Can I be his friend yet????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Can I be his friend yet????
7
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 11:17pm

I've been really missing my ex and thinking that I want to be his friend. We have been broken up for 1 1/2 months. He wanted to be friends right away and I said no. Then I called him after a few weeks and the next time we saw each other, we made the mistake of spending the night with each other. But, it didn't change my feelings or anything like that. This was a week and a half ago. We talked a couple times the next week, but haven't talked in about 6 days. His birthday was Sunday and I didn't even call or anything. I feel really badly about that now....should I?

I just feel like now I know we wont be getting back together and I am only going to be living in the same city as him for 2 more months. So I feel like we are running out of time to be friends. Plus, I really miss talking to him about stuff. We have so much in common. I really don't know what to do??? Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 10:21pm

I think I may have answered my own question. I talked to him on the phone this morning and I thought it was all fine and I could be his friend. So, we made plans for lunch. Well, he was flirting with me the entire time and acting jealous and so naturally I started to wonder why we even broke up. It was obvious we still have attraction and chemistry and get along great. His supposed reason for us breaking up is that he just doesnt think this is a time in his life when he can be in a relationship. But, I just can't help think there is something more to it than that.

So of course i started obssessing and wondering what it could be and so on. Now I think I realize why no contact is the best thing. I just dont get why he wants to string me along in a sense. I mean is he not sure that he made the right decision or what? Or is he just being a selfish jerk and wants to know that I'm just there waiting???

Any advice? Where do I go from here? Back to no contact again? Thankfully I'm moving in 2 months. So that will take care of it somewhat. What do yall think about this one??

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:55am

I think he's being a selfish jerk. He likes your company, he likes flirting, but he doesn't want a relationship.

From He's Just Not That Into You:

I don't know the exact quote but I think this is pretty close "Men don't show that they're into you by breaking up with you".

So, if he wanted to have something with you, you wouldn't be guessing and speculating. You'd KNOW because he'd be making it obvious. He'd SAY he wanted to be in a relationship with you.

I say demand better for yourself and continue the no contact. I know it's hard, but it's the only way to move forward. He's jut not giving you enough. Work through that while you're NOT contacting him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 3:24pm

You are right about the selfish jerk part. That was the exact sentiment of my best guy friend regarding the situation.

It got worse last night. I guess he thought by me going to lunch that I also wanted him to call me in the middle of the night. So, last night because he knew I was going out I guess, he called at around 7:30 and left some cute flirtatious message kind of joking about something we talked about when we were dating. Then he called twice at 2:30 AM (no messages) and then again at 3:30 AM leaving me a cutesy message asking me to call him back.

Again, I just do not get that at all. I don't know what ever made him think I would be interested in being a booty call. But, I have to admit its really annoying and makes me analyze everything.

But, like you said, and I have read the book over and over again.....if he wanted me back he would show it, not by calling in the middle of the night.

This just sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 4:11pm
Awww sweetie, I"m sorry. I was going to post that I was down that road and desperately wanting the friendship (which was me really wanting more but reaching for anything). We tell ourselves they are such great guys, and easy to talk to and blah blah. IT'S BS ok. OF course there is attraction and chemistry and then they want FWB. All the while you want more, and I went down that road and took the lousy crumbs (and great sex) and cried everyother night that I wasn't with him or found out he was actually "dating" another girl, while calling me in the middle of the night. BUt I see his true colors have already come out, (his initials aren't BLD are they?) just kidding. I feel for you, I know you love him, and he is being completely selfish and unfair to use you. The only reason I can see this now is months and months of being there, staying hurt and literally dieing inside. No contact, acceptance that he doesn't want 'more' and time. And don't wait till you move, because that won't cure you. You will grow fonder and find away to him. I'm so sorry, hugs to you. I was there, and I'm still sad about it, but I can know he isn't the only one that I will ever love. Patience, and healing your heart, please stay away from him!! again, hugs to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:01pm
I'm completley confusing myself now. I mean he did call 4 times last night, once at 7:30 when he couldn't have been drinking yet. And then 3 more times later. Now, I'm dying to know what he wanted. What if he does want to get back together and I'm not responding. Should I ask him what he was calling about???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 10:29pm

Stop. Just stop. It's so easy to turture yourself like this...wondering what he's doing, who he's seeing, does he miss you, does he still like you, why is he calling--does he want to get back to together with you...blah blah blah. Just. Stop.

He broke up with you. That says that, no matter how much he likes you, enjoys your company etc., he doesn't want "that one special thing" with you.

Now, if he does want to get back together with you, trust me, he'll do more than just call you randomly and not leave a message. He's messing with your head. Don't let him. Block his # if you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 8:13am

Hi linds, how are you today? I read your post about the phone calls... and I remember my ex doing that too. He called me one nite and mentioned he was at a party and going out later, and that I should go... well I was so excited but cautious so I said maybe so and didn't show up. But did go to the local hangout later that night and ran into him. I was with a good guy friend of mine there and my ex kept texting me and trying to get me to answer my phone. Then later that night he was really drunk insisting I should drop that guy and be with him and blah blah. I didn't and went home like I should have and the calls came in the next day. Because I wouldn't give in he came after me.... BUT after 2 days of seeing him again and hanging out and phone calls, he becomes distant again. Its all a game. Not answering the phone makes them wonder, so they keep trying. On into the night with drinking it gets worse and they really want to know why you haven't answered. When they don't have a girlfriend, they will call, because you are fun and fun-loving. They have no committment though! And they've laid the ground rules that you are broken up, and any flirting and contact after that is fair game. Then there you are, with your heart wide open, loving every minute of it, thinking they are in it with their heart, and usually not. The second they get interested in another girl, you are out, and the new girl is in. I'm so sorry sweetie, I had the same things happen to me. I wanted him so much, that I even knew how to play the game. I could get him to want me, (have wild sex, or go home with me). I could get him that way but never his heart. I couldn't secure a relationship or even a real date. I can't say your guy hasn't changed his mind or realized how cool and great you are, but thats what we keep hoping, and I know it didn't change anything. Matter of fact I could still be sleeping with mine right now if I really tried, but it was so hurtful to realize afterwards how pathetic I became. How I thrived off of a phone call, or late nite booty call. Please be carefull, because this is your heart, and he's not looking out for it.

As for wanting to just be his friend (which is where I started too, and then the booty just happened and then kept happening) it is a hard path to take still having feelings. He obviously is still attracted to you too, so it is inevitable that the heat will come up. I would tell myself that I just care so much and could just be his friend, but I tended to overanalyze every comment and phone call to death. When they test the water and flirt alittle you take it and run with it, and then you realize you are running by yourself that he has moved on. And you "the friend" will then have to hear about it. Its too hard. Why would you want to do that? I promise when you get passed this slump, that it will look differently. You won't have this burning urge to be a part of his life. You'll actually start to get mad that after all this time, when you realize how little they really thought of you. Broken hearts just suck! You will be ok, and without him. Let us know how you are!! Big hug to you