Can't Let Go
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Can't Let Go
| Sun, 11-05-2006 - 9:39pm |
Hello there--sitting here on a Sunday night and thought it would help if I wrote this down instead of thinking about him. I've been dating the same man for about 4 yrs now. I'm 27, he is 38. It started out so well and he called as much as I called him. We saw each other almost every day, and then, as the years progressed, he called less and less, --I don't understand -- I guess he knows he "has" me so he is lazy now and doesn't "try". It would take forever to elaborate the various problems we have (he's always late, doesn't call for weeks sometimes). He goes what I call "M.I.A" on me and we've fought about how this is unacceptable. I told him he treats me like his phone bill--he doesn't pay his phone bill until they turn it off. Well, everytime I write him a text or tell him on the phone, "Come pick up your stuff it's over!" Then he is good to me for awhile and then goes "M.I.A." again. I know this all sounds very bad, but I just can't let go of him. When we're together, it's so wonderful and we laugh. I know what I must do--I must cut him out forever and find a man who will treat me with all the decency that I deserve. We have talked about this numerous times. He'll never change. I wish I had the guts to stop calling and texting him. It all makes me feel very sad, lonely, and depressed.

Hi There - Can I ask a few questions before I tell you what I think?
What have you guys discussed as far as your future together?
When he goes MIA, do you call him and then he does not return your calls?
What does he say is his justification for going MIA? Why does he think that is acceptable?
I guess if this is the man you see yourself having a future with, he is not sounding too commitment prone and you have to ask yourself whether investing more time in pursuing him is worth it. From what you said, he sounds like a jerk, but I'm sure there's a lot more to your story, so I'm not prepared to make that judgment yet.
Here's my general advice anyway. I picked these ideas up from some self-helpy reading I've been doing lately and from advice I've received. Sit down in a quiet place and ask yourself what you really want. Not even just about this guy, but how do you want your life to be, how do you want to feel. Then write it down and think about how to make that happen. When you write it down, you remind yourself of what you want out of life. We only have one life, but a lot of us, aside from going to school and picking a career, just sort of wander through life. We put more time into planning a nice dinner than we do in really thinking about what we want out of life. Maybe I'm oversimplifying here, but think about what you want, for now and for the future. If he doesn't match up with what you want, then he should be cast out. Easier said than done, I know, but maybe having the stuff you want in writing will help you justify not calling him in times of weakness, etc.
I know exactly what you mean about when you're together, it is wonderful. I am struggling with the same thing myself in dealing with my break-up. But, is how you feel now worth it.
Well, that's my advice, I guess, even without waiting for the answers to my questions. I have a lot of work to do on myself. It is always easier to see what we think is right for someone else, but oh so hard to implement ourselves. With that, I wish you well.
Lil Lil Kitty
You are stronger!! I know how you feel. You can get your mind around how to feel stronger and how you can move on with life, but then your mind remembers the good times of the past . . . the comfort of being with him . . . and that draws you back in . . . that feeling of comfort and happiness (even though you know from past experience it probably won't last). Reason goes out the window; emotions take over.
I may be overreaching with the comparison here, but I'd imagine that's why you'd take him back again and again.
He is a jerk, but I also try to understand what drives these men to behave the way they do. What is it that he's doing for these few weeks of MIA that means he has no time to spend with you? Is it work or some other unavoidable obligation? If it's that, then maybe with communication it's something you guys could work out. Did you used to freak out in the beginning when he wanted time for himself and so he has some sort of justification for wanting to avoid that type of behavior again?
If he is not spending his MIA time on something obligatory, then I think he is a selfish jerk and it's probably not something that could be worked through. In that case, remind yourself often that you just want the comfort of the familiar, which is the only reason why you are taking him back. The reasonable part of you does not agree with this decision (which is why you posted here.) I guess you (and I) need to consciously shift our thinking when we start to crave the familiar -- consciously shift back to reasonable thinking. We both know what is best for us.
Best,
Lil Lil Kitty