Can't Let Go
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| Fri, 07-29-2005 - 8:58am |
Well,
I wrote my story here a few days ago. My ex-bf is now like a completely different person. I feel like I dont know him anymore. For example, where before he used to always call me when he said he was going to, even sometimes just to say hello for no reason, now he pretty much never calls when he says he will. He never wants to see me. He says mean things, things he never would've said before. So much more other differences, I cant even begin to write them all. Anyway, i'm chalking it up to this is a new man, the man who is NOT on painkillers, not the man I met. The man I met basically doesn't exist. I guess this is the REAL man. But I just can't help but keep missing the man I fell in love with. It's obvious he wouldn't care if he ever talked to me again, and that hurts me so much. Now it's like i'm obsessing over this whole thing. Like I can't let it or him go. If I dont hear from him, I call him even though I know I shouldn't. I have the code to his cell phone, and i've been checking it. I know that's horrible but I have been. I've been calling him at work. It's like, I never got my answers from him as to why all this happened and I feel i'm entitled to some explanation. Why would someone talk marriage and buying a house and all the things he talked about and how he treated me, to always having excuses as to why he cant see me and all of a sudden doing a complete 180 personality wise. I'm guessing it's like I said. It's not really the man I met. I dont know, but i'm hurt, confused, and i'm starting a new job on monday, so this isn't helping. I'm an emotional wreck. Please help.

Jacki ... you need to "LET GO" ... contacting him, checking his messages, etc ... is not HELPING you ... it's HURTING you. It's time to let go.
Take this for what it's worth ... but, the man you wanted to be with was an ADDICT. He was addicted to painkillers ... and now he's not.
Now, ask yourself ... is an addict an appealing option?
You see, this is a BLESSING in disguise. Had he not got off painkillers, sure ... perhaps he would have continued to be the 'guy you thought he was' ... knowing that someone who's substance addicted is just a good imitation of a wholly functional person ... therefore, you didn't really know him ... but, eventually, he would have taken the path he did to get clean ... only later down the road ... you would have much more emotionally invested and enmeshed. You don't have to believe me ... but, I was with an addict for almost 5 years (while addicted, sober and during recovery) ... you need to be GRATEFUL that this happened now ... at 6 mos into the relationship ... and not later. A good friend of mine right now is trying to let go of his 8 year relationship with an alcoholic ... the level of emotional investment and enmeshment at that point makes it amazingly difficult to do ... be grateful that you didn't get to the point of losing yourself in his addiction and recovery ... spend enough time with any addict, and if you don't 'get' what's going on ... that's what happens.
Because ... you see Jacki, you're trying to compare this to a 'normal' relationship ... and whenever a substance is in play ... it's not 'normal.'
You said << i'm chalking it up to this is a new man, the man who is NOT on painkillers, not the man I met. The man I met basically doesn't exist. I guess this is the REAL man. >>
Yes, he is a new man ... he's a man who's not addicted ... and that's a GOOD thing. That's something to be grateful about. No, the man you met doesn't exist ... because, that man was addicted to painkillers and this one isn't. However, what you're seeing right now isn't the REAL man ... not yet ... he's in recovery from his addiction ... he's learning how to cope with life again without having to turn to painkillers. Recovery takes some time ... and just because he's clean, doesn't mean he's recovered.
So, you may ask ... why is he treating me the way he's treating me right now?
I'll use a comparison here with what happens when a lot of 'drunks' get sober ... they go through something called being a 'dry drunk' .... basically, they're sober ... but, they're not recovered in that ... all those things that caused them to drink (or, in your ex-bf's case ... the things that drove him to take painkillers) ... a lot of those 'pains' are still there ... he's in the process of recovery.
And Jacki ... you have NO idea what type of rebuilding a person has to go thru mentally, physically, spiritually to be RECOVERED and not just clean and sober ... unless you've been thru or personally seen someone go thru that ... it's hard to understand ... all I can say, is trust me on that.
Becuase, though it's natural to be taking this personally ... as though it's 'he doesn't want me' ... when that's probably not what it's all about ... if you were to understand the nature of addiction ... you'd understand this better ... and understand that it's something to be grateful for ... anytime someone gets CLEAN ... that's something to be grateful for ... and that process sometimes needs to NOT include a third-party (meaning, a relationship with another person that could detract from the relationship he needs to be having with himself and his recovery).
He needs time to re-discover himself again ... the person he wants and needs to be without addictive pursuits. Unfortunately, doing so is often easier to do without the distraction of another person. In recovery programs and support groups ... they'll say to not end relationships that have been established for awhile ... and to gain your partner's support so that everything in your life isn't turned around on its head ... they're talking about marriages and LTRs ... and if not in a relationship, the suggestion is to not establish any romantic relationships for at least a year while the recovery addict focusing on recovery.
Your relationship with him was beginning when he was beginning his process toward getting clean ... in that, it wasn't invested ... and in that, he did the right thing by not continuing in it. He needs to be focusing on his recovery. I know that's hard to hear ... for you ... because it's not what you want .... but, believe me, it IS better for you this way too.
And, at this point, he probably can't even explain this as well as I can ... because he's going thru it and isn't fully understanding it yet himself, either.
I'm offering you a GIFT of an explanation here ... please take it at face value.
And, please do yourself a favor and detach from him ... no more phone calls ... you're only hurting yourself more ... he's not calling you to just say 'hello' because he's not your bf anymore ... he's not calling when he says he will b/c he's not your bf anymore ... if he's making excuses, it's b/c he's not your bf anymore ... that's something you have to ACCEPT ... and the sooner you do, the sooner you'll put yourself out of this turmoil. If he's saying mean things ... he probably doesn't want to be ... but, he IS going thru his own process right now ... and putting pressure on him to keep you in his life is probably causing him to 'lash out.'
LET GO ... it's a 'one day at a time' thing ... tell yourself, 'for this day, I promise myself that I will not contact him, I will not check his messages, I will not drive by his house, I will not do any of those things ... I WILL focus on myself!"
If you make that committment to yourself ... just for this day ... and then again tomorrow ... and the next day ... it will get easier. I PROMISE!
damit i feel you're pain. i'm kinda in the same boat. the ex broke up with me out of nowhere & did a full 180 with his life. only problem, we still live together. he won't leave. i can't move on till he moves out. he wanted away from me but he won't really leave. it's playing havoc on my emotions & ruining every other aspect of my life. i'm not sure what to say because i need tons of advice myself, that's why i'm here. my theory is that we've been so used to being with that person & confiding in them. we feel like our best friend is gone & we're not sure why. we have to stop letting our minds think about it too much. i do to the point of torture. and we have to pretty much keep busy with things to improve ourselves. i've been trying yoga, meditation, swimming, hanging out with friends, trying to meet new people & going online.
hope i helped...
<< only problem, we still live together. he won't leave. i can't move on till he moves out. he wanted away from me but he won't really leave. >>
This one is quite easy ... you give him a timeframe ... and that's that. Is it your place or is a place you rent and you're BOTH on the lease?
If he broke up with YOU ... it's his responsibility to take responsiblity and find a new place to live. Give him 30-days. The whole "he won't leave" thing is an excuse ... and if you give him an excuse to stay ... by not saying "ok, ex-bf ... you wanted out ... so, you've got 30 days" ... he's going to take his 'ol sweet time doing so because it's CONVENIENT for him that way.
If it's your place ... it's quite simple ... change the locks. He'll get the message loud and clear. And, no ... it's not mean ... it's taking care of yourself so that you can MOVE ON.
Good luck!
hey, thanks a lot. i know i have to do that.
it's been my place for 9 years now. he moved in 2 yrs ago. we were dating for a short time. then he needed a place to stay & i needed a roommate. so i let him move in.
so yeah, i'm gonna give him 30 days & after that change the locks.
thanks for the help. i really needed some rational advice because i'm on the terrible emotional rollercoaster.