Can't let go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Can't let go...
40
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 4:47am

This is my first time to this site and I find it comforting in the late hours of the night when gried tends to strike the most and calling a friend is not an option. I have posted a response to many of the messages and am now going to post my story...

My ex and I broke up July 27th after a three year relationship. We became engaged after six months and moved in together shortly there after. The relationship was rocky from the start. Looking back I think it is because we went to fast. Early in our relationship he wrote me several heart felt poems and even though our relationship was tumultuous we connected with each other and fell in love. I broke up with him only because I felt like he was pushing me to do so. Three weeks had gone by and we had not seen each other. He said he was busy...yet he had time to go to a friends house after work. His behaviour made me nervous and I didn't know whether I was coming or going. He wasn't coming out and saying "I want to breakup" but his actions were like a sounding board. July 27th I called him after work, hoping that he would want to get together and end the distance that he had put between us. When I asked him what he was doing he told me he was sleeping. That just pushed me over the edge. I told him that we needed to breakup. He said "okay". I was floored, that was not the response I wanted and breaking up is not what I wanted either and yet I felt like he was pushing for me to do it because he was to much of a coward to do it himself. Since he responded as he had, without any question or fight, it only solidified that he was pushing me to do the dirty work.

What little pride and dignity I have left is all I cling to. I have made the biggest fool out of myself that sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize who I am. I keep trying to contact him, first it was through email and he didn't respond. I shot out one last email asking him to help me find closure because none of this was making sense. We were having trouble getting along but never did he stop telling me he loved me and our intimacy never waivered. I thought that the way we felt about each other would get us through our disagreements to a point where we had harmony. In his mind the conflict was pushing him further and further away. I have called him several times and apologized for my mistakes and I have told him how I feel about him because I didn't want to look back and wonder if he knew how I felt about him. I contacted him (face to face) yesterday and we talked for 45 minutes. He cried, said he was hurting but it (the relationship) just didn't work. I can't grasp that. Doesn't love conquer all? Never once did he say he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was still standing firm, ready to work through whatever it took to make the relationship work. I believe in love and I have always fought for what I want. I keep fighting but I am afraid that he has already laid down and died. I guess I thought we could work through anything and I am still in shock that he is going to walk away from me.

I just want to breathe again. I am tired of hurting and spending every moment thinking about him. He hasn't tried to contact me at all through all of this, I keep contacting him. I get impulsive and make bad decisions and in turn wind up looking like a complete idiot. In his eyes I am sure he doesn't even recognize the worm I have become. I am generally a very strong willful person but in this situation I have been reduced to a lower life form. I have never felt this kind of love before nor felt this kind of pain and quite frankly I don't know how to manuever through these uncharted waters. I am hoping that everything will make sense when I am able to look back on it six months from now, I only hope that the sense that I make of it is something that I can live with and does not wind up making me wonder "what if" or "I should have done this..." One thing I am sure of is you can bet he isn't sitting on a 'breakup' website at 2am wallowing in how much he misses me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 8:19pm

Wow, our stories are similiar. You are lucky to have found someone so quickly. I wish it were that easy for me. I don't really go out much so and I think guys are intimated of me when I am out at the store or in public so I don't get many offers. I think you are right another man tends to jump start our life again and I say good for you. If that is going to make you smile again then you should go for it. I certainly don't condemn rebound relationships because if I had the opportunity I would be doing the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 8:23pm
In our darkest hours is when we have little faith in ourselves. Try to remember that you landed this guy in the first place and there is no reason to believe that you won't be able to do that again. I feel funny handing out advise because I of all people can't even heed my own words but in some regards typing it out like this makes it start to sink in for me. Cheating is not a good thing and it would be very hard for you to trust this guy again. You deserve better. If there is anyway you can try NC for two weeks maybe you will be able to sit back and see things differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 8:28pm
Whatever you do don't rush yourself. The NC thing is still a concept I had trouble adhereing to even three months later. It was only after the last few conversations that I had with him where he was mean to me that I was able to really stick to not contacting him. I am already hurting I don't need to add to it by letting him treat me like crap. It will get better. If you want to contact him type out an email but don't send it. Get on this website and try to get your feelings out until you are exhausted. In time you will be just that, exhausted! You won't want to expend anymore energy on someone that does not recriprocate. Maybe you don't have to look at it as being over for good, maybe a year from now you will both come together again. Maybe once you get out of this pain you won't ever want him in your life again. Either way take care of you the best way you can. I promise it will start to feel less and less painful as the days go on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 8:34pm

I dealt with the same questions and confusion that you are dealing with. Notice I used the word "dealt" past tense. It has only been after three months of total anguish that I was able to stop obsessing over him. I realized that I don't want someone that doesn't want me. The whole idea is ridiculous. Even if I managed to talk him back into dating me again, isn't that just a patch over a much larger problem? It might make me feel better but ulitmately it is only prolonging another breakup and the pain all over again. Try the NC rule for two weeks. Set yourself a limit and stick to it. That is what I did. If I wanted to contact him I would write him an email and I wouldn't send it. A day later I would go back and read it and most of the time it would sound so pathetic or whimpy that I would be relieved that I never sent it and I would delete it. If you feel a weak moment coming on call a friend or get on this chat board, you might slip and fall a few more times before you are able to actually stop contacting him but in time you will start to feel better.

Good luck, take care of yourself (eat, sleep, drink lots of water)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 12:37pm
I think first things first. You are not an idiot and you did not make any drastic decisions! They were emotional...yes...but stupid..no! Three years is a very long time, and you know I dont care if you were with the guy for three months.... a heartbreak is a just that, a heart breaking. As women, we are emotional beings whether we like it or not. Its hard as it is, but Iam sure him crying his eyes out didnt help. You stop and think....if you love me and you care, then why cant you just do it? Be with me? Why end this... I think you are still strong and willfull. Its hard to do this. But I think its great that you have realized half the stuff that you mentioned. The fact that you wanan be able to look back and be satisfied with your decision says a lot. The fact that you want to "breathe again" is great. Think of how many women sit and mope around not wanting to do something for a very long time. Be strong..... I dont know you, but Iam sure you are a great person. Just keep telling yourself you will get through this and be fine. We Gals gotta stick together!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 1:54pm

Thank you for the kind words. Unfortunately, I found out yesterday that he has a girlfriend. I got upset and I called him to ask him if it was true and he denied it. Can anyone explain why he would lie about something like that? Why not just tell me the truth. The information came from a very good source and yet when I confront him about it he said he doesn't have a girlfriend and doesn't know why someone thinks that he does. I knew that sooner or later I was going to have to deal with this. I knew it would be the last hard hurdle, I just never expected that it would be less then 3 months after we broke up. He kept telling, up until last week that he is hurting just much as I am and that he has read my emails from when we first started dating. He said he tried to make it work and it just didn't. I guess all of this would be easier if there was consistent information, if he would have just said "yes, I have a girlfriend". Yes it would hurt but now I am sitting her wondering who is telling the truth and why would he lie to me about it. Why would he tell me he is hurting and then the next minute be interested in someone else.

The confusion is just adding to the misery. I don't have anything I can put my finger on. Part of me says it shouldn't matter but for some reason it does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 2:39pm

Not sure if this will help, but I started a relationship with a guy after a terrible heartbreak. He was great, sweet and smart, and he fell in love with me quick. Now the entire time I was thinking about my ex, missing him, dreaming about him, but logically new I needed to move on so thats what I was trying to do. It didn't work so well. My ex would contact me and come and see me, and find out when I wasn't with that guy. It tore me up because I wanted him. So I of course found reasons not to be with the rebound and broke it off. I knew I had to actually get my ex out of my system first. And after having a few rolls in the hay again with my ex he too dissappeared again. So back to healing square one. I finally initiated NC and stuck to it. And of course a few months later I run into rebound guy. And how refreshing, heres a great guy and he loves me so I'll make this work. I tried, and tried and I was not crying at night over ex so I thought what is it? He just wasn't "it" for me. I cared about him greatly, and I knew he was such a good guy. He would make some girl so happy, he was loyal and loving and yet I wasn't "in love" with him. So long story short, I had to break it off. There wasn't anyone else in the picture, I just knew it wouldn't work out. He was absolutely heartbroken a second time. ANd I cried, I cried when I broke it off. I cried because I hurt this guy so much. THEN out of the blue I went to the movies with a group of friends only a month later and I met someone. I was instantly crushing and interested and floored. We spent the next day with the mutual friends and stayed up all night talking and now 4 months later we are still together and talking of love and our futures. (I still can't believe it) But in regards to my rebound guy, he called me to get some more closure right after I had met my current bf. He asked me if I was seeing someone and I reluctantly said yes. I knew it would tear him up but I thought it would give him that final push to realize it was over. I could have lied to spare him but that might have given him hope. And I knew all too well what hope can do to a person who is still in love. I still care about that rebound guy, I hope he's not still suffering and finds love. It was only 1 month that I met someone so he was probably cursing me at how I could move on so quickly, when initially I wasnt even looking for anyone else. He never understood how you can care about someone but not want to be with them. I went through the same agonizing questions with my first ex, how could he enjoy my company (and sex) so much and continue to call me, not letting me move on, and still not want to be my boyfriend?? I stayed puzzled but when I finally cut him off for good I started to heal.

Lesson from all that mumbo jumbo? 1: people can choose to lie to spare your feelings, or be upfront and hurt you again. and 2: just because they care about you and even love you, doesn't mean that they are IN Love with you , enough to spend their life with you. And 3: I thought I would never get over a lost love, but a year and a half of breaking NC and even sleeping with him, and ungracefully hurting a rebound guy I actually got over it and when I wasn't even looking I met someone who is absolutely amazing. It really can happen, I promise.

Java, for your own peace of mind and heart, don't seek sources to find out your ex's business. Don't let people tell you what they know, and please try not to call him and confront him about anything. It is his choice to date or do whatever he wants and not really have to answer to you. I wish it was easy to let go, goodness we wouldn't be here venting and raging on and on about the pain and hurt. But we do in the end, have to let them go and begin to move on ourselves. For me it was a hard decision to make, to stop letting him call me, and stop analyzing every detail of our relationship because it was ultimately all in the past. I had to bite the bullet, bury my head in my pillow screaming that it wasn't fair that the one I loved didn't love me, and then wipe my eyes and finally ACCEPT IT, to move on.
You will get through this, but you have to *want* to and do the necessary steps to let that happen.

I wish you the best
Gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 3:49pm

He didnt tell you because he didnt want to look like the jerk that he is, my ex did the same thing, I know he was seeing someone else while we were together and then within a week of us breaking up he is suddenly with someone else? Highly unlikely, but he swears to our mutual friends that he never cheated on me, they just dont want to look like the bad guys and are cowards because they dont want to hear us cry and scream at them so they just avoid it. Women understand more on an emotional level that you need to be honest about your relationship, most guys even when they are in a normal loving relationship, dont want to talk about the relationship! So imagine how they feel when its bad, its just impossible for them, its easier to just walk away and not say a word than deal with hurting someone. The last 4 people I have been with over the past 10 years have cheated on me, and they all lied to my face and told me there was no one else. So at this point, I dont trust any of them!

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 5:02pm

I think you are right, several people have told me the same thing. He seems like he just wants me to go away so this would be the perfect solution to his problem however, I know he doesn't want me to be mad at him or hate him. He has a real problem with that. If he thinks I am mad at him he will call me and tell me that I don't have to hate him. Which I think is odd, why in the hell would he care if I hate him or not. If he knows that we are over and he never wants to have a relationship with me again why would he care?

How are you able to trust anyone based on being cheated on so much? I was cheated on way back when I was in my early twenties and I think it is still affecting me. I have a hard time trusting. I don't think it helps that within my social cirle over 50% have experienced cheating as well. I am not a cheater and never will be. I would rather poke both my eyes out with toothpicks before I would cheat. That is a quality about me that I think is rare these days and I think it makes me a valuable partner. I know I am good person, I do have trust issues and I am not perfect but I think the person who really wants to be with me will help me through that. I can't see how you would not be so scared with every new relationship you embark on that you would get hurt by cheating again. That really has got to be hard.

Lore'

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 5:36pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. It is encouraging to hear that there is love to be had in another if and when you are ready. What I hope for is to be able to feel free and to look back and feel like "thank God, I am not with my ex". I have tried very hard to break away. At first I held out hope that with a little space he would miss me far to much to not want to work it out. After time went on and he was not contacting me at all I started all the contact, email, phone calls, etc. I didn't want him to forget about me so I kept myself under his nose. I would let a week go by and then I would call or email. Last Friday we talked in person and he cried on and off and told me that he is hurting just as bad as I am, that everything I said I was going through so was he. He told me to call him anytime. I called the next day, Saturday, and he was not very nice on to me on the phone and come to find out there was a girl there. I was so humiliated and pissed that I said 'enough'. I walked away from it and told myself that I would take baby steps. I would start with NC for two weeks. I made it a little over a week and I was doing really well. I was actually starting to laugh again, I went to Borders and bought a couple of books, I was feeling very different, more in control. Then he called me at my office Monday morning! It totally set me back. I sent him and email right after we talked and I told him that my emotions are running so high that I get mad one minute then the next minute I am calm and apologizing. I told him that enough was enough, that we should not talk anymore, there is no reason to. I went home that night and that is when a friend called and told me about him seeing someone. I didn't ask, she more or less just blurted it out. I immediately called him and I was lunatic, it was horrible. I have made an a** out of myself so many times already. He denied that he is seeing someone and I just can't figure out why he would lie. We never had lying going on in our relationship, so I can't see why all of a sudden he wouldn't just help me reach closure. I was already angry so it is not like he was afraid it would make me mad. I basically hung up the phone telling him I hated him and never wanted to speak to him again. He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore so it should be easy for the NC rule to be adhered to from here on forward.