Can men really LOVE anyone?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Can men really LOVE anyone?!?
10
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 10:17am
If you ever get a good answer about why men seem to move on as though we never existed please let me know. I am out of a four year relationship (lived together for 3). After a month or so he is "smitten" with some girl he barely knows! How can he just turn off his feelings for me? Especially when I am sitting here obsessing over him. My theory is that men stay in relationships to long, and that by the time it ends they have been anticipating the break-up longer and maybe thats why they move on faster. Maybe there way of getting over things is to fill the void, although I don't really feel as if I left a void, since that would require that he actually have FEELINGS!!! Anyway, we tried to maintain a friendship, but it was too painful for me so I told him last night that we need to not have any contact for at least 3 months. I think I may have actually seen a tear from him, but maybe it was wishful thinking. Only emails to arrange pick-ups and drop offs of our 2 dogs. The most frustrating thing is that I know that I could never get back together with him. He has major drinking and gambling problems, and most inportant I don't think that I could ever trust him again. I don't understand why I feel so devastated. I miss him so much. Everytime something happens good or bad he is the first person that I want to talk to. He was my best friend. This is my first day of no contact. I have a feeling things will get worse before they get better, which is hard to imagine because the month since the break-up has been the most painful of my life. I have not been able to enjoy anything. I do all the things that I am supposed to, but nothing feels right.

If you really truly love someone, how can you just stop loving them? Where do those feeling go?

My biggest fear is that I'll never be able to trust someone again, and that I'll never stop hurting from this. Any words of wisdom? How can I really get over this?

Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:22pm
I think men move on alot faster than women because they are more logical. They have stronger minds than we do. Even if they are hurting, I think men brush their feelings aside. From my experience, they seem to allow themselves to get angry more than hurt. Perhaps it's easier for them to deal with anger, who knows?! Women on the other hand, allow themselves to grieve. We cry, and then we cry some more, and then we cry even more after that. But I think that allows us to heal alot better in the long run. They also seem to move on faster because it's really the only thing they can do to fill the void. Guys I've dated have told me that there's no better cure for the last breakup than to find a replacement. The last guy I dated (and absolutley adored) broke up with me to go back to his ex-fiance. In conversations we had in the past, it seemed as if he always just went from one relationship to another.

You will definitely experience alot of ups and downs as you establish no contact. It's been slightly over a month since my break up and there are good days and there are horrible days. I don't think you stop caring about the person. The feelings don't just go away. I think the feelings just change. The way I've dealt with my situation is to tell myself that I can care for him in a different way, as a friend. There was nothing wrong with the way he treated me at all - he just didn't realize he hadn't gotten over his ex-fiance even though he seemed like he did from the way he talked to me about her. It hurts me alot to think that he should have been a little more honest about it, but there is no point for me to dwell on something that I cannot control. The only thing I can control at the moment is the way I feel .. although that's easier said than done. I'm hoping that time will help me change the way I feel about him, to care for him differently.

It will be difficult to trust someone again. And I think that's what's key about getting over a break up - to learn from your failed relationship, learn to see the signs, learn what to look out for and not repeat the same mistakes again. It's difficult to figure out what you need to learn from your break up at this point. I think you should first concentrate on making yourself feel better and when you're ready, you'll realize what you need to learn. There will come a day when the light bulb comes on in your head and it will all make sense. Well .. that's what I'm telling myself. Along the way, there'll still be alot of crying and anger, but do know that alot of us are going through the same thing and we're here to listen and offer our support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 2:01pm
It sounds to me like you are still IN love with him. It is possible to love someone and have feelings for them but not actually be IN love with them. I know because that is how I feel about my ex. I just left him 6 days ago. We were together for 6 and a half years. It's a long story about why I left him (you can read my board called "need some support and opinions please"). I really think that if you are still having such deep feelings about him that you should really break off all contact for a few months. You have to learn how to live without having him in your life before you can live with him in your life (if that made any sense). Best advice that I have is to stay busy, go out with friends, work overtime, take a self defense class, SOMETHING to keep you from sitting at home. It helps. Take everything that reminds you of him, put it in a box, and hide it somewhere so you won't have to look at it everyday. Think of every bad thing that he has ever done to you. Once you get over him you can think about the good times. Remind yourself all of the life lessons that you have learned from being in that relationship and what you can do to make your next relationship work. I hope that any of that helps. Stay strong and good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:56pm
Hey-it's jenbez, I just got your response to the message I posted earlier. Thanks so much for the advice. I appreciate it! How do I get into contact w/ Alanon. Is it for both me and him?

I take it the guy you were talking about is the same one you recently ended a 4yr relationship w/? Did you break up w/ him because of him drinking so much or for different reasons? I'm wondering if this relationship is the one you were talking about to me.

I can't believe he is "smitten" as you said over some other girl he barely knows! That'd make me sick! Does he call you at all or try texting you-any tries to get you back?

I definitely agree that many men move on quickly. I've read numerous things on how men & women differ immensely, especially when it comes to dealing with emotions. Women are biologically made to be over-emotional wereas men aren't.

How do you know he's interested in another girl? Is it over the internet? Probably just trying to make you jealous! If he really loved you-no one would compare to you.

You mentioned you can never get back w/ him? Is that cuz of the same situation w/ me (alcohol problems) or other things.

I know how you feel w/ never being able to trust someone again and the feeling you'll never stop hurting. I feel the exact same way! I don't know what I will do w/ my x. This has been the longest I haven't verbally spoken to him or seen him. I am so miserable and can't enjoy anything. I do try to keep busy and you should to. You know what might help (might sound silly) but write down all of the negative things about your x. Try avoiding thinking about all the stuff you loved about him. LOL-seriously think of everything you dislike about him. I do know going out & meeting new people will help ease the pain. I wouldn't go looking for love-lay low and it'll come to you. Take time for yourself. I don't know about you but when I go shopping I feel so much better! Go shopping girl! Spend some g's! LOL.

Well post me back a message-why are you guys broke up cuz the drinkin or another girl? Did you say he's in college? My isn't he has a full time job. That makes it worse cuz he's not even in the "party scene" and yet yearns it. He has is life situated & is risking to screw it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:37pm
This might help you to feel better. I know that it makes me feel better.

I am currently taking a sociology class on Family and Marriages. We also discuss relationships. The truth is, it is a common misconception that men get over relationships faster. It has actually been scientifically PROVEN that men actually take LONGER to get over relationships. Reason being:

**Women talk and talk and talk and repeat themselves to their friends until everything has been said. Everything has been analyzed 100x over and this is what helps people to move on.

Men do not talk to their friends about it. It is too private, so they marinate on the relationship alone. Feelings DO NOT go away over night.

The reason people think that men get over things faster is because they respond to breakups differently. Whereas women will take time to be reclusive, cry and talk about how miserabe they are, men think that they should go out and party with their friends, sleep with the first willing person to prove to themselves that they still have it. It's new and exciting at the time, but you can be sure that in a month, the novelty will wear off.

Don't feel that he doesn't care. He most certainly does, but men and women have different ways of responding to breakups. Just like we are different in everything else, this is yet another thing we differ on. Hope this helps! Keep your head up.

~Lindsay~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 1:16am
Your comments were quite interesting, and rang alot of truth. You really made smile, because I'm sitting here at home tonight sad, and thinking to myself, my ex doesn't even care and he's probably with another female having fun, and not thinking of me, but your words brought some sunshine into eyes, because he probably does care, and doesn't know how to deal with our break up. I don't know, but thank you, you made me see things differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 3:28pm
Hey-happy halloween! Just wanted to say a quick hi and see how things were going w/ you. Hopefully your feeling better. I got back w/ my b.f. A while ago I got him a book called "If he only knew." Its for guys who often mistreat their wife/g.f. There are many significant things entailed in this book. If you look on the internet-the name of the book-many men wrote in on how reading the book changed their life. I babysit-and the father of the children told me about it. He and his wife fought for several years and he said this book really made him realize a lot.

Surprisingly my b.f. read it and I really feel for the first time he sees where I'm coming from. I don't know if you are talking to your x. You never really got back to me on why ya's broke up. If you still are in love w/ him & know he loves you-I highly recommend you get this book for your x to read. (Borders has it)

I hope everything is going well for you! Get back to me. If you want to keep in touch you can email me whenever you need advice or just wanna talk> sarbh19@hotmail.com

Hope to hear from you

Happy Halloween!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:10pm
I can totally relate to your situation. I was in a very serious relationship for 3 years and he was the only person i had ever been with and we planned on marrying and spending the rest of our life together. out of the blue he decided he was a new person and wanted to go out more and have fun with his friends, little did i know that he had really met someone else. after 3 years of sharing our future hopes and dreams he broke up with me and began dating her immediately. i was obviously devasted not only by my loss but by the way he moved on so quickly. did i ever mean anything to him? i know the questions that are flying through your head because they are flying through mine too. it has been one year this month since the breakup and unfortunately i feel my questions will never be answered. i will never understand how you can love someone, or say you do, and then just don't anymore. i really dont have much advise for you but i just want you to know that you are not the only one feeling this way. just some good news, things do get better with time and you begin to heal and feel yourself again, but i fear for myself that these questions will remain with me forver. if you find any answers let me know, good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2004
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 7:46am
OK ---- so why do I still live in the dark ages feeling like my ex is out painting the town red? Maybe because he threatened to? I still think he's going to be searching for the next "victory" tonight. We broke up last night.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 6:37am
and if anything...

Well I hav to speak only for me n my friendz so I can tell u that its a "lil" (just) difficult for a man to fall in love cos basically, girls are anything but emotionally reliable.

AND well, there r friends, sports etctetc so theres a whole big world out there and (gasp!) a girl's love isnt necessarily such a BIG deal for one-self. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:26pm
Notice what you said, he has a drinking and a gambling problem. Look at all the things you no longer have to deal with. My best advice is to do exactly as you are doing. Since, you know you can't have contact with him because that is your weakness, don't. I totally agree. I had to do the same, changed my e-mail address and phone numbers. It really helped a lot because for some reason they like to interfere while you are healing. The thing is I don't think they look at it as interfering. They have convinced themselves that they are checking up on us to see how we are doing. In reality, if they cared, they would use a little common sense and stop doing the things they do to hurt us. Nevertheless, put yourself first. You will always love him and miss him and that's okay. The key is doing these things in acceptance of being without him. Everything else will take time but before you know it, it will all fall in place. Then, you will tell yourself, "I can't believe I went through all that over him." You will begin to see, he wasn't worthy of you anyway, girl. I only speak from experience. I wish you well.