful. I wish you all the best with your current situation and keep me posted on things.
Thanks,
Hema
Hi Hema,
Well we are all sisters in this and sharing is the best most cathartic thing we can do to start to feel we can breath again without the underlying ache. I've just been chatting with my sister about love, lust, attachment to those men who should come with a "health warning" (the dangerous ones I always fall for) and I feel the one thing we should NEVER do is blame ourselves for being "silly", "foolish", "pathetic" in affairs of the heart. Often we are our own worst critics. It is only ever enough to recognise we may have made an error of judgment or reckless mistake, then move on. You should pat yourself on the back that you didn't break down in tears in front of him and kept your cool!! You scored yourself a big point for your pride there.
It is better to want no-one than to want a man who returns nothing but dust. These men who want playthings at their disposal whilst they figure out who it is they REALLY want to "settle" with, and marry, are perilous to women who give their hearts away easily and fully. I convinced myself I could handle a non-commital f..k buddy scenario when all along I knew full well I was falling for this guy. Now it's come back to bite me the bum...so to speak!!!!!
In fact, my SA guy was the lucky recipient of a ticket to Live8 tomorrow in Hyde Park. He gloated to me how much he was looking forward to what will be the "highlight" of his year..but naturally he is taking a (female) housemate along. I feel a little bitter about this, but realise full well that he hasn't changed his nonchalant tune since day 1. He isn't spending his time moping over me, that's for sure, but looking forward to the next big thing in his life.
So let's not spend our time moping over these only too fallible human beings called men! It's their loss if they cannot recognise that we are women who embrace love and life and are, as my wonderful Namibian friend told me, "uniquely perfect"!!!
I will keep you updated! And remember to do the same.
Habibi xx
Edited 7/1/2005 5:30 pm ET ET by habibi_baby
Hello Habibi,
WELL SAID!!!!!!
Good luck to both of you!!
~Lisa L