can we still be friends?
Find a Conversation
can we still be friends?
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 11:11pm |
well, i have never done this before. my story is this... i have been with my now ex for five years. we got together in high school when we were 17. we have lived together for 3 of those years. we just (3 weeks ago) moved into a house together. well two days ago he tells me that we need to break up. i was in complete shock, literally. he has never dated anyone before me. we lost our virginity to eachother. he is my best friend. however, he feels that before he can marry, he needs to experince being single. he has assured me that it is not to go get into another relationship or to have sex with other girls, it is just that he needs to do this to be independent. he moved from him parents house into my apartment, and then we moved into a house. so he has never had the chance to be independent. i understand this as hard as it is. and i am still crushed beyond help. i haven't eaten in 48 hours, and it is consuming my mind. the whole "what if's" keep running through my head. i was a very jealous girlfriend i'll admit. he never did anything to lose my trust but he always seems to make friends easier with females. so naturally i get upset. i feel like it would somehow have been different had i given him more space and freedom. but i know that harping on that stuff won't change anything or make me feel any better. he wants to remain close friends and i would love that too if he didn't start dating for a while. the real damper in this whole situation is that we moved into a house together, and he thinks it will work for us to be living in the same house. i think this will only make my healing drag on. but i am in no shape financially to move into my own place. so i feel like i am stuck. he is still calling me like nothing has changed which makes it harder. i am just hoping that he will change his mind, but i know that wouldn't be fair to himself. so since this is my first real break up and i am feeling so out of sorts, i would just like some advice or a friend to talk to. i feel very rejected, lonely, extremely hurt, and i am scared of being single after having someone for so long. will men find me attractive? will i be able to find someone i love as much as him? will anyone measure up to him? I LOVE HIM and that interferes with my emotions in a big way. our relationship was perfect except for things growing very routine. so had he done something to me to make me hate him, i think this would be easier. but i just want to much to wake up from this bad dream. someone please help.

I think that if you and your ex can date other people and come to the decision that you want each other, it would make your relationship stronger than it's ever been. I've known a couple of people who started dating young and married that person and lived happily ever after (so far) but I've known a WHOLE LOT more who did the same thing and it didn't work out. At some point in your life, you will wonder what you missed out on. I know that's hard to believe now and you probably think your ex is the only one for you, but could it hurt to try dating a couple of other people and see for sure that he's the one you want? The most important thing right now is what YOU want, not what you want him to be doing or thinking. And emotionally, it would be best for you or him to move out and move in with a friend or family member for a while, and stop communicating while you're dating. The thing most people would do would be to stay in the house, be driven absolutely crazy by all the women parading through their man's life, and waste another year or so hoping he'll change his mind. You will never be able to move forward that way...
Steph
I'm currently in a similar situation. My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me, but he still wants me as a best friend. And I tried that for a few weeks. After a while I realized that he didn't want me as a friend, so much as he wanted me to be a friend to him. I was getting nothing but hurt out of it, and he was doing nothing as a friend to make my life better. So, after explaining this to him, I cut off all contact (this is where it would really help for you to move out). He keeps calling, sending emails, claiming that he misses his "friend". Basically, he's being selfish and focusing only on what he wants. And, really, think about it. Your ex wants to be "friends" so he can have you in his back pocket in case he doesn't find something better. You have become the safety girl. And the second he finds something else, do you really think he's going to spare a lot of time for his "friend"? Do you think the new girl will be happy about him spending a lot of time with his ex? Just a few things to consider. I know it's hard to cut off contact, because you're losing your best friend too. But trust me, once you stop rubbing salt into the wound, the healing process goes so much faster.
Hang in there, sunshine is ahead.
Mel
"Sometimse a few bumps are better than a rut"
- tara
You know, I had a similar situation with one of my ex-boyfriends.
I was still living with my mom at the time, but living at home was so terrible for me that I decided to move out - I was over 21, and had a decently paying job where if need be I could afford it on my own. I was going to get the apartment with my boyfriend at the time Now...Just a week or two before I was set to move into my apartment, I broke up with that boyfriend. Why? I realized what a looser he was. He was basically living off of me - he wouldn't find another job and I realized that he wouldn't pay for his half of the rent.
Unfortunetly, I still let him live with me for quite a long time, although it wasn't supposed to have been that long, and there WERE months where he didn't pay his full half of the rent. I really shouldn't have let him take advantage of me like that -- then again I should have just listened to my mom about keeping my room clean, and I wouldn't even be in this situation :P Other than my mom's constant yelling at me to keep my (very messy) room clean, we had a great mother-daughter relationship.
I lived with that guy, as ex-bf/ex-gf, for about a year and a half. That's a long time! And a few months after moving into that apartment, I started seeing a new guy, and that turned into a long relationship, and he grew increasingly agitated that I lived with an Ex-bf. It really was a nightmare. He brought home girls to have sex with in MY apartment when I was away on work trips (I work onboard Amtrak trains, so I'm gone six days at a time), but I couldn't bring anyone home when I was home, because he was always there, too. Also, twice I overdrank too much and ended up having sex with my ex. That's something I NEVER told the boyfriend, at that time. I was too embarassed! It's what also made me stop drinking alcohol all together.
My advice is to get out of that apartment ASAP. Also, I'm not moving in with ANYONE again! *laughs* NOT until I am supposed to be getting married. I can't handle living with boyfriends anymore. It's terrible when you break up.
I think the problem for a lot of us is that we read too many fairy tales as children. All this "mean to be" and destiny and happily ever after stuff... Real relationships take work and they go through ups and downs and they don't always end happily ever after. There's not one person we're destined to be with, but different people come into our lives at different points to teach us different things. Sometimes they're here just for a brief stay to enrich our future relationships or make us stronger and sometimes they're here to be our companions for a while, to be there for us. If you do end up together, think of all these people you meet during this time as people who will enrich your future relationship with him. But what if you meet the man you end up marrying during this process? Won't you be forever thankful to your boyfriend for taking this time to make sure?
Steph