Can this go any further? I'm devesatated
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| Thu, 12-14-2006 - 7:49pm |
Can you earn trust and affection back after a BIG mistake from a male virgo?
An Italian from Rome and I had been dating for about 3 months. After a Thanksgiving break from college, he did not call me for four days after he came back. I panicked and incorrectly assumed he wasnt interested. Therefore, since im a direct person just left two messages(on different days-friday & sunday) asking if he still was just because if i didnt hear from him by like thursday (yesterday) i was going to assume he wasnt interested. i already know that was a mistake because it came across as an ultimatium to him as I found out after we "talked" yesterday. Rather he was upset with that because he felt pressured which was actually not the intention at all. What was the issue was that our mutual professor had found out some intimate details about us and he was upset by that. I did mention to my professor that he and I dated and that I was upset with some of the things that he has done. I also mentioned that Iwas disappointed to why he hadn't already called me. That was the extent to was the extent to what I said, but it was obvious he put the rest together (correctly). However, I had assumed this was in complete and total confidence with my professor as he had told me so. As a Europrean myself, (Spainard) I am used to people keeping their word and meaning what they say when they say it. However, it was apparent that my professor had actually told the Italian what I had said. He seemed more upset that the professor knew as he has a love/hate relationship with the professor then the phone calls or anything else. As I did apologize profusely since I did not realize what a big deal it was he just brushed the apologizes off (understandbly). We ended with have a great break(the christmas break is coming up)
He and I spoke and he basically came across as: I care about you, but I've felt that you crossed the line even though you didn't mean to. I felt pressured with the phone call things, upset that you didn't put more faith in us, embarassed by the professor thing and hurt because you made me lose my trust in you.
I saw him today on campus and he smiled (a geniune but no teeth smile) and gave a wave. I was planning on walking over to him but then his guy friend came up who had been waiting for him and they left. Should I have said something, should I call or what should I do?

Dejalo, esto se acabo.
Basically, that's short for, what he said to you about why he broke up with you are exactly the reasons why, and they're actually very good reasons.
Ouch.
To answer your question: Do nothing. What good timing that a guy friend walked over! Whoowhoo. Just let him think you've moved on, and then follow up that assumption with action.
If he's not chasing you anymore, don't chase him back. Walk in the other direction and see what happens.
Here's another view: you may have been right in your assumption that he wasn't all that interested. I agree, 4 days not hearing from a guy you're dating isn't a good sign.
I think what he said to you was probably true, but I think it could have been a bunch of BS to make YOU feel guilty when HE'S not interested in going any further in the relationship. Don't let him guilt trip you.
Here's a clue I've found: Watch the language a guy uses. What guys go around talking about trust? And that they feel pressured by women? To be unashamedly sexist and stereotypical, those phrases are girl talk. Guy's don't sit around and talk like that. If you cheat on them, it's like F You, you cheated on me. If you ever see them again. So if they girl talk with us, I've noticed it usually means its BS. You're getting the "excuses" version. And as you noticed, it's everything wrong with YOU, not with HIM. That's his way of shifting the blame.
Your best chance is to move on regardless. If he becomes interested after you're not anymore, well, then he is (and you've learned something about how much he likes the chase). If he doesn't, well then all the things Sandra said can be applied anyway.
Meanwhile pick yourself up a copy of Why Men Love Bitches and it'll give you some ideas for how to handle it next time.
Just so you feel better, we've all been there. We've all done things we regret. It's just good to keep learning & use all our new techniques with the new hot guy!
Edited 12/15/2006 7:01 pm ET by devuchka
"I'm worried you haven't called in X days. (Or, Just calling to say hi because I haven't heard from you...) If you're not interested anymore, just let me know. If I don't hear by X-day, I'll assume you're not and that's okay. I just want to know." --SANDRA
Sandra, you just cleared so many things up in my head. You're right. This IS pressure for the man. I've either said all these things or thought all these things in every relationship i've had. I guess the key is to write those thoughts in a journal and never express them to the man.