Can't Break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Can't Break up
6
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:47pm

One of my guy friends has been going out with this one girl for about a year and a half. At first it was true love, he thought she was "the one". After a while he started to not like her as much.

All of us (his friends), including his family never liked her because she treats him pretty badly. Very jealous of any girl he talks to, won't let him hang out with any of us unless she's there (he does it anyways, just lies to her about where he is).

Everytime she makes a fuss about something he always says ok then, let's break up. He tells us all the time he doesn't want to be with her, but he says he's been with her for so long and when he breaks up with her she cries and freaks out, calls his house every 5 minutes until he answers and begs him to take her back. She will do that for days/weeks. As long as it takes until he gives in to her and takes her back.

He always says he wants to break up with her, but just can't. we've all had this talk so many times now it's crazy. we all just tell him to do it and then ignore her even though she calls all the time. But he says he can't, that he's been with her for a long time and that he still cares about her even though he doesn't want to be with her and he can't stand to see her hurt like that.

What could he do to make her understand that he just doesn't want to be with her and make her understand to just leave him alone?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:07pm

LIKE YOU MENTION "HE CAN'T" COZ HIS STILL CARE ABOUT HER!!! I HAVE A GUY FRIEND SAME STORY LIKE YOURS (OR I'M ASSUMING WERE TALKING ABOUT SAME PERSON)....HIS ALWAYSSS HAVING PROBLEM WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND, HIS KEEPING COMPLAINING ABOUT HER BLAH BLAH BLAH... BUT YET THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER!!! GUYS ARE LIAR THEY DONT WONT TO ADMIT THEIR REAL FEELING....LIKE WHAT I RECOGNIZED GUYS ARE ST...PID....THEY LIKE THAT!!! THEY RATHER STAY WITH BAD ONE'S THAN GOOD ONE'S...IF YOU TREAT THEM ALL NICE THE MORE THEY LIVE YOU AND I GUESS IF YOU TREAT THEM BAD....GOSH THEIR BE THERE FOREVER!!!!

THEY LIKE CHALLEGING RELATIONSHIP THAN A BORING ONE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:38pm

Unfortunately, as his friend, I don't think there is anything that you can really do about this girl to make her understand.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:38am

I totally understand what you're saying and I know I should be this supportive friend who encourages him through this, but then I'm over at his house and she calls over there then yells (I can hear her screaming while sitting beside him) at him for like 20 minutes because he let the phone ring too long before he picked up so he must be with someone else or he gets all panicked (I can literally see the panick look in his face) because one of his family members are on the phone for too long and he's scared that she might call and they won't answer the beep (It has happened before) and then she will yell at him, once again, for another 20 minutes..

It's probably getting really annoying for him too because one minute i'll be all supportive and tell him i'm going to stick with him through this, that i love him no matter who he's with and that i won't abandon him.. and then another one of those "incidents" happen and I get so upset sometimes i even consider not talking to him anymore while he's with her.. I just hate seeing him being treated like this!

When I tell him that, he just tells me to try to imagine being in his situation.. Loving someone so much and then them acting like that.. I keep saying that I have way too much respect for myself to let anyone treat me like that, but he keeps arguing that I don't know because I've never been in the situation.. which he's right about that, but I still think i would never let anyone treat me like that no matter how much I loved them.. He has broken up with her in the 1.5 years he's been with her, about 10 times i'm sure.. He keeps telling me he tries but when he actually does it, he can't and then takes her back..

It's just so frustrating! He is the one person I love most in this entire world (Except my mom) and I'm so scared to lose his friendship over this! It's either he's going to get sick of me being supportive one minute then saying i don't want to talk to him anymore the next or I'm going to have to stop talking to him for a while because i'm going to freak out on that girl pretty soon..

It's pretty much either me or her because she hates me.. If she knows we hang out, it's the end of the world and she'll be crying for days (she thinks something is going on between us).. If he'd be driving her home and i'd meet up with them going towards where he lives (my other friend lives by his house so it did happen a few times), she would make him turn around and go back to his house because she thinks I'm going over to his house when i'm actually going over to my other friend's house.. and when she sees my car at my other friend's house she thinks that i'm just waiting there for her to leave so i can go over so she won't go home if i'm over next door! hahah.. this is just so pathetic..

Anyways.. I'm trying to deal with this the best way I can.. but i don't know what's going to happen really..

Thank you for your reply, it's greatly appreciated..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:45am

Why are you so concerned about his life anyway? Are you yourself romantically interested in him? I know it's hard to watch someone you care about suffer but he needs to quit involving all his friends in his life. If she calls and you're over there, can you leave? I'd just say, I'll see you later, and take my butt home rather than sit there listening to her scream at him for 20 minutes. That is, I would do that if I weren't romantically interested in him and therefore compelled to be involved in it... Maybe I'm fishing in an empty pond here; you just seem a whole lot more concerned about it than a normal "friend" would be. I wouldn't jump through all those hoops for a friend either...if he wouldn't be a man and stand up to his girlfriend and say she just needs to deal with his female friends without being a nutcase about it, I'd drop him. I'm just tired of these men being abused by the women in their lives. Where have all the men with guts gone???

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:24am

I'm not sure why I'm so concerned over his life. There could be a number of reasons I guess.. Being romantically interested myself isn't one of them though.. I was somewhat in one of those situations a while ago myself, except I only stayed with the guy for 4 months.. My friend, I'll call him Bill, talks to me about everything. Everything that bothers him, that he likes, that hurts him, makes him cry, etc. I'm his lean on buddy, whenever they have a fight and he just wants to leave, i'm there for him I guess.. so I kinda hear what everyone else doesn't hear.. A lot of people think that i'm there because i'm romantically interested, but I would do the exact same thing if he was a girl.. (I'm not just saying this either.. Another one of my friends, who is a girl, was having trouble with her boyfriend for a while and I was there when she needed someone to talk to too) Maybe I do get too much involved in my friends lives.. but I would/do jump up anytime any of my friends need me, just like I know they would/do jump up for me when I need them.. Just who I am..

I would leave when she calls, I just live kinda far away from there and I usually stay for a few days when I do go.. so sometimes it's a little complicated to just leave.. Sometimes I do go next door to my other friend's house, but when she's not there I have to stay and listen.. I usually get sick of it and go hang out with his parents while he gets yelled at.. but it still bothers me because those are just stupid reasons to get yelled at and his self-esteem is probably getting crushed over it..

I agree with you, I wish he would just have the guts to stick up for himself.. Maybe it'll come with age, who knows..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 11:22am

Well, he's getting something out of this relationship or he wouldn't put up with it. Maybe he likes the abuse, maybe it provides the challenge he needs. I don't know if you know anything about his past, but it's possible there are issues there that cause him to put up with this sort of punishment. Whatever the case, he's probably not going to do anything about it until he's had enough. All the talking and persuading in the world won't convince him to do it. He has to find the strength within himself to realize he's better and move on. Meanwhile, you have to decide if he's worth all the maneuvering around you have to do to avoid angering her by your presence. Yes, I'd do a lot for my friends, but it's not like he has a drug problem or something else that is going to risk his life. He's just having to deal with a whole lot of drama in his romantic life -- drama he seems to be unable to live without.

Steph