Can we be "just friends"?
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Can we be "just friends"?
| Sat, 11-20-2004 - 6:32pm |
I dated a guy for a couple of months and some things didn't work out so I broke up with him. I never stopped having feelings for him, just some things went wrong (but that's a different story). Well, we didn't talk for about 2 weeks and then he all of a sudden called me (which I didn't think he would) and wanted to go on a date sometime, and see if I would give him another chance. I told him I didn't know (that I had to think about it), and agreed that we could be friends, talk on the phone, occasionally hang out, etc. He agreed that was fine....so for a LONG time first we are going to be "just friends" and get to know each other better. My question is: how do you be friends with someone you have already dated romantically? ESPECIALLY someone you had a lot of feelings for. I really do want to be friends with him, and eventually possibly be more, but how do you do it without "wondering if he's dating other girls (even though he has the right to) and it bothering me"?? I'm sure it would just be easier to just not have him in my life at all, but I really think we could have something good as long as we build a solid friendship first and really get to know each other. But how do you do it without it driving you crazy? And how do you do it without being tempted to just start dating again? PLEASE, any suggestions would be great! Thanks!

If you still have feelings or hope he will change his mind and want a romantic relationship again, it may not be possible.... but here's an article that has some good tips.
Can exes be friends?
By Analise Pendergast
Wouldn't life be a little sweeter if we could all just get along? But when it comes to exes, bad blood too often taints the mix.
The weird thing is, theoretically, you used to think this guy was the bomb! Even if you don't exactly miss being his significant other, maybe you do miss his hilarious sense of humor, his lasagna and the ways he really "gets" you as a person. Okay, so the party's over, but does that mean you drop out of each other's lives forever?
Transitioning from breakup to buddies is a tall order. Even with the best of intentions, it's not always possible to bury the baggage and make a fresh start as friends. But if you're both up for the challenge, the rewards can be great.
If you and your ex want to stay friends, make sure that you:
Give it time. Changes of this magnitude doesn't happen overnight. After a split, there will inevitably be issues to resolve, lives to reconfigure, feet to be gotten back on. It may take a couple of years or more before relating in a whole new way is really workable.
Disconnect old buttons. Didn't it drive you nuts, the way he always left his dirty socks on the floor? Know what? It's not your problem anymore. Detach from old judgments and irritations that bedeviled your former days as a couple. Remember the bigger-picture stuff you really like about him, and let the picky stuff go.
Dredge for grudges. If grudges lay buried in your inner underground, employ grudge-removal techniques forthwith. Whether your style is to sort it out in a journal, with a therapist or by beating hand drums and burning sage, do your homework and work it through. You can't expect to have an honest friendship until you harbor no hard feelings.
Clarify boundaries. Are you absolutely sure you're ready to be friends, and just friends? Is a little tiny part of you secretly yearning to re-spark the old flame, or have a roll in the hay for old times' sake? If so, stop right there. It's not yet time to pursue a platonic friendship if romantic intentions still reside within either of you. Wish each other well, and proceed with establishing your own separate lives for now.
Jettison jealousy. Nobody's expecting you to love the one your ex is with now, but do respect their relationship and be cordial, at least. Still, a little jealousy can be a natural reaction, turning that hip dinner for four suddenly unappetizingly cold and crusty. Suck it up and be nice. Besides, she's the one who gets to deal with that nasty sock habit now.
Offer the olive branch. Accompany it with a slice of humble pie. Forgive yourself, and him, for blunders and bygones. It's a delicate operation, but with wisdom, patience, and care, you can welcome this man you once held most dear, back into your inner circle. Like the old campfire song says, "Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."
Carrie
My b/f and I have only been dating approx. six months and I was very ambivalent about getting serious with anyone. I broke up with a guy who gave me a ring last year and even though I have dated it was hard to put that hurt behind me. My ex-b/f cheated on me and another woman and out of something bad came something good. We became friends (her and I) not close but realized he had played us both.
Luckily I listened to my head while my heart cried and walked away and never looked back. My new b/f is awesome. We have had some rough times but if it is worth it you have to work at it. Both of us have been hurt and know firsthand how it feels and have made a commitment to be open and honest with one another.
Give it some time, you are vulnerable right now and who knows, it might happen if it is meant to be.
Good-Luck!
nightangel