Can You Still Be Friends?
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| Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:38pm |
I am a 32 year old who was in a serious relationship for 13 years. We broke up about a year and half ago but were running a company together until the beginging of September. We now see each other regularlly...at the gym and drinks once a week. He is dating other woman and I have a boyfriend who I have fallen in love with but has not said it back (its been 8 months 4 of those exclusive). The current boyfriend does not believe ex's can be friends but while i was working with my ex he never placed any pressure on me about the situation. Now he says it should be over. Part of me agrees with him. I even told my ex we could no longer see each other as friends but then I found it hurt too much not to see my ex. Am I crazy...can we be friends..sometimes I find that I think I want my ex back...help I am so confused...did I never really deal with the full extent of the orginal break up ? Any thoughts or advice would be helpful. - N

I am EXTREMELY good friends with one of my ex's - the one I was with the longest (5 years!) Him and I talk every day - if not - every other day. We hang out maybe once a week for lunch - sometimes once every two weeks or so. I live with my current boyfriend and I am VERY happy and in love with him. My ex has his share of girls in his life - good times and bad times. So, in that way, I feel ex's CAN still be friends - so long as all the feelings are exhausted.
Now, I can say that when my boyfriend and I argue, and I am telling my ex about it (him and I always vent to one another about our s/o's), I sometimes wonder "what would it have been like if we just stayed together" - BUT I remind myself that someone is always your ex for a reason! My ex has been there for me through quite a few broken hearts and life changing experiences, and vice versa, but our relationship has always been kept platonic. We have been broken up for a good 9 or 10 years now, so maybe that has something to do with it?
My ex and I have gone through spurts where his girlfriend would be jealous of me and he cut contact off with me completely, but we always find our way back to being friends. I am completely honest with everyone I date and never hesitate to bring up my friendship with my ex. I think if you can bring up the friendship and not hesitate about doing so, it speaks volumes about your decision on being friends!
You have to dig deep down and TRULY ask yourself if all your feelings are exhausted, and if your current boyfriend and you do not last, can you still continue on with a platonic relationship with your ex (meaning not trying to get back together with him because you are lonley or because it is comfortable)? IF you can, then I think you are healthy enough TO remain in a friendship with your ex!
It only becomes a problem if and when there are still feelings involved deep down. So just take a step back and ask yourself if there are feelings there - real true feelings - and then make your decision based upon that.
In most cases I would say it is not a good idea to remain friends with an ex, but there are some exceptions to every rule and all circumstances are different, so the only person that will TRULY know if it is okay to do so, will be you! :)
Best of luck!!! :)