Can't let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Can't let go
3
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 6:29pm
My boyfriend and I broke up about 10 months ago. We were together for 12 years and broke up because he cheated on me. (We had broken up twice before that lasted about 2 months each time because of other things. He never seemed to have time for me, I felt taken for granted and alone) I felt hurt and totally abandoned (we had gotten engaged 10 months prior and bought our first house 5 months prior to the break up) I started seeing someone within 1 month of our breakup who pretty much moved right in because he had just had a break up as well. I admit I was nervous about keeping up with the bills and a roommate would be great. I took the plunge hoping something magical would happen. I really felt that if I got involved with someone else, it would help me get through the break up. This guy is super nice, but when I first met him my first thought was he wasn't my type. My ex was a manly man, carpenter, very handy, hunter, fisher. This new guy is a suit and tie guy, not handy at all and gets a long great with all the girls. Problem is I can't get over the not so manly part of it. I am used to a guy that gets dirty and drives a truck. I keep thinking to myself he is so nice, why is it that when he says he loves me I can't say it back and really feel it like I did with my ex. I keep thinking that if I give it time I will fall in love with him because there really isn't a reason not to like him, other than the appearance thing. He is good looking, but like I said, not what I am used to. We have a lot of fun together, but I just don't feel in love. I know I am not over my ex yet which is a problem as well. I have tried and tried, and thought time would make it go away, but it hasn't. My ex wants to try to work it out. I'm afraid of hurting the new guy and possibly giving up something that might be great. I'm also afraid of totally losing the 12 years I invested in ex. I want my old life back, but we had problems and what if things are the same. Can we fix it? Should I leave things as is? Break the new guys heart? he is so nicee he doesn't deserve that. I feel like because he is so good to me I should love him and not want my ex back. I don't trust myself to make the right choice. Give me some input...Please
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 12:59am

Ideal advice - break it off with the new guy, do not get back together with the ex.

From your POV, it probrably sounds crazy - I mean it means you'll be ALONE. But I think alone is good for you right now. You need to resolve this 12 year left-over feelings with your ex - but not WITH your ex, but by yourself. Jumping into a relationship 1 month after your break up smacks of not being able to be alone, yet sometimes being alone for a period to rediscover yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. It's not all philosophical BS either. Some of my friends' best relationships are after a lengthy single period. And some of the relationships they regret most are the ones they had during a post-break up serial dating spree. And best part is at the end of this reflection period, you'll be more clear on what you want and what you won't stand for.

For your ex - think about a few things. If you get back together, will you ever be able to look past his cheating? Do you want to go back for the sake for familiarity? Do you think he'll ever be trustworthy again? has he made a solid effort to change what led to the cheating? Is it because your feelings of loneliness and yearning to ease the hurt clouding your initial decision to dump him? If nothing changes, can you live in a relationship where he cheats on you periodically, but you stay around because you're afraid to be alone?

As for the new guy, perhaps other will disagree, but cut the guy a break. You have don't have closure, you're stringing him alone without being truly capable of giving him the love and commitment he deserves. Let him go. You are too fixiated on this image of the perfect-man-that-happened-to-be-your-ex, you can't truly appreciate what the current boyfriend has to offer. It'll be better for all in the long run.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 1:04am

Hey Shell -

First of all, I don't believe that you can force feelings that aren't there. One or both of you will end up regretting it in the end and it will hurt a lot more then than if its ended soon.

Second, to me, cheating is a deal breaker. I understand thats a lot harder to say with the kind of history you had. Have a heart to heart with yourself and ask if you would ever TRULY be able to forgive and trust him again or will you question his every move and throw it in his face all the time? Because as much as he deserves that for doing that to you, you don't deserve to be in that emotional turmoil for the rest of your live.

Third (sorry for the numbers lol) I think that you need to spend sometime ... ALONE. I don't think that this new guy is going to heal the wounds of your previous relationship. More likely than not, he's going to suffer more for them. The wounds need to be healed by you, and the best way to do that is to take time to yourself and find out who you truly are again. Either before you continue with this guy (and if he's truly that great, he'll understand) or with your old guy. I think that will give you more clarity to find the answers you seek.

Hope this was somewhat helpful, and keep reading and posting here it really helps to share and help others.

Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 1:44am

Welcome to the board shellb,


Ten months is not enough time, in my opinion to get over a 12 yr relationship, especially when you are still in contact with him and the betrayal of his cheating has never been dealt with.