can we still be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
can we still be friends?
9
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:11pm
well, i have never done this before. my story is this... i have been with my now ex for five years. we got together in high school when we were 17. we have lived together for 3 of those years. we just (3 weeks ago) moved into a house together. well two days ago he tells me that we need to break up. i was in complete shock, literally. he has never dated anyone before me. we lost our virginity to eachother. he is my best friend. however, he feels that before he can marry, he needs to experince being single. he has assured me that it is not to go get into another relationship or to have sex with other girls, it is just that he needs to do this to be independent. he moved from him parents house into my apartment, and then we moved into a house. so he has never had the chance to be independent. i understand this as hard as it is. and i am still crushed beyond help. i haven't eaten in 48 hours, and it is consuming my mind. the whole "what if's" keep running through my head. i was a very jealous girlfriend i'll admit. he never did anything to lose my trust but he always seems to make friends easier with females. so naturally i get upset. i feel like it would somehow have been different had i given him more space and freedom. but i know that harping on that stuff won't change anything or make me feel any better. he wants to remain close friends and i would love that too if he didn't start dating for a while. the real damper in this whole situation is that we moved into a house together, and he thinks it will work for us to be living in the same house. i think this will only make my healing drag on. but i am in no shape financially to move into my own place. so i feel like i am stuck. he is still calling me like nothing has changed which makes it harder. i am just hoping that he will change his mind, but i know that wouldn't be fair to himself. so since this is my first real break up and i am feeling so out of sorts, i would just like some advice or a friend to talk to. i feel very rejected, lonely, extremely hurt, and i am scared of being single after having someone for so long. will men find me attractive? will i be able to find someone i love as much as him? will anyone measure up to him? I LOVE HIM and that interferes with my emotions in a big way. our relationship was perfect except for things growing very routine. so had he done something to me to make me hate him, i think this would be easier. but i just want to much to wake up from this bad dream. someone please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:29pm
I was sad to read your story. I know how you feel, I am still trying to heal myself. But I think the MOST IMPORTANT thing you must do for yourself right now is either move out or make him move out. Living in the same house with him is going to be miserable. It is bad enough to be feeling lonely; imagine feeling lonely with him right there in the house! Get roommates, move in with friends temporarily, or find a small apartment you can afford, but please -- move out! It will help your healing process immensely...my ex is in the building next door to mine and it is making me miserable...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 8:37am

I think that if you and your ex can date other people and come to the decision that you want each other, it would make your relationship stronger than it's ever been. I've known a couple of people who started dating young and married that person and lived happily ever after (so far) but I've known a WHOLE LOT more who did the same thing and it didn't work out. At some point in your life, you will wonder what you missed out on. I know that's hard to believe now and you probably think your ex is the only one for you, but could it hurt to try dating a couple of other people and see for sure that he's the one you want? The most important thing right now is what YOU want, not what you want him to be doing or thinking. And emotionally, it would be best for you or him to move out and move in with a friend or family member for a while, and stop communicating while you're dating. The thing most people would do would be to stay in the house, be driven absolutely crazy by all the women parading through their man's life, and waste another year or so hoping he'll change his mind. You will never be able to move forward that way...

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:09am

I'm currently in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me, but he still wants me as a best friend. And I tried that for a few weeks. After a while I realized that he didn't want me as a friend, so much as he wanted me to be a friend to him. I was getting nothing but hurt out of it, and he was doing nothing as a friend to make my life better. So, after explaining this to him, I cut off all contact (this is where it would really help for you to move out). He keeps calling, sending emails, claiming that he misses his "friend". Basically, he's being selfish and focusing only on what he wants. And, really, think about it. Your ex wants to be "friends" so he can have you in his back pocket in case he doesn't find something better. You have become the safety girl. And the second he finds something else, do you really think he's going to spare a lot of time for his "friend"? Do you think the new girl will be happy about him spending a lot of time with his ex? Just a few things to consider. I know it's hard to cut off contact, because you're losing your best friend too. But trust me, once you stop rubbing salt into the wound, the healing process goes so much faster.

Hang in there, sunshine is ahead.

Mel
"Sometimse a few bumps are better than a rut"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:19pm
thank you for your advice. however, i don't feel ready to cut off all contact with him. i am pretty sure when the time comes, i'll know. i know that i am going to eventually move out and move on, but it is going to be a little while before i can do that. i really wish i knew if we were destined to be together forever. and i feel that by cutting him off completely i will never know. this was the man i was planning to spend the rest of my life with, and now i am all flipped upside down. but since last night, i have begun to think very positivly about being single for the first time. i am still hurting, but i am realizing that time is going to heal my broken heart. every day is a little better. today is day 3 and i feel a lot better. so we'll see what happens, no one can tell the future, you just have to live. thanks again. - tara
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:24pm
thank you for the advice. i really wish i could say that we will end up happily ever after, but only time can tell. today is day 3 since the break up and i am feeling a lot better. i know that in a month i will feel a whole lot better. i know eventually i am going to move out into my own apartment, but for now, i am just going to ride this crazy roller coaster. the only part that is going to really hurt, is when i see him with another girl. my heart will probably just fall out. but while living together, we have made the rule that he can't bring girls over, and i won't bring men over. so with that rule, maybe we can deal with this, or maybe not. time heals all wounds. thanks again.
- tara
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:30pm
i think within the next month, i will begin looking for my own place. i just started a new job and i don't get paid for a little while. so i am going to try and tough it out. i feel a lot more optimistic about the whole being single thing. i don't want another relationship for a long time, but that doesn't mean i can't go out dancing with someone. he never liked dancing, so this is my time to focus on what i like to do. after i told him that i was starting to see this from a different perspective, he starts telling me that he is so confused, and that he is starting to feel bad about this whole thing. go figure. no matter how bad i want to still be with him, i want to make sure this single thing last for a while, just so he can see that there really isn't anything that great out there. he will find out that what he had wasn't so bad. and if we survived this whole thing and decide that we want to be together, then that was meant to be. thanks for your advice. in time it will happen. -Tara
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 5:34pm
my ex is a very honest person, and i know he truely sees me as his best friend. he treats me so much better than i treated him in some ways. the only problem i see in the future, is the whole thing with our potential "dates" being ok with the fact that we are still friends and living together. i know that if i met a guy that was still that close with his ex, i wouldn't be ok with it. so that is why i feel that within a month or so, i will try to get into my own place. thank you so much for the advice. it really helps to talk with someone that is in my shoes. i am feeling a lot better today and i hope tomorrow will be even better. -tara
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2006
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 8:28pm

You know, I had a similar situation with one of my ex-boyfriends.

I was still living with my mom at the time, but living at home was so terrible for me that I decided to move out - I was over 21, and had a decently paying job where if need be I could afford it on my own. I was going to get the apartment with my boyfriend at the time Now...Just a week or two before I was set to move into my apartment, I broke up with that boyfriend. Why? I realized what a looser he was. He was basically living off of me - he wouldn't find another job and I realized that he wouldn't pay for his half of the rent.

Unfortunetly, I still let him live with me for quite a long time, although it wasn't supposed to have been that long, and there WERE months where he didn't pay his full half of the rent. I really shouldn't have let him take advantage of me like that -- then again I should have just listened to my mom about keeping my room clean, and I wouldn't even be in this situation :P Other than my mom's constant yelling at me to keep my (very messy) room clean, we had a great mother-daughter relationship.

I lived with that guy, as ex-bf/ex-gf, for about a year and a half. That's a long time! And a few months after moving into that apartment, I started seeing a new guy, and that turned into a long relationship, and he grew increasingly agitated that I lived with an Ex-bf. It really was a nightmare. He brought home girls to have sex with in MY apartment when I was away on work trips (I work onboard Amtrak trains, so I'm gone six days at a time), but I couldn't bring anyone home when I was home, because he was always there, too. Also, twice I overdrank too much and ended up having sex with my ex. That's something I NEVER told the boyfriend, at that time. I was too embarassed! It's what also made me stop drinking alcohol all together.

My advice is to get out of that apartment ASAP. Also, I'm not moving in with ANYONE again! *laughs* NOT until I am supposed to be getting married. I can't handle living with boyfriends anymore. It's terrible when you break up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 9:44am

I think the problem for a lot of us is that we read too many fairy tales as children. All this "mean to be" and destiny and happily ever after stuff... Real relationships take work and they go through ups and downs and they don't always end happily ever after. There's not one person we're destined to be with, but different people come into our lives at different points to teach us different things. Sometimes they're here just for a brief stay to enrich our future relationships or make us stronger and sometimes they're here to be our companions for a while, to be there for us. If you do end up together, think of all these people you meet during this time as people who will enrich your future relationship with him. But what if you meet the man you end up marrying during this process? Won't you be forever thankful to your boyfriend for taking this time to make sure?

Steph