Can't leave it alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Can't leave it alone
11
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:01am
Hey, this is my first time on here, so i'm not quite sure how this works. I guess I could start by telling you all my situation. Not even a month ago my boyfriend and I broke up.We had been fighting alot about stupid things. I was young and inexperienced about relationships, so i was never really sure about what to do or how to react to certain things. He had been in two long term relationships prior to me, and i had never really been in one. I think our problem stemmed from him not being able to communicate with me how he was feeling, and that caused me to become frustrated alot of the time, because i am the type of person that can and is very in touch with my emotions. He always told me he never wanted to lose me, and now look what happened. Things were becoming uneasy with me, he wouldn't call as much, say sweet things, didn't seem to care anymore or just seemed distant to me. to him, things were fine, he thought it was just because i needed alot of affection and attention to feel loved, which is true, but i wasn't expecting a lot from him. One night i had had enough, so i talked to him about what i was feeling and he did the same, i still felt unsettled as he was leaving and said "maybe we aren't suppose to be together..." he started to cry, and that just broke my heart, and after crying for a few minutes, he said that we should take a break because we were getting on each others nerves. and then we both started to cry, and told each other how much we loved each other and he said that whatever happens he wanted to be friends. Going on a break was hard, i was so use to him always being there..i don't think we really gave it a chance, we still talked to each other everyday and argued, then one night i realized it wasn't working he was still being distant, and i said that maybe we should end it. we met up the following monday to talk and to do it face to face. I didn't end it well at all, and i feel so guilty, he apologized for things and i just acted so immature and said some things i truly regret. Things have been up and down with us a lot lately, i'm having a hard time letting go, everything reminds me of him. one minute i will be fine, and the next i am feeling sorry for myself, and wish i could talk to him. I don't even know anymore if he wants to be friends after the way i have been acting lately toward him, i always get mad at him for the littlest things and it doesn't end well. Just last night i could feel he was avoiding me,he didnt pick up his phone or answer my text message, i wanted to talk things out with him, and i am really trying to not get mad at him. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate me anymore, and that everything he said was a lie. I hate that this is how i am feeling right now, its like consuming me...all this anger,sadness,longing and heart ache. I have been trying to focus on friends, family, school and work, but i just can't leave this alone, i feel so many things still need to be said, i guess its just me feeling guilty for the way it ended. I just don't know what to do anymore, should i try to be friends and in my heart i do, it just seems so impossible right now i feel like if i do let him go for while he will forget about me, he says he wouldn't ever be able to forget about me, even if he tried, but lately i think thats what he wants. i don't know anymore, i feel like i've lost myself, and i hate this because i've let this happen. I just wish this were easier.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:59am

You will get through this. I'm not sure why it's so, but every break up sucks, no matter what. It would be nice if there was a way to end things and have it be easy. But no suck luck. But from everything you said, I'd suggest trying to stay away from him. You say you can't leave it alone, but you feel bad about the person you are being right now. If I've learned anything in my break ups, it's that no matter how much you want to be friends, there needs to be some time away for that to be successful. For me, it varies. Sometimes I can be friendly with the ex after only a few weeks of no contact. Usually, I'm not truly comfortable with my friendship with the ex until I've started realizing my eyes are open to the possibility of a new relationship. In these cases, I've resumed contact, but part of me still wants to be with him. Give it some time. Don't call, text, email or otherwise contact him for a day... just start with that. Then add a day each day. Realize that you both need some time to heal before you can come back to each other as friends and let the past be the past.

I know it's hard letting go of this person who has been both your friend and lover, somehow that combination makes is so hard. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:37pm

Hi,
I am going through almost the exact same situation with my now ex boyfriend. Let me tell you this now, stop what you are doing! Well I can't tell you that, but just rethink what you do before you do it. I acted and felt a lot like you do now and it has pushed away my ex, drastically. My bf broke up with me 3 months ago because of an argument that we had had. I felt, for a while, like he was not as into me anymore. He was tired of the arguments so he said we needed a break. I didn’t trust our love enough to just let things be what they were and to just give each other time for our wounds to heal. Instead I called, whined, got mad at him for his decisions, made smart-ass remarks, and acted like many other ex-girlfriends do. Now I don’t have him anymore. He doesn’t call me and when I ask him to come by like he use to a few weeks ago, he says no. He says it hurts to bad and that he just gets confused when he comes over.

It was my first relationship also, so I didn’t know how to go about having a successful relationship and how to treat a great guy. I was still bitter about how other guys treated me so it was hard for me to let down my guard for this guy. He knew exactly how to treat me and he did it so well… He was so in love with me until I hurt him for the last time. Now it is kind of like the other way around. Get me? I have learned so much since we broke up and I know if it doesn't work out with him in the future, then I can use what I have learned for my next relationship. One thing I have realized latley is that it takes mistakes, sometimes big ones, to make you a better person or better girlfriend for that matter.

Sometimes you have got to let go of the one you love, not because you want to but because you have to, to make things work in the end… even if it is just being friends. It seems to me, though, that you both will probably end up back together, IF you don’t push him any further. Believe me, if you stop concentrating on trying to fix things with him right now, you will feel a lot better. You said before that you have friends, family, ect., so spend more time with them. Friends are the best break-up aid. YOU have it so much better than I do. I have no good friends to help pass the time with. I wish so badly that I did have someone I could talk to right now, but I don’t. At least be thankful for that. It seems like everyone's world has falls apart after a bad break-up. Mine did but you just have to deal with what God throws at you.

-Make yourself not make hurtful comments, smart remarks, ect.... I had to learn the hard way not to do that... It is just showing him more of why you both broke up in the first place when you say things like that.
-Understand what he is going through. Understand HIM...
- Of course you can't be friends right now, so come to an agreement on what you both need to do.
-Enjoy what time you have to yourself, because you might end up rushing back into things with him and regretting it later.

Hope I helped and I hope you understood what I was saying :). God knows I need advice on how to get through this, I can't beleieve I am giving it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 5:57pm
hey,
Thanks so much for replying. It feels alot better knowing that someone is going through the same thing i am, it makes me feel like i am not alone in this situation. I know i shouldn't push him so much, it will only push him away further. It just makes me frustrated that I can't tackle this problem, i'm usually the type of person who wants to fix things right away, yes i know i am very impatient. Oh and by the way, you aren't alone, you've got everyone on this message board that is here to listen and give advice. I'm glad I signed onto this, sometimes its good to get other opinions from other people that don't know the situation that well. If i told my friends all the time what was going on, and that we have been still arguing, i think they would get mad.
It still hurts so much not having him a part of my life the way it use to be. Not only did i find someone that i love, but my family liked too. that really meant alot to me. I'm just afraid that maybe i have pushed him away, when really i should have kept my mouth shut at times. I've been able to be friends with other ex's, but with him its different he was my first true love.
If you need to talk or vent just reply back to me. I guess there is one good thing that happened today, i haven't tried to contact him in any way, and tonight im just hanging with the girls. I'm going to try not to talk to him, even though its so hard not too right now. I know he's going through a rough time, not just about the break up but other things have happened since, its just sad that i can't be the one he turns to for help or advice right now like he has in the past.
Thanks so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 8:08pm

Your story is identical to mine only we have been broken up for almost three months now and I still can't get it through my head that it is over...THREE MONTHS! I guess I just keep thinking this can't be happening that he will realize how much I loved him and how much I had to offer. I had been contacting him via email and phone almost every week since we broke up and everytime I would wind up mad. He started to think I was a pyscho. I was getting angry because my emotions were running so high and if the conversation didn't lead where I wanted it to I would feel hurt and the hurt would turn to anger. Believe me I really could not control myself and all of it was just a product of being hurt. We last talked Monday and that is when I was yelling at him because I heard he was seeing someone. He denied it which I didn't understand because if he is into someone else he should feel good about that and not want to hide it. At any rate I was the same way, an emotional wreck. I decided that I cannot talk to him anymore for fear of risking looking like a complete pyschotic person. In actuality what I am going through it normal, I don't have mental problems, I am just someone who is deeply hurting. I broke it off with my ex and we both cried too. I felt like I had to because he was doing the same thing your ex was doing and I was frustrated, I didn't know what else to do. I figured he was behaving that way to push me into doing it so he didn't have to.

One thing I can tell you is if you were ever lovers with someone then there is no room for friendship. At least not for a very long time down the road. My ex kept saying he wanted to remain friends and I always told him I could not because I would always be hoping for more and that is not fair to him or to me. Also, it is just a nice thing to say when things come to an end because think about it, it is only a matter of convenience because think how quick your friendship will end when he starts seeing someone else (or you for that matter). How practical will it be to continue to be friends. The new partner is not going to like it and rightfully so. In the long run it will just bring back the pain all over again. If you are hurting now, make a clean break, don't patch it only to have it bust open again. It really is not practical and experts warn against it. Maybe sometime down the line when you aren't hurting anymore you can be friends but really by what definition will you be friends? The kind that hang out all the time? Probably not. It is just best to let it go.

Java

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 12:35am
Hey, Thanks for replying.
I know what you're saying is probably right...i don't understand why or how he would want us to be friends after everything we have been through together. I was with him because i loved him as a person and a lover, not as a friend..we were never friends first. Whenever i heard him say that, it just hurt even more, "lets be just friends." He never thought it would be a hard transition, but he said it would need time. And frankly, i don't even know if that would even help. You're right, I would always be wanting something more out of it, and it would kill me everytime i saw him and knew he was seeing someone else. I told him this, and he said why throw it all away when we knew everything about each other, and that i was the only person who knew him. I just feel so frustrated, i mean if we couldn't work in a relationship, how could we work as friends? I never had sex with any of my friends, it just makes this that much harder, when what i really want is things to be the way they use to be or for me to get over this and get on with my life. It's so hard not to talk to him, and so far its been a day with no contact whatsoever, and he is online right now. But i know that its for the best if it will help me to truly get over him. I just wish it were easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 12:57am

You know what is best for you and truly it is just not productive to be friends. My ex said the same thing and I think it was a way of not breaking all ties at once and easing him out of it without no contact at all. But I pictured it this way...he contacts me, we have a friendship, one day he meets someone and I am no longer convenient for him and therefore he disappears. How fair is that? I am not going to be someone's friend as a matter of convenience.

It is very hard to go through a break up...believe me I have been a wreck for nearly three months. I just can't see anyone else but him and I can't picture myself with anyone else. Everyone says he is toxic for me but if that were true I don't think I would have fallen so hard for him. I am an intelligent clear headed person and if he were toxic for me I wouldn't have fallen for him. I was enamored by his proposal of marriage and that has been hard to let go of. I think we were difficult as a couple but I think that there was some deeper connection between us. It was not an easy relationship but even easy relationships break apart. I guess it just boils down to how much the two people want to be together. I hate being single, believe me in Alaska it is not a pretty sight. Check out the yahoo singles sometime for Alaska and you will see what I mean. I figured with all the trials and tribulations we had that the pros of staying together far out weighed the cons. Unfortunately, he thought differently. I think it is to late for us to get back together. I think things have been ruined between us with the separation and I think he has said some not so nice things about me to his friends in order to keep himself from getting back with me, because if he did his friends would rip him up one side and down the other.

You do need to stick to the NC rule. I started out with two weeks. I have made it 5 days so far and each day that goes by it gets a little harder until I hit the bottom then I will start coming back up again. It is funny how someone can take so much out of you and leave you feeling like a deflated balloon. Mostly I just walk around in a daze. I have been less than myself, the last few months have been a blur. Weekend after weekend has passed and I usually go to my office for lack of anything better to do.

I hope you start to feel better and I hope that the advise you gain from people on this site will help you. I have found that it helps to just get it out to anyone who will listen.

Java

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 10:44am
Hey, I do agree that the no contact thing is probably best right now. We both can't have a conversation without one of us getting pissed off at one another, the emotions are still running really high...well i think with me anyway. So i made the decision to block and delete at least for now, that way I know I can't talk to him. I know he is getting fed up with the way I have been acting and he has warned me that it isn't good to get upset with him all the time, i know it's not fair to him, just everything little thing he says i think has a deeper meaning or its suppose to be an attack on me, when really it isn't and he just gets fed up with me assuming things. I know we didn't have the perfect relationship either. It was definitely a case of opposites attract. He came from a single parent family, had been through some bad relationships, had been to rehab for drug abuse, was into that whole punk scene,he is very guarded about his emotions and insecure about somethings, he liked to keep to himself, didn't have many friends because many of them are still into the drug scene, wasn't as ambitious about what he wanted to do with his life and i know this isn't a huge factor in our relationship, but he didn't believe in anything, not that i'm really religious, but it just showed how his outlook on life was. Me on the other hand is very close with my family, haven't really been in serious relationships, like to go out have a few drinks with friends and have a good time, i'm in school atleast trying to figure what i still want to do with my life and is very in touch with how i feel. So i guess you could say our personalities would clash at times. I think i liked the fact that he was different from anyone i ever met, and so did he for me. We had some amazing times together, times that i know we wouldn't have probably have had with anyone else, and even though we went out not that long, we experienced and helped each other out with a lot of things. In a lot of ways he reminded me of my father, the sense of humour and his kindness toward me and how good he would make me feel about myself...unfortunately it wasn't always like that. Sometimes those differences got the better of us, and we weren't able to communicate that until it was too late and at the near end of our relationship. He is a great guy, I know my friends have other opinions, but i know that he is. He never did anything to hurt me or made me insecure about him. He just has some issues he needed to deal with, and i have to realize i can't help everyone all the time. It just to draining for both us. So I have decided no contact until i feel i am ready. Hope this will work,its all i can right now not to get upset with him anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 1:45pm

It is amazing how the things you describe about your relationship are identical to mine. My ex said the same thing to me that the arguing was pushing him away. I think we didn't communicate well either. He would say things and I would take them the wrong way, assume something was being said that wasn't. On the other hand I don't think he tried real hard to fix that. He says he gave 110% but I don't see where that was possible. Unless he was giving in ways that he had never gave before to someone rather then giving in ways to fix the things that were wrong in our relationship. My friends say the same thing about my ex, maybe they see something that I don't and maybe I won't be able to see it until more time has passed. I know that I can't talk to him anymore, really there isn't anything left to say. Anytime we did talk it ended up in an arguement because the conversation didn't go the way I wanted it to or he would be short with me and want to get off the phone.

He beat me down somehow to where I have little self esteem and that has never happened to me before. I always felt pretty secure in my life and in my skin. He wasn't abusive but the way he saw things as being all my fault and then pointing out my faults really wore me down. As I look back I can see that he takes no blame at all in any of his other relationships. Even when we would casually talk about what happened, it was always his ex that was the problem. He never took any blame, not even a little. Yet they all cheated on him in the end, that doesn't happen for no reason. I see how it is possible that he is bringing that on in how he deals with the relationship. I also think he is incapable of a long term relationship. I think he thrives on the newness and the excitement but once the relationship starts to settle in and it becomes everyday and requires effort to make it work then he runs away. He doesn't like to deal with anything that takes effort, if it is to much work he will get rid of it. I can type all of these things out and logically I can't see how I would want to be with someone like I have described and yet I do. I guess I am glad that he is running away from me and not coming back because I am to weak when it comes to him and he is actually doing me a huge favor by leaving me alone.

Java

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 3:29pm
I guess love is not enough to sustain a relationship. I wish he had been able to communicate with me the way i would with him. Whenever I felt that there was something off or something was bothering me, and i would tell him, it would usually turn around and be somehow my fault or he wouldn't really respond and i would end up being even more pissed off. How is he ever going to have another long term relationship with anyone else?I feel like it has something to do with me and thats why he never really opened up completely with me, but he insists that it is just the way he has always been, and i can see that after all the issues he has been through in his life. He was also cheated on by his ex-girlfriend, they had been going out for 2.5 years.He once told me he wasn't in love with her, that he cared for her deeply, but he didn't look forward to seeing her or talking to her like he did with me and that i was the only person he'd ever loved. That must have been a reason why she did it, maybe the frustration of him being so unwilling to talk about things or seeming to not care as much? who knows. It just sucks that the way he felt about me came out after our relationship ended. I mean i knew from the beginning how much he liked me, he always told me how he felt about me and everything was so happy and dandy, then things just started to go up and down from there. I think he felt that he didnt need to work anymore, not that i always expected grand things from him...but they seemed to start to slow down almost to the point of nothing. Thats when i started to become frustrated, and my friends could see that. And maybe I didn't deal with the situation that well by being immature and whining or complaining, instead of actually communicating. And now i feel since i didnt get the chance to tell him during the relationship what i was feeling, i'm letting it out to him now. But it's stopped, he's had enough and not just with me,he's going through a rough time as well, his friend passed away. And I am also getting tired. Its been a rollercoaster ride these past few weeks, one day we would get along well and the next we're at it again. Its so hard not to talk to him right now when i know he's in pain, I know he won't show it or say anything, thats just the way he is. I really don't think its healthy for him to bottle up all these emotions, but there is really nothing i can do to change that. I just thought if you loved someone that you were able to talk about things openly with each other, that maybe i could be the one that changed that...i know now you can't change anyone, they have to do it themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 11:58am

Hi again,

I think you mentioned something about someone close to your ex passing away, didn't you??? It happens all the time, but a friend of my ex died in a car accident friday night and yes, it is so hard to know that you can't be there for him like you want to. The cold hard fact for me though is that my ex doesn't want to talk to me about it. He doesn't want me to be there for him. I saw him at the funeral visitation last night and of course he was upset. I was waiting in line to see the family and he just walked right past me. Does it sound selfish that I got upset about it a little? I know it was uncomfortable for him, but it hurts because we use to be so close. Well later on that night I wanted to see how he was doing and, in all honesty, it was hard for me to see him there w/o speaking to him. Well I called and I asked what he was doing and he said he was on the other line with his sister. I said okay,call me back in a minute, if you want. He told me that he was going to bed, he had a bad headache since the visitation and that he would talk to me tomorrow. I am just so clueless about this all. I said "I just wanted to see how you doing" and he never really answered. I am so upset that he could act this way towards me, regardless of the situation because I was one of the first people he called when he found out about his death, he called eight times in a row trying to get a hold of me. Does that mean anything?? Just a day ago he came to see me, leading me on once again and then letting me know there was no future for us. If I was smart, I guess I would get a clue and pick myself back up and move on. Hopefully I will one day, his actions are slowing making me lose my strong feelings for him.

It hurts that an ex you still want to be with doesn't want your companionship, but at the same time I realize that no matter how good someone was to you before, no one deserves to have their feelings thrown right back at them, like they mean nothing. I don't know how close mine and your situations are but I thought you might relate to how I feel since we both have about the same problem.

Write Back. Thanks

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