Can't get over him but never my bf

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2008
Can't get over him but never my bf
2
Sat, 03-08-2008 - 11:02pm

Hi,

This is a really long story, but I feel the background is necessary to understand my problem.

So I met this guy while I was in a co-dependent relationship with someone else in September of 2006. I just started grad school. From the first day I fell in love with him, at least I thought it was love, it was likely lust. I actually cried in my car on my way to visit my parents a couple of days after I met him, because I had never felt that way about anyone before. He seemed like a sweetheart, and from the first day I couldn't think about anyone else. He's smart, tall, kind of dorky, and there was just something about him I liked. Who knows why that happens. Unfortunately I was attached and not even in love with the guy I was with. It was an unhealthy relationship I was trying to get out of for years. I don't know why I let it drag on for so long, I broke up with my boyfriend at the time a month after I met this other guy because I was crazy about the new guy. Unfortunately nothing happened and I was too scared to ask him out. By the end of December I got back together with my ex because I was terrified to be alone and I just started grad school, had no friends when I started, and my new friends were all graduating or going on work terms and I didn't find a job, so I was continuing school for another semester and terrified of being alone.

So things kept getting worse with the ex, and I spent every weekend arguing, breaking up, and driving home in the middle of the night crying. I finally ended that relationship in April 2007 on the advice of a friend. I hadn't heard from the new guy since December 2006 at that point. I broke all connections with the ex at the beginning of June 2007 and ended a 7 year unhealthy relationship that left me un-trusting of men. Basically I was a disaster and terrified that I was alone, but knew I needed to take that step. I called in work sick the next day and set up an appointment with a therapist. I didn't think I had a single friend in the world at that point.

The next few months were horrible, I lost a ton of weight, to the point I was not eating because I didn't feel hungry. I started to get chest pains and was forcing myself to eat powerbars. I was a disaster. My couple of friends were like, you look anorexic, which I was, and they would like make me eat hamburgers and fries. I am not kidding. I was really sick. I went from a size 7-8 to a size 2. I tried on some dresses at fcuk one day and size 0 was baggy. At the beginning of August I was probably at the lowest point and went to a mutual friend's birthday party of the new guy, and new guy happened to be there. Needless to say, we were drinking, I drank a little too much, and ended up at his apartment and slept together, which was a huge mistake. I woke up at 5:50 am, he had set his alarm for 6am the night before, got dressed and took off while he was asleep and called a cab from the lobby on my cell. I don't know why I did it, or what I was scared of.

Me, being a complete mess, and even though I was crazy about him, avoided his phone calls and text messages, I was just not ready for a relationship, I couldn't even take care of myself. Basically we went out a few times and I was reluctant to let him get close to me. It ended before it began. At the beginning of September 2007 I was finally ready to open up and be civil, I had gained a couple of pounds, but he had already decided it wasn't worth it and taken off, telling me it wasn't the same as before and the connection wasn't there. The sad thing is I was completely in love with him, but terrified to get close to anyone, so I never told him until months later, when he was already with someone else.

The problem is, it is now months later and I still can't get over him. As far as I know he is in love with someone else, he told me in an email. It's really hard, because I feel like it was all a blur, it was the worst time he could possible have come into my life. I am seeing a therapist and trying to work out my problems with relationships. I've been asked out by some really great guys since, but I just don't feel the same way about any of them. I was at an alumni student event a couple of days ago and he was there (he graduated from my program at the end of my first semester) and he was at the opposite side of the room and stood with his back to me the whole time talking to a bleached blond girl. I was jealous, it may have been his girlfriend, I don't know. I was too scared to say hi, because I honestly felt like I would break into tears, which would be the worst thing to happen at a networking event.

This isn't a break-up because he was never my boyfriend, even though that's all I wanted.

This is really pathetic, like I need to accept that he is with someone else and not interested in me. I don't know why I can't get over him. My friends are sick of listening to me, and tell me to get over him and it's not worth it, and I want to, but for some reason I can't. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Just a Grrl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 1:59am

Welcome to the board just-a-grrl-26,


What you describe with this guy, well, as nicely as possible, I'm not sure it's love. It sounds more like you fixated on him and are kind of obsessed with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2008
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 3:20am

Hi,

Yes, I've talked to my therapist and he told me to make a list of the people in my life and what I want from those relationships and what I have from them to identify what the other person wants from the relationship. Clearly he does not want to be with me.

To be honest, I think it maybe was a fixation. It is weird. I know the only reason I can't get over him is because I was a complete mess when I had the chance to be with him and pushed him away. He told me it didn't work out and unfortunately that happens and that spending time with me was horrible. I should just accept it was never meant to be, but for some reason I can't. It is very strange that I can't get over it. I think I may have idealized something that didn't exist subconsciously to remove myself from the bad relationship.

I just want to get over him and move my attention to someone new and available. There are lots of great guys who have asked me out. For instance this P.Eng with an MBA I met last week has been trying to get me to go for coffee with him all week. And I meet these great guys all the time!

I don't get it...