can't make a decision...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2002
can't make a decision...
7
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 1:10am

hello...i really need some help and if anyone can shed some insight...i would be eternally grateful. i am 34 (turning 35 in april) my boyfriend is turning 33 in december. i want marriage and kids. he does not. we have been together for four years. we live in hawaii - we have made choices in our lives...he is a new boat captain, rides motorcycles, free spirit, kiteboarder. i work on sailboats and crew on snorkeling boats. we have a great life - it is incredibly fun. this life has required sacrifices - we have chose to give up financial security so we can live wild and free. this is his hang up about family at the moment - we are not ready and our lifestyle does not enable it easily. but i am still a traditional girl at heart and i want a baby so bad. he has made it very clear that he does not want this. we are on a break now. everyone says...oh just move on, find someone who wants what you want etc. etc. -- people tell me my biological clock is ticking and not to give all my 30s to this man. the flip side is, i love him. i love him with all my heart. now he loves me too - but he loves himself more. i used to personalize this and tell myself that i deserve more and i deserve better. AND I DO. i know that. but i realize that this man is who he is - he always will be. it is not that he DOESN'T love me - this is the best he can love. we tried counseling - it was ok. but then afterwards he wouldn't talk to me for a few days because it was so emotional he was exhausted. in therapy he would cry and profess his love. i know he loves me. we are at this crossroads. i am AFRAID of giving up this life that we have together. there is no one in the world that i have more fun with. there is no one in the world that challenges me like he does. he adds an energy and spark to my life that i really thrive on. he is gorgeous, smart, inspired, passionate, talented, exciting, sweet. i know if i get back together with him that my eyes are wide open - that i agree to give up marriage and kids and security. i can hope he will change, but chances are doubtful. or i could leave him - risk finding a man who wants marriage and kids - but never feel the passion and love that i have right now. or worse, end up alone. i know my choices. i just don't know what i want. i can't decide. i'm so paralyzed and fearful of making the wrong choice. we have been living apart since september and decided we would make a decision by november 15. we both are on month to month leases now so we would get a place together again december 1 if we choose to reconcile. i just don't know which dream to give up. i hate that i have to. i honestly do not know how to decide. please please help! thank you...

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 4:15pm

  There is a real choice.  The part is can you give up.  People who do not want children are serious.  Esp a "free sprit".  He does not want to be tied down and that is him. 

" marriage and kids and security"

    Security is an illusion so take that out of the equation.  That leaves marriage and children.  Some people do not want to be married.  That again is him. 

  So it boils down to shall you regret leaving him for a male who wants children and marriage: yet yearn for the excitement and passion of the current relationship.  There can be no regrets.  Remember, you must commit fully to which choice you choose.

  Recall that with financial planning the security can be yours.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 3:34am

Quick question from me before I respond: what makes you say that he loves himself more than he loves you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 5:44pm

I think marriage really isn't the big question cause people can stay together forever w/o being married--but it's children.  Only you can make the decision of whether you would give up having kids to stay w/ this guy--he's very clear that he doesn't want kids & you are sensible to realize that he isn't going to change his mind & you shouldn't try to change it either.  I think it puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on you to have an arbitrary date to make a decision.  I know that you need to consider housing but since you are on montly leases, why can't you just have the time you need to make a decision and know it's the right one?  I would recommend indiv. counseling for you if you're still having trouble making a decision.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 11:04am

ffechter wrote:
<p>hello...i really need some help and if anyone can shed some insight...i would be eternally grateful. i am 34 (turning 35 in april) my boyfriend is turning 33 in december. i want marriage and kids. he does not. we have been together for four years. we live in hawaii - we have made choices in our lives...he is a new boat captain, rides motorcycles, free spirit, kiteboarder. i work on sailboats and crew on snorkeling boats. we have a great life - it is incredibly fun. this life has required sacrifices - we have chose to give up financial security so we can live wild and free. this is his hang up about family at the moment - we are not ready and our lifestyle does not enable it easily. but i am still a traditional girl at heart and i want a baby so bad. he has made it very clear that he does not want this. we are on a break now. everyone says...oh just move on, find someone who wants what you want etc. etc. -- people tell me my biological clock is ticking and not to give all my 30s to this man. the flip side is, i love him. i love him with all my heart. now he loves me too - but he loves himself more. i used to personalize this and tell myself that i deserve more and i deserve better. AND I DO. i know that. but i realize that this man is who he is - he always will be. it is not that he DOESN'T love me - this is the best he can love. we tried counseling - it was ok. but then afterwards he wouldn't talk to me for a few days because it was so emotional he was exhausted. in therapy he would cry and profess his love. i know he loves me. we are at this crossroads. i am AFRAID of giving up this life that we have together. there is no one in the world that i have more fun with. there is no one in the world that challenges me like he does. he adds an energy and spark to my life that i really thrive on. he is gorgeous, smart, inspired, passionate, talented, exciting, sweet. i know if i get back together with him that my eyes are wide open - that i agree to give up marriage and kids and security. i can hope he will change, but chances are doubtful. or i could leave him - risk finding a man who wants marriage and kids - but never feel the passion and love that i have right now. or worse, end up alone. i know my choices. i just don't know what i want. i can't decide. i'm so paralyzed and fearful of making the wrong choice. we have been living apart since september and decided we would make a decision by november 15. we both are on month to month leases now so we would get a place together again december 1 if we choose to reconcile. i just don't know which dream to give up. i hate that i have to. i honestly do not know how to decide. please please help! thank you...</p>

Anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no chance of a good outcome.  Any choice you make is going to draw blood--it all depends upon how many pounds of flesh you can afford to lose.

Has he been snipped?  If he's so certain that he doesn't want children he needs to get a vasectomy right now. That's the only way to ensure that he will not be creating children he doesn't want.

If you need a baby and cannot imagine your life without one or two or three of them, then this man is not the man for you. He will cease to be the person you're in love with if you go "oopsy" on him.  He will grow resentful and bitter and his love for you will die from disappointment and feelings of having his expressed wishes negated.

If you need an exciting, wild life that can in no way be a support basis for a family, then settle for being loved in his limited fashion, but get your tubes tied and go have fun.

but like I said, either way it goes, you'll be paying for it with a pound of flesh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2002
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 10:12pm
hi...i cannot read any replies or comments - how does this work? can you e mail me amyfechter@yahoo.com? thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2012
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 7:28pm

I sent you an email

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2002
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 4:15am
Thank you for your feedback. I am finally able to read the replies. He made the decision two days ago. Last week he left me saying we were going to look for a place together this week. just look, just see. then two days ago he told me that when he thinks of calling me he is too stressed. that he doesn't want to move in together now. that he is enjoying being on his own without all this "relationship drama" - he said he needs more time -a month. i went crazy. i told him he is a liar, that i hate him, that he has played with my heart and disappointed me so many times. that is when he told me that this is all my fault and that lately my temper keeps coming out. i told him that the reason my temper keeps flaring is because he has made promises the past few weeks that he fails to follow through on. he has turned off his phone, abandoned me - abandoned our relationship, gave up after four years. it felt like he just fell out of love. i haven't called him since and he hasn't called me. is it possible that he really is just having so much fun without me -that he fell out of love in a week? i plan on no contact with him for at least a month - do you think that will help? will he miss me? i don't even know if i want him anymore, but i do feel very rejected that he is the one who said no. i just feel very broken. and very lost.