Can't hate him
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 9:23am |
I was in a relationship for the last year with an incredible person... truly incredible. One of the nicest, kindest guys and I ususally don't fall for that type. I've never met someone so truly compassionate about other people and still independent and secure. It was clear from his social circle, too--all his family and friends were great people. When we started dating he was getting over a rough divorce (at 26... his wife ran off with another guy). I was hesitant of course but he was very open about what he went through and how focused he was on moving on, and he seemed to have a great outlook on it. He didn't show any signs of the walking wounded, and was even mature enough to admit that he felt like he was ready to start over, but he wasn't sure what would happen in the future.
We had a wonderful relationship. We just had fun together. We spent lots of time with each other's family and I became very close to his. I've had several relationships before but this one seemed to good to be true.
Well, I guess it was. Several months in to dating he mentioned an opportunity to get his dream job in California (we live in Seattle). I was scared at first but happy and supportive of him. I actually felt better about the relationship when he said he wanted us to work things out, with me eventually probably relocating. It was a little early to start talking very seriously, particularly with his divorce, but we both seemed committed to working it out.
That's about when things changed. Maybe I got a little scared about what would happen and let some insecurities show... and I felt like he wasn't so affectionate, although a very caring person. I told him that, and he was shocked. He said he'd always been a very affectionate person and he worried that he wasn't doing enough. He said that in his last relationship he had given so much of himself that he'd withdrawn a little after it ended. I sensed the way he was acting wasn't really who he was, and told him I'd wait to see if more time would make a difference.
But things just got worse. I got more emotional, and he felt bad that he couldn't give me what I needed. I never pressured him into a more serious relationship, we just talked about trying to be on the same page. We were both under an enormous amount of stress... him with this move to California and me with my first year teaching and masters program, which I feared had stressed me out to the point of turning me into the worst person I could be.
He said that two people in love should be able to support each other through rough times and that we weren't. It's true, it'd been really hard on us both. I wanted so much to finish my school year and let him get settled to let some of the stress subside, but he didn't think it would get any better and he ended it.
We've kept in touch and he's been nicer and more compassionate to me since we broke up. I've stayed close with his friends, and we're trying to be friends. Maybe that's a bad move but I'm not sure what else to do. I just don't know how to get over him when I have nothing to hate him for... he probably wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even though he thought he was. Can I really blame him for that? There's not a thing about him, even little habits or something, that I can find to hate.
He was my best friend and now he's gone. All my good friends live in other states, and I have very few people here to surround myself with. Even now the only person I can talk to, could ever talk to, is him. And while it'd be nice to stay in touch and be friendly, I need another source of support. I don't know how to get over this.

Edited 4/24/2006 12:45 pm ET by who_knew2006
There doesn't have to be anything WRONG with your ex (or you for that matter) to make the two of you not right for EACH OTHER.
You get over him, in part, by accepting that you're not right for each other.
Having contact with him is going to make getting over him pretty much impossible though. It takes three things to get over someone: time, no contact, and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you weren't right for each other.
Sheri
But I don't feel that we weren't right for each other. I think the timing was off or he had some things to work through, but even he admits what he had was really something. I've asked him many times to tell me if it had to do with me, or us as a couple, and he reassures me that it's not. All I can tell is that the stress got too much for him to handle and he's not completely over his ex wife.
That's a reason it's hard to move on. There was nothing fundamentally wrong between us, except a lot of circumstantial stress on both sides. I thought we could work through it and let it pass... he gave up.
I'm also not sure about not contacting him. It's been the only thing that's really kept me going... if I'd been cut off from him and his friends and his family this would be unbearable. I've maintained great friendships with exes before.
I think the only thing that could really get me over it is hope in someone new, but I'm definitely not hopeful about finding that or near ready to try.
I understand...we've all been there!!! But unfortunately what YOU think doesn't really matter...if HE doesn't think that, too. If he felt you were right for each other (and timing is a HUGE part of being right for each other!), he'd do whatever he could to make it work. Either that or he's not *capable* of making it work (at least at this point in time)...which also makes him not right for you.
If you are the exception to the rule of not being able to segue right from a romance to a friendship without a period of no contact, then more power to you! I've never been able to do it...I'm friends with several of my exes but it's always taken a period of no contact to make the transition (even if we tried to go right to friends...it never worked and I've always had to take a step back and then reconnect as friends later after a break). If you can truly do it, I think that would be the first example I've seen of that working in all the years I've been on this and other boards (and in my life in general--I don't know any friends or acquaintances who've been able to do it without a break).
As for finding someone new...it's a chicken/egg thing, IMO. You won't be interested in finding someone new until you're over him, but if you can't move on in the meantime, how will you ever get to that point?
Sheri
I guess that's a good point. I just don't understand any of this... It took me a long time to trust him but he's such a good person that I came to trust him more than anyone I've known. He has such a kind, honest heart. Just two weeks before we broke up when he was leaving for a trip he gave me a big hug and said "I love you." He hardly ever said that without me saying it first. We had something amazing... and then, nothing.
The epitome of emotionally unavailable, I guess.
He gave so much to his last relationship that he even told me that he learned to focus more on himself and trust his gut. I think he swung the pendulum the other way a little too far. Everything in me says this is a timing thing and that we have potential... the break up just doesn't make sense. I'd love to think that somewhere down the road it could work... because if it could it would be worth the wait. But I don't want to wait forever.
It may feel like he is your world or intended, but that isn't always the case. In Zen and other philosophies, you learn that people are put in your path for reasons. Sometimes for years, sometimes shorter periods of time.
We have to learn to accept the goodbyes and move on, perhaps either of you have taken what you were supposed to learn from the situation and hanging on will not let you grow into the person you are intended to be.
I know you think you can't exist without someone, anyone, but that's not true. Perhaps you simply need to get to know yourself. The YOU that needs a friend from yourself. I agree with the other post ( I forget who) about trying something like Yoga. It really does help clear your mind and refocus a bit.
WHile you may think that seeing him or talking to him is helping you, it really just prolongs your healing. When my ex floated away, I didn't have the option of contact, he refused; although I would and still do, see him at the gym. I also would cry and pray to be able to talk with him. Now I am so thankful that wasn't possible. I still miss him and deep inside feel like he is part of my future, but if it's meant to be..... you know.
Anyway, hang in there. Have you started a journal or painting or anything? They really do help to get your feelings out of your head..
Bon Chance!