Can't leave...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Can't leave...
7
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:44pm
Help! I have been in a relationship for 2 years with someone I really enjoy spending time with. We have a lot of fun and are very attracted to each other physically and mentally! There is one huge problem though.... he wont leave his children's mother. When I started seeing him, he had just come out of a relationship with her, or so I thought. However, about 3-4 months into the relationship he started struggling with his decision to leave her and started to think about going back. Eventually he did. At first he was back and forth a lot with his decision and would leave and go back a lot. Eventually they bought a house (just in her name) and he begin to stay there consistantly. We fought with breaking up again and again. When things got to the lowest point between us, he started to tell me how much he loved me and how much I meant to him and that he didn't want to lose me. He said he was going to leave so that he could give me his all. Well 2 years later, he still hasn't left. He will tell me to give him time and be patient because he wants to be together. I went through so much with this relationship!! I went from being my best to hitting rock bottom and now beginning to get back to who I was when we met. I do love him very, very much and I really wish things could have worked. However, I am not starting to feel like a fool and I know he isn't going to leave, especially with me enabling him to be there and see me too. I don't want this. I want so much more from a relationship and I really thought we had that kinda love that could get through this. I am beginning to wonder how wrong I could have been. When I try to leave we end up in a huge blow out fight where very mean things are said and we always end up making up and telling each other how much we love each other, miss each other and want to be together. He will seem quite sincere like he doesn't want to lose me, but then a week down the road, he is back to seeming like he isn't going to leave. Help! I can't seem to break this cycle!! It hurts to be without him, but it hurts more some times knowing he is still giving his energy to her! I want a resolution and I don't know how to get one...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 4:32pm

Sure he doesn't want to lose you, he gets the best of both world, probably two women to sleep with, adore him, etc.

One day you will wake up and wonder why you 'believed', why you waited, and why you wasted so much time.

He will stay with you, with one foot in both relationships as long as you allow it. Sorry for your pain.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 5:23pm

well this is all up to you...let me ask you something answer this question to yourself honestly.....ARE YOU HAPPY THAT YOU ARE HIS SECOND CHOICE? IS THIS KINDA RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU WANT?

LIKE I SAID THIS ALL UP TO YOU. DO WHAT YOU THINK MAKES YOU HAPPY? GOOD LUCK DEAR AND GOD BLESS YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:44am
When its good, its real good, but when it is bad, it is the worst! I know I need to leave him be, I know that very well... and I would be the first to tell someone in my situation exactly what you said, but when it comes down to it, it just isn't that easy. I want to be free! Free of the pain, stress and heartache! I wish I could just wake up one day and be back in my life prior to this! I have so much going for me! I am educated, have my own house, take care of myself financially and consider myself to be attractive, I just don't know why he has this hold on me and don't know how to break free!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:37am
You are just in love and keep thinking he will eventually want to be with you. You keep waiting, and waiting and waiting for things to get better. How long have you waited? I'll tell you something, if it's meant to be, he would be with just you and only you by now. Don't you want a guy who is all about you, and treats you wonderful and loves you and only you! I understand he has a child and I am sure that is what makes this so hard for him. But he could still contact the child and the relationship with the child's mother could just be to deal with things concerning the child. I know this hurts so much and you really feel like you can't leave. It will probably be one of the hardest things you'll have to do. But if he can't commit to you and only you, it just won't work. Bottom line. He has had enough time to make it work and he is just keeping you around because he knows he can and you won't leave. Well guess what, when you leave, he won't know what to think, and it will teach him a really great lesson and you will learn a lot too. And you never know, he might feel you are the one but you have to let him come to you, you can't force anything. But let it go for now and be sad and mope (without letting him know) just get it all out of your system, but then be ready to move on. And just think, you will be one step closer to being with the right person, the person who wants you and ONLY you. How great would that be? :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:52am
Thank you. I really appreciate your positive encouraging words. I know you are right, I know all those things are correct. I do believe he cares for me and loves me, but I also know I have made it WAY too easy for him to have his cake and eat it too. When I try to end it, it just gets ugly and that is hard to deal with. It is getting past that part, that is tough. I don't want him to hate me and I don't want to hate him. I know what I need to do... I just need to get up the strength to do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:34pm
I think you need to cut him off cold-turkey. Change your lock, your phone numbers, block his emails, etc. In the beginning it'd be difficult, but be sure to have your friends around to hang out with during that period. Occasionally you'll have one lonely night that will make you question whether you've done the right thing - don't fall for it. Just acknowledge that it's not easy and that it'll be a lot of pain in the beginning. I've been there, and learned that the only way to do it is just to have the determination to cut off all communication. If you still have doubts, just project yourself to 2 more years from now. Do you really want yourself to be still stuck in the same situation 2 years later? You already know what's the right thing to do (i.e. leave him), now the next step is to actually achieve it. You can't allow him to have the chance to convince you otherwise. After a while you'll realize that life without this pain... is actually wonderful. Someone said it well: leaving him makes you one step closer to finding that right person. Just take it one day at a time; every day that goes by takes you one day further from your pain, and one day closer to happiness. Also, as another motivation, just think that this is the only way to force him to make a decision. If he decides to stay with her, then fine, you'll be better off getting out of this situation. If he decides to come back to you, well, it'll be YOUR decision to accept him back or not. Hm... now to think of it, I've been on BOTH the receiving and giving ends of the situation... and, yep, both times progress (moving on is progress, even if you don't end up getting the guy) only happened when someone decided to leave and not take the crap anymore (sadly).


Edited 4/19/2006 1:36 pm ET by jjjj2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 2:08pm

actually everybody goes on that situation. let me tell you something this person that i know is kinda similar with your story. the guy is married and he date her also at the same time. he actually do same excuses like your bf. just wait and be patience. it been 10yrs same BS. i guess she got tired and ask him one last question. well at the end he still choose the wife. well this IS very HARD IN HER SITUATION IMAGINE FOR 10YRS....WOW RIGHT. ACTUALLY SHE DOING OKAY NOW SHE MAKE HER SELF BUSY AND THE GUY STILL BEGGING. BUT SHE START IGNORING HIM AND WHAT SHE TOLD ME. SHE FEEL WEIRD WENT THEY MET AGAIN AFTER THE BREAK UP. THE WAY SHE LOOK AT HIM IS NOT LIKE BEFORE THAT HIS GORDEOUS AND EVERYTHING. HE WAS TRYING TO KISS HER AND HUG HER. BUT SHE FEEL NASTY NOW. I GUESS THATS THE WAY IT IS.

IF ARE FEELING IS TOTALLY FADED WE START SEEING THE TRUTH. SO DONT WORRY IT WILL TAKE TIME. LIKE YOU MENTION YOU ARE EDUCATED AND ATTRACTIVE. ONEDAY YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT ONE JUST BE PATIENCE. OR MAYBE YOU ALREADY MET HIM. BUT YOU ARE BLIND WITH YOUR BF AND YOU DONT OPEN YOUR EYES. YOU NEVER KNOW.

GOOD LUCK DEAR