Can't leave it alone
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Can't leave it alone
| Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:01am |
Hey, this is my first time on here, so i'm not quite sure how this works. I guess I could start by telling you all my situation. Not even a month ago my boyfriend and I broke up.We had been fighting alot about stupid things. I was young and inexperienced about relationships, so i was never really sure about what to do or how to react to certain things. He had been in two long term relationships prior to me, and i had never really been in one. I think our problem stemmed from him not being able to communicate with me how he was feeling, and that caused me to become frustrated alot of the time, because i am the type of person that can and is very in touch with my emotions. He always told me he never wanted to lose me, and now look what happened. Things were becoming uneasy with me, he wouldn't call as much, say sweet things, didn't seem to care anymore or just seemed distant to me. to him, things were fine, he thought it was just because i needed alot of affection and attention to feel loved, which is true, but i wasn't expecting a lot from him. One night i had had enough, so i talked to him about what i was feeling and he did the same, i still felt unsettled as he was leaving and said "maybe we aren't suppose to be together..." he started to cry, and that just broke my heart, and after crying for a few minutes, he said that we should take a break because we were getting on each others nerves. and then we both started to cry, and told each other how much we loved each other and he said that whatever happens he wanted to be friends. Going on a break was hard, i was so use to him always being there..i don't think we really gave it a chance, we still talked to each other everyday and argued, then one night i realized it wasn't working he was still being distant, and i said that maybe we should end it. we met up the following monday to talk and to do it face to face. I didn't end it well at all, and i feel so guilty, he apologized for things and i just acted so immature and said some things i truly regret. Things have been up and down with us a lot lately, i'm having a hard time letting go, everything reminds me of him. one minute i will be fine, and the next i am feeling sorry for myself, and wish i could talk to him. I don't even know anymore if he wants to be friends after the way i have been acting lately toward him, i always get mad at him for the littlest things and it doesn't end well. Just last night i could feel he was avoiding me,he didnt pick up his phone or answer my text message, i wanted to talk things out with him, and i am really trying to not get mad at him. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate me anymore, and that everything he said was a lie. I hate that this is how i am feeling right now, its like consuming me...all this anger,sadness,longing and heart ache. I have been trying to focus on friends, family, school and work, but i just can't leave this alone, i feel so many things still need to be said, i guess its just me feeling guilty for the way it ended. I just don't know what to do anymore, should i try to be friends and in my heart i do, it just seems so impossible right now i feel like if i do let him go for while he will forget about me, he says he wouldn't ever be able to forget about me, even if he tried, but lately i think thats what he wants. i don't know anymore, i feel like i've lost myself, and i hate this because i've let this happen. I just wish this were easier.

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