Can't let go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Can't let go...
40
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 4:47am

This is my first time to this site and I find it comforting in the late hours of the night when gried tends to strike the most and calling a friend is not an option. I have posted a response to many of the messages and am now going to post my story...

My ex and I broke up July 27th after a three year relationship. We became engaged after six months and moved in together shortly there after. The relationship was rocky from the start. Looking back I think it is because we went to fast. Early in our relationship he wrote me several heart felt poems and even though our relationship was tumultuous we connected with each other and fell in love. I broke up with him only because I felt like he was pushing me to do so. Three weeks had gone by and we had not seen each other. He said he was busy...yet he had time to go to a friends house after work. His behaviour made me nervous and I didn't know whether I was coming or going. He wasn't coming out and saying "I want to breakup" but his actions were like a sounding board. July 27th I called him after work, hoping that he would want to get together and end the distance that he had put between us. When I asked him what he was doing he told me he was sleeping. That just pushed me over the edge. I told him that we needed to breakup. He said "okay". I was floored, that was not the response I wanted and breaking up is not what I wanted either and yet I felt like he was pushing for me to do it because he was to much of a coward to do it himself. Since he responded as he had, without any question or fight, it only solidified that he was pushing me to do the dirty work.

What little pride and dignity I have left is all I cling to. I have made the biggest fool out of myself that sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't even recognize who I am. I keep trying to contact him, first it was through email and he didn't respond. I shot out one last email asking him to help me find closure because none of this was making sense. We were having trouble getting along but never did he stop telling me he loved me and our intimacy never waivered. I thought that the way we felt about each other would get us through our disagreements to a point where we had harmony. In his mind the conflict was pushing him further and further away. I have called him several times and apologized for my mistakes and I have told him how I feel about him because I didn't want to look back and wonder if he knew how I felt about him. I contacted him (face to face) yesterday and we talked for 45 minutes. He cried, said he was hurting but it (the relationship) just didn't work. I can't grasp that. Doesn't love conquer all? Never once did he say he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was still standing firm, ready to work through whatever it took to make the relationship work. I believe in love and I have always fought for what I want. I keep fighting but I am afraid that he has already laid down and died. I guess I thought we could work through anything and I am still in shock that he is going to walk away from me.

I just want to breathe again. I am tired of hurting and spending every moment thinking about him. He hasn't tried to contact me at all through all of this, I keep contacting him. I get impulsive and make bad decisions and in turn wind up looking like a complete idiot. In his eyes I am sure he doesn't even recognize the worm I have become. I am generally a very strong willful person but in this situation I have been reduced to a lower life form. I have never felt this kind of love before nor felt this kind of pain and quite frankly I don't know how to manuever through these uncharted waters. I am hoping that everything will make sense when I am able to look back on it six months from now, I only hope that the sense that I make of it is something that I can live with and does not wind up making me wonder "what if" or "I should have done this..." One thing I am sure of is you can bet he isn't sitting on a 'breakup' website at 2am wallowing in how much he misses me!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:08am

hey, dont worry look i am going thru a similar thing just that with my boyfriend he says he wants to take things slowly and in my heart i feel that is another death sentence for me to and the last month has been unbearable for me and u know what sometimes we have to play them at there game.......let go and see what happens, there will come a point where he will realise what he has lost for an example a few years ago my boyfriend and i split up i called him and called him and he called too but i felt like he wasnt trying hard enough like i was so around thaksgiving i gave up and found someone to have fun and get over like the rebound thing.anyways 2 months later he calls and asks if i was dating anyone and i sed yes well it started there he begged and begged for me to take him back it was so bad that he followed me to the uk on my xmas visit to the UK to win my heart back and thats what he did......and i took him back and we made it work till now u see there are more complications with us which would not apply to u i will explain some other time however now i am going to back off......and i will see what will happen sometimes u need to give up and relax and be a little laid back........and as off dignity and respect can u touch and feel it u cant so dont worry about that, these are the things u do for LOVE and i think it makes u a better person i feel we are so alike and i will be here for you, i live in WI milwaukee and maybe we can help each other and u can call me even if its late at nite and i will never be tired of listeneing cus believe me i can go on and on and on but u need to lookafter yourself, eat well and sleep well.........sometimes we have to pretend like its not bothering us and act like we dont care and thats what will bother him if u see what i mean and honestly go out and get something on the side for fun it will help u i know this advice may sound somewhat weird and inappropriate but we are only humans and u cant live each day wondering, wishing and crying u dont know whats going to happen next week or next month so please please take care and keep your mind occupied....

Kirsn kang

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 1:51pm

I read your entry and almost started to cry myself. It brought back those times that I had and still sometimes do. I wish I could tell you when it gets better but it has been almost three months for me and I am still hurting. Granted the pain is much less then it was initially but the first month was very difficult for me as well. Everyone has their own healing time, for some it takes little time for others it takes a while. I think it all depends on the depth of the relationship and the effort you put into it while you were together. I know for me it will be another few months before I am able to not have tears well up in my eyes when I think of my ex. The holidays are going to be a bit of a set back because no one likes to be alone during the holidays.

Keep talking to anyone and everyone that will listen. Write a letter to your ex but don't send it. Try to avoid things that remind you of him, music, tv shows, places, etc. Take care of yourself by eating and drinking lots of water because if your body isn't healthy the depression over your love loss will be amplified. You will be far able to deal with this better if your body has the energy and nutrients it needs. I found that going for long brisk walks or jogging really helped me feel better even though it was for the short term at least I had a reprieve from the pain.

We have to believe in ourselves; we have to know that there is someone else that is going to come along because they will. Try to take care of yourself and cry when you have to as much as you have to. You loved someone and it should hurt like this when they are gone, feel proud that you were able to give of yourself in that way. Just because one person doesn't want us does not mean that we are ugly or have nothing to offer. Sometimes it is that other person who has the problem not us. And you know what? Someone isn't going to want them one day either, it is just the nature of dating. I know how hard it is to be sleeping peacefully, feeling a reprieve from the pain, only to wake up and suddenly realize the reality of your situation and you instantly go from peace to feeling sick to your stomach and your heart aching.

I am here for you with any advise I can offer. I am a little further along in the pain process but not so far along that I can't identify with everything you are feeling.

Lore'

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 2:10pm

Thank you so much for your response. I think there is a lot of truth in what you had to say. For over two months I would not let more then a week go by without trying to contact him, making up excuses to contact him. But it started to get so ugly and I found that I felt worse after a conversation with him rather then better. I decided that I would back off and disappear. I was making myself availabe to him by calling him and I was letting him know that I am basically sitting here waiting for him. Not only is that pathetic on my part but what an ego boost for him. At this point he would have to come crawling back with more then just words, he would have to have realistic ideas on how to move forward with the relationship. I have been hurting so bad and things have been said that I am not even sure I can forgive. I watched him change from someone I spent three years with to someone I barely recognize. He looks like my ex but yet is a complete stranger.

There are people on this message board that ask me when will it get better and I am the wrong person to ask that question to because I am still hurting and at the end of this month it will be three months. Somedays are obviously better then others but it is the 'others' that I wish would just go away. I want to breathe again, I mean really take a deep breathe and fill my lungs and feel at peace. Right now everything hurts. My whole body has flipped out due to the stress and depression. I am taking care of myself by eating, taking vitamins, drinking lots of water, and jogging. The jogging helps me clear my head and temporarily I feel empowered.

I don't have any family here and all my friends are married so they have little time to spend with me. As a result I don't go out very often.

I have a good friend who used to live up here who moved back home which is Milwaukee! I have talked to her a little bit but it seems like most of my friends have grown tired of it and they feel like I should be over it by now. Incidentally, all of my friends have been with their partners for over 10 years and have no idea what I am going through. The fact that they are unable to see my situation and support me really is upsetting. I almost want to ditch them from my life and maybe once I am able to think clearly I just might do that. They think he was all wrong for me anyway, they think that is the best thing that could have happened because we were just not compatible. Well what about LOVE? How in the hell was I able to love this person if all that is true. I am 36 years old and have never loved anyone in my whole life like I loved my ex. I was willing to change things about me that were not my core values in order to have a relationship with him. Maybe he is happy without me, maybe he feels liberated and free.

Lore'

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 2:44pm
I am 36 too and feel exactly the same way, he was 8 years younger than me and my sister says I went from his girlfriend to his mother and that was the beginning of the end, I stopped getting dressed up, wore sweat pants all the time , not wearing as much make up, completely changed who I was trying to fit in with his younger friends, cooked and cleaned for him, hoping that if i somehow proved how domesticated I was and could take care of a man he would say hey, I want her to be my wife and mother of my children, all it did was backfire, he wasnt attracted to me anymore because I wasnt the person he was attracted to, who got dressed up and did everything on my own, completely independent, I i turned into this person who didnt want to leave his side for a minute, afraid he would go out with his friends and meet someone younger so i basically discouraged it, and him not wanting conflict went along with it, so we fought all the time, him wanting space, me afraid to give it to him, so he's gone and I blame myself, if I had just not changed who I was for him, stayed the person who he was attracted to, maybe we would still be together, now he is with someone else, and it hurts so bad, that i realize the things that were wrong, but that they cant be taken back or changed, we lived together mostly at my insistence as I look back now, I wanted to show him what a good wife I would make, and I wish I had taken things slower, it's the what ifs that are killing me. Its the knowing that even if he showed up at my door tomorrow, too many things were said and done that we couldnt go back, but still wishing in the back of my mind that he would.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 3:22pm

Oh so true, I feel the same way. If my ex showed up on my door I too think so much has been said and he has left me for too long to hurt. What we had has been destroyed; the sanctitiy that we had of only being exclusive to each other. For three years we were exclusive to each other and if he has slept with someone else it would be hard to forgive that. I can't be with anyone else. It is emotionally impossible, the idea makes me sick to my stomach. I will spend many more months alone not because I can't get anyone but because I want to. I want to let my feelings for him fade away and I want my heart to be completely free of him before I will be with someone else. I think that is true love.

Please don't beat yourself up. I made mistakes in my relationship and I have learned from those mistakes. I won't make them again. However, you cannot be 100% to blame, it takes two. How can you blame yourself for wanting something so badly that you tried to change yourself to achieve it, that is admirable. If it proved that it did not work then maybe next time try to be yourself. We all make mistakes. If you don't learn from them then you will find yourself in the same boat time and time again. The reality with men is that they like a challenge. In many ways they are more productive in a dating relationship if they feel they don't have quite 100%. This is a biological thing that dates back to the days where a man's sole purpose was to procreate and keep the species going. They are creatures that desire challenges and chasing after things. There are so many variables but the bottom line is if someone wants to be with us they will. The relationship will progress from dating to marriage. Perhaps your ex was still immature and all of it was just to much seriousness for him. Men mature much later then women and I am convinced that it is not until they are in their late 30's that they settle down. My ex was 36 and very immature. His world is his friends and when can he get home to get his next beer. I have two kids. He never wanted kids, in fact he went so far as to get a vasectomy when he was 29 because he knew that he never wanted the respoonsibility. I do believe that part of my breakup has to do with the fact that I have kids. I think if someone truly loves another then all the other things can be worked out because my ex could go and date someone who doesn't want or have kids and that is not going to guarantee that they will have a great relationship that lasts a lifetime. Just because you change the variables does not guarantee a perfect life with someone.

I think next time I will be a little harder for someone to get to know and to start a relationship with me. I am going to hold back a lot and I think that is a survival thing and nothing else. We have to look out for ourselves because no one else is going to. In many ways this painful experience has hardened me, will I punish someone else for it? No, but I am not going to just throw myself into it right off the bat, I will remain reserved in order to protect myself. This pain has been a lesson learned. If my ex is seeing someone else, more power to him. I happen to know that he did not give himself enough time to get me out of his heart and he is just setting himself up for a fall. He told me a few weeks ago that he is still hurting and that means that I still hold a place in his heart.

Lore'

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 3:01pm

sorry i have not been able to email u lately, i have been going thru my bull???? god..i broke with him today and i just f?????? hate life right now.........i know he is dating someone else and that hurts even more i am not going to have any contact with him and as for u my sweetpea i am sorry but i have finally broken down and i cant get up so i am in no place to be giving out advice only that i f?????? hate himyself and her .........it will only get harder.....sorry i let u down

kiran

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 5:01pm

First of all, you haven't let me down. You are in a stage that I have already lived through, I should say 'survived' through and it is only normal for you to feel the way you are. Try to find some peace with yourself, even if it only lasts momentarily each day, it will be enough to help you get through this. It is very hard and it hurts even worse when you think of them with someone else, believe me I am in the same boat. The thing to remember is that you are worth every bit of being loved by someone, just because one person does not see it or want it does not make you worthless. Rejection is a hard emotion to deal with, it forces us to look at ourselves through a magnifying glass and we pick ourselves apart...you know what? Someone isn't going to want our ex's someday either, that is just the way it works until you find someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. I finally realized what an idiot I was, chasing after someone who doesn't want to be with me, who has looked at me and all I have to offer and said "hmmm, no thanks". I can't make my ex want me and I can't continue to look weak and pathetic by chasing him. I am the one that looks the fool.

Do whatever it takes to have NC, that is the first step. Don't stay at home, force yourself to continue what you normally do because you don't want to ruin your life over someone especially when they are not worth it, then they win. They break you and they win. Try to stand tall, hell, go pickup a rebound relationship if the distraction will help. Make sure you take care of yourself physically...eat right, drink lots of water, take vitamins, go for walks, etc. Believe me if you deplete your body, you won't be able to fight the battle that is ahead of you. If your body is nutritionally sound then you will be able to fight this a lot better, trust me, the brain has a way of amplifying the depression if it is not healthy.

Talk to everyone and anyone who will listen. Write down your feelings in a letter but don't send it. You can get through this, trust me, I was in your shoes a month ago and although I am not in the clear yet, I feel so much better then I did. It doesn't hurt as much as it used. If your ex wants to rebound, let him, who gives a sh$# because you have to look out for YOU and we can only hope that this new girl stomps all over his @ss like he did to you. Try, try, try to stay away from him because I made an @ss out of myself several times because I could not abide by that one rule. He does not have to know how you are hurting, it will only fuel him in the opposite direction. Let him wonder.

Take care...I will try to help in anyway I can. Only time is going to get you out of this one but I can be an ear and maybe typing it out will make you feel better.

java

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 3:45pm

java

I just emailed to see how u r doing........mannn this is hard aint it i wouldnt even wish this kind of pain to my worst enemy. I just hope u are taking care of yourself and keeping that mind occupied and busy......

Kiran

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 4:31pm

You and Java are playing my song.

Now that I have found this board I know where to go in the middle of the night.

It's been 11 days since my boyfriend said he is really screwed up, needs space and does not know how long he needs - - so we ended it. We talked again last week, he is feeling all the things I am feeling, not sleeping, unhappy and he seems to be thinking about our relationship a lot - - based on what he has said.

We dated 9 months, he is a divorced Dad, with a witch of an ex-wife and between all the issues with her and financial difficulties he id dealing with, he just can't add a relationship into the mix anymore. I am really disappointed - - like Java, I was ready to stand and fight, because this was a guy I KNEW was the one for me...and he did too - - at least until recently. I wanted to marry this man (which is saying a lot for me - -divorced almost 12 years). But, alas, he is giving up on it.

I am trying SO HARD to have no contact but it is really hard. Today, I vowed 10 days contact-free. And when I get past that 10, I will do 10 more, etc.

It just hurts like HE&* and I want it all to go away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 5:08pm

Yes, I am even REPLYING to myself now.....I wonder if this means I have taken to talking to myself.

I just wanted to add that I have two fabulous things in my life to look forward to, and all I can do is focus on this man that I love and his inability to get his SH&% together.

I am three weeks, count em, three...from finishing my MBA...

I am about 5 or 6 months from going to China to get my precious little girl I am in the process of adopting.

These things are life-changing big deal events - - and all I can seem to do is get through my job (barely), write papers and cry about this bozo who sudddenly has had the need to be alone. I will admit it, he has a lot to process, we met too soon after his divorce BUT dang it, I know lots of couples who are married who met either just before or just after their divorces were final. We did not intend to fall in love, but we met, we did and now on with the business of falling out.

TIMING problems are the worst. I almost wish he HAD cheated, or said my thights were too fat OR SOMETHING other than hitting rock bottom emotionally. I could at least get really angry about those things, but just to give up....really stinks.

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