Can't let go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Can't let go...
40
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 4:47am

This is my first time to this site and I find it comforting in the late hours of the night when gried tends to strike the most and calling a friend is not an option. I have posted a response to many of the messages and am now going to post my story...

My ex and I broke up July 27th after a three year relationship. We became engaged after six months and moved in together shortly there after. The relationship was rocky from the start. Looking back I think it is because we went to fast. Early in our relationship he wrote me several heart felt poems and even though our relationship was tumultuous we connected with each other and fell in love. I broke up with him only because I felt like he was pushing me to do so. Three weeks had gone by and we had not seen each other. He said he was busy...yet he had time to go to a friends house after work. His behaviour made me nervous and I didn't know whether I was coming or going. He wasn't coming out and saying "I want to breakup" but his actions were like a sounding board. July 27th I called him after work, hoping that he would want to get together and end the distance that he had put between us. When I asked him what he was doing he told me he was sleeping. That just pushed me over the edge. I told him that we needed to breakup. He said "okay". I was floored, that was not the response I wanted and breaking up is not what I wanted either and yet I felt like he was pushing for me to do it because he was to much of a coward to do it himself. Since he responded as he had, without any question or fight, it only solidified that he was pushing me to do the dirty work.

What little pride and dignity I have left is all I cling to. I have made the biggest fool out of myself that sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize who I am. I keep trying to contact him, first it was through email and he didn't respond. I shot out one last email asking him to help me find closure because none of this was making sense. We were having trouble getting along but never did he stop telling me he loved me and our intimacy never waivered. I thought that the way we felt about each other would get us through our disagreements to a point where we had harmony. In his mind the conflict was pushing him further and further away. I have called him several times and apologized for my mistakes and I have told him how I feel about him because I didn't want to look back and wonder if he knew how I felt about him. I contacted him (face to face) yesterday and we talked for 45 minutes. He cried, said he was hurting but it (the relationship) just didn't work. I can't grasp that. Doesn't love conquer all? Never once did he say he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was still standing firm, ready to work through whatever it took to make the relationship work. I believe in love and I have always fought for what I want. I keep fighting but I am afraid that he has already laid down and died. I guess I thought we could work through anything and I am still in shock that he is going to walk away from me.

I just want to breathe again. I am tired of hurting and spending every moment thinking about him. He hasn't tried to contact me at all through all of this, I keep contacting him. I get impulsive and make bad decisions and in turn wind up looking like a complete idiot. In his eyes I am sure he doesn't even recognize the worm I have become. I am generally a very strong willful person but in this situation I have been reduced to a lower life form. I have never felt this kind of love before nor felt this kind of pain and quite frankly I don't know how to manuever through these uncharted waters. I am hoping that everything will make sense when I am able to look back on it six months from now, I only hope that the sense that I make of it is something that I can live with and does not wind up making me wonder "what if" or "I should have done this..." One thing I am sure of is you can bet he isn't sitting on a 'breakup' website at 2am wallowing in how much he misses me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 7:04am

I think thats why I am having such a hard time letting go of this relationship, I knew he was cheating, but I just figured that all the rest of them did too so I might as well just stay where i'm at with the one I love because the next guy will probably do it too. My sister has been divorced twice, 2 cheating husbands, I lost hope in the fact that a guy who doesnt cheat is out there, which is why I am now going to a therapist to try and regain trust, hopefully it works because I think the problems I have with relationships is I dont have trust from the beginning and accuse them of cheating maybe when they arent and they get pissed off and then we have problems the rest of the relationship from my insecurities in a sense making my worst nightmare come true that they do cheat because they are sick of me accusing them all the time, I know I have to try and get thru this with therapy or I will never have a healthy relationship.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 2:35pm

My ex accused me of the same thing. I was having a hard time trusting him but at the same time I think he was leading that insecurity. He always had a different opinion about something depending on what day you ask him. How can someone trust anyone when you don't know how they truly feel about something. When you carry that over into what they are expressing about how they feel for you then you sit back and go "well how am I supposed to believe you when tomorrow you could feel completely different". My ex is very confused. I don't think he knows himself. I do have trust issues but not so much that I can't get past it with the right person. When I look around and see a lot of cheating I think why should I just trust someone right off the bat, trust has to be earned and in my opinion I was trying to get their with my ex but everytime I turned around he would say something that made me think "where in the hell did that come from?" There were times in our relationship where I would question him but it was not constant and oddly enough he can't be perfect because every one of his ex's has cheated on him. So he might need to evaluate how he is treating the women in his life for them to feel like they need to seek the affecction of another.

Lore'

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 10:07am
Hi, I stumbled across this message board whilst looking on the net for inspiration on how to get over my recent breakup. I really wanted to reply to yours as so much of what you said hit a chord with me.
Im not sure if you will want to know but I wil give you a brief rundown of my relationship and breakup. I met my ex whilst at uni I had been single for a year and complety happy with being single, I wasnt looking for a boyfriend. He was the most perfect guy I had ever met he was a complete gentleman and made me so happy. Our relationship continued to be great for the next two years and we decided to move in together. We made so many plans together and I believed that we would be togther for the rest of our lives. All of this change however a month ago when completly out of the blue he told me that in June 2006 he was going to go travelling for a year and he didnt want to take me with him, and on his return he would be moving 150 miles away from me for a new job. This news hit me so hard as it was complety out of the blue, as far as I knew everthing was fine between us and in a couple of weeks time we would be moving in together. It was a complete shock to me that he after a great two years together and making so many plans he didnt actually think we had a future. We decided that we would carry on as normal until he left for travelling but things werent the same, so two weeks ago I decided to break up with him thinking it was best to o it now rather then waste another 8 months with him when I could spend that time finding some one I could have a future with. He took it well as he thought it was for the best, however since I did it I have been so unhappy, I have been crying most days, and spending my time tourturing myself by looking at all our old memories and letters promising each other we would be together forever. I miss the intimacy so much, I just miss being so close to someone, an having some to love and kiss every day. Whats worse is that we still live togther, I can see him every day as happy as can be, he shows no emotion and because he knew it was for the best we broke up thinks that we shouldnt waste time being sad over each other. It hurts so much for me to see him happy when Im hurting so much inside. As you said I dont believe he has spent any time being upset over me, so why is it so hard for me when I know the only option we had was to break up. I feel that everthing was so great and I will never find that with anyone ever again and I want it so much.
Anyway it will be good to hear from you and how your doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 12:00pm

Your story is a very sad one much more then some of the others that I have read on this site. I say that because you didn't have a bad relationship, there weren't any warning signs and that has to leave you feeling confused. I completely know how you feel about the rehashing of your memories together and missing the closeness. Believe me I have been a crazy person the past two months, I have watched myself act in a manner that is very unlike me. I have had no control over my emotions. The hardest part is re-defining what you have before you now. You were going along living a life with someone thinking you knew how this person felt for you and you felt secure in your life with him. Now you have to redefine what it is you have. That is hard to do,it is almost like you are left to pick up the pieces yet none of it makes any sense to you.

You really do need closure, you really need some sort of an explanation as to why all of a sudden he no longer wants to be with you. I don't understand how men appear happy in situations like this. My ex was the same way. He was going out and hanging out with his friends everyday. Having people over at his house and carrying on like normal. Someone did tell me once that this is just how men deal with this type of thing. I know my ex was hurting after we broke up but he was unhappy and he felt like he tried to fix it and it just didn't work. So his only option was to walk away. I asked him why it was that he appeared to be having a good old time and he said he is just staying busy so he doesn't have to sit around and think about it and hurt. He said he drinks because it takes away the pain.

It has been almost three months and still I am hurting, I don't cry as much but I catch myself getting emotional every now and again. My friends are all tired of me now and have told me I need to get over it. That really angers me because this is not something I am enjoying. I have three years of memories and emotions to put somewhere and I don't know where to put them. Part of me is in denial and doesn't want to let go. I am 36 years old and this is the first person I have ever felt this strongly for and I just don't know how to deal with any of this. The final blow for me was I just heard this week that he is seeing someone. I was shocked because before with past breakups he would go for long lengths of time without dating. It was like he was in mourning and just didn't have the energy to deal with another relationship and relished in being alone again. By his admission I am the first girl he has ever asked to marry him and the he ever felt so strongly for. He wrote me three poems in the first year we were together. So, why is he capable of already being able to be with someone else when in the past he spent months alone after a breakup. None of it makes any sense and I am forced to view what I thought I had to what I ACTUALLY have. It is hard. I wish I could tell you that you will wake up tomorrow and feel fine. I have not been fine for three months. I am just letting time slowly erase him and it is agonizing.

They say that a breakup is the second most painful experience a person can go through in life. So don't be hard on yourself, let yourself go through the pain, cry when you have to and talk it out as much as you can to whomever will listen. Everything you are feeling is completely normal and in time it will pass. I too feel like I will never have this again but so many people tell me that is just not true and they all tell me that one day I will look back and thank God I am not with my ex anymore. At this point because of the frame of mind I am in right now I don't believe them but I am praying that they are right.

java

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 5:10pm
HI, i truly understand what r u going thru. i guess my first question to u is that does he make u happy do u feel that u cant live without him because if that is the case then fight for your love. Love will conquor all!!!!!!!!!!Fight for it because no one else will that is what i am doing
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 7:33pm

We had our share of difficulties and it is those difficulties that he said he could not deal with. He wound up in the end thinking that the relationship was nothing but bad, that was all he was able to see when we finally broke up. I love him like I have never loved anyone in my life. He is the first person that I ever tried to change things about myself in order to make our relationship better. I am not perfect and there are things that I need to change in order to be with someone. I felt the same way "love will conquer all" but if I am in love and he is no longer then that means I am fighting a losing battle. I would love to try again with him, I would love for both of us to really put the effort in but he says it shouldn't be this hard, that when it is right it doesn't take this much effort. To answer you question, I did fight for him for two months. I wouldn't let a week go by without emailing or calling. I almost lost all my dignity and self respect in the process. At what point do you stop trying? After all the emails and all the phone calls, we even saw each other and talked in person a few weeks ago and if that did not spark something then nothing will. He seems to be gone and earlier this week I heard he had a girlfriend. I did confront him about it, making even more of an a** out of myself since really it is none of my business and he told me wasn't seeing anyone but in my heart I really think he is. I think it is just another way for him to stop hurting and to get over me.

I am a wreck right now. I can tell you the last two months have been a total blur. I have been numb and I think about him almost to an unheatlhy level. I keep wondering what I will feel like when I make it out of all this. My friends are tired of hearing about it and if I try to talk about it they switch the subject or they avoid me. This message board has been a life saver for me, there are so many caring understanding people that it makes this time for me a little more bearable.

Java.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 8:21pm
well I have read your posts and feel the same way as most of you. I broke up with my boyfriend 3 and half weeks ago. We did not speak for the first week at all - which is hard as we live across the hall from one another. The following week we spent every evening and every night together. I was hoping we would get back together as I love him and I want to be with him. I broke up with him thinking I could not take it anymore and now I think back and think I was so wrong. I tried my best at getting back together with him. He tells me he doesn ot want me back and does not want a relationship with me. It hurts so bad. I cry all the time and I can't get him out of my head. Our relationship was great and we fought over one thing and ione thing only. It was the amount of female friends he had. I now realize I was silly to argue about this as I knew he loved me and wanted me only. I feel like such a fool now. To lose someone you love over something so silly. I want the pain to go away. This week is the first week I have went to the gym - saw friends through out the week and actually woke up at a decent hour to get things done but I feel the days long and sad. I spent 3 hours making spaghetti sauce and then cried throughout all of dinner because I was alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 9:47pm

Sometimes it helps to get an outsiders perspective and from what you wrote it really seems like his behavior caused you to break up with him in the first place. You are second guessing yourself but there must have been something that made you break it off with him. I know in hindsight it seems like you would have been better off just keeping your mouth closed because at least then you would still have your boyfriend but in time without the situation being discussed and worked on you would have been even more miserable. In other words I think you would have just prolonged your pain. Is it better to stay with someone just to say you have someone even though they aren't making you feel good? You have to also look at the fact that he didn't try to talk you out of it or fight for you. That has to mean that he was fully aware of his behavior towards you knowing that it might push you away. I can't see why he would just say "hm, okay, if you want to break up fine". Any man who loves you with all his heart will not put you in a situation that is going to make you feel uncomfortable. If you look around so many people are cheating and the divorce rate is sky rocketing often because of cheating. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with him having so many girls for friends. If he truly cared he would have tried to make it so you felt more comfortable.

I know where you are coming from because I too broke it off with my boyfriend. I later thought why didn't I just hang in there but you know what? Now that I am able to look back he really wasn't making me happy that is why I wanted to break up. Did I think the threat of breaking up would make him wake up? Most definitely. Instead he just said "fine". Looking back I can see that he was pushing me into being the one to breakup. He had distanced himself from me for three weeks and in a desperate attempt to figure out what he wanted I broke it off. Since he was okay with it I realized that this was the outcome he wanted he just didn't want to be the one to do the breaking up. He didn't want to be the bad guy. It has been almost three months and it still hurts like it was yesterday. I am just waiting for the day that I am able to wake up and feel good again. I have been consumed with thoughts of him and the final blow came this week when a mutual friend told me he had a girlfriend. I am trying to hold my head up high but it has been a huge blow to my self esteem and I struggle finding my worth. I also felt like I was the one who destroyed our relationship, that it was all me and that is just not possible, they have to have some role in it as well. As they say "it takes two". It is hard to come to grips with our role in the breakup because it is hard to admit that we brought on so much pain to ourselves.

I have had to come to the realization that if it was meant to be it would be. That is, if he wanted to be with me I would not be in this pile of crap that I find myself in. Going to the gym is a great way for you to feel like you are accomplishing something. Don't feel like he is the only guy out there. I know you have a lot of memories swirling around in your head but in time they will start to fade. I won't tell you that the process to healing is an easy one but if you just keep pushing forward and believe in yourself you will make it.

Java

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 8:01am
Its going on a month now my ex and I broke up and this morning is really bad, I dreamed about him last nite and woke up in tears. When does this get better?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:13am
It will get better girlie. Dont worry, there are going to be nights like that. I know it hurts...I havent been able to sleep on my bed for the past week, because I swear I can still smell him, even after washing the sheets. It sucks. I am trying to keep myself as busy as I can...but in the end I am still going to be alone. Be strong, it will get better....My ex and I havent talked for 5 days now....I keep crossing the dates on my calendar as each day goes by....it helps knowing that time still goes on. I hate he mornings..I was used to him waking me up with hugs and kisses. Its always the small things that hurt too. Anyways Keep chatting it will get better...hopefully it helps to know that there is someone else out there that feels the same kind of helplessness.