Can't move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Can't move on
6
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 7:01pm
I'm not sure what to do next...I never though I'd be that girl who can't get over a breakup, but here I am! I semi-dated someone long-distance for about 8 months. We only saw each other a few times a month, but we were talking every day and he was a huge part of my life. Ultimately, it ended because he was not willing to have a serious long distance relationship. Apparently, it would have been different if we were closer (and it's not that far...only 100 miles apart). I ended it becuase I knew we wanted different things, but deep down I was hoping when I said all or nothing, he would want to commit. That was 2 months ago, he has a new girlfriend, and I'm still sitting here thinking about him all the time. An of course, I'm always hoping he will realize what he is missing with me and tell me he wants to get back together. Where do I go from here?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kr1010
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 7:43pm

It sounds like you are either in direct contact with him or indirect (through friends?) if you know he has a new GF. So if that's the case, then you need to stop all contact, direct or indirect. Once you do, it'll probably take a few more months to get over him completely, provided you also work actively on accepting that he's not right for you (and he can't be, or he would have committed).

Have you read the post on thought-stopping in the Resources folder, below? That is a huge help, if you work at it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: kr1010
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 9:01pm

guess what? same story here :) long distance for a year....and we broke up almost 2 weeks ago. he doesnt have a new gf YET..but im sure hell be over this in no time. its hard huh? because of all the time we spent talking to them, now its gone? man thats the hardest part of this breakup...those hours and hours we spent talking on the phone and online...now its free time and im not sure what to do with it. what have you been doing with all that time?

i wish i could give you advice, or tell you what to do..but to be honest :) im not sure what to do myself. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: kr1010
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:44pm

If you know whether or not he's attached right now....you're not doing NC. NC means not only is there no actual contact /talking, no checking hisi profile, no logging on his email, delete him off your IM, and don't grill people for his information. It is AS IF HE DOESN'T EXIST.

I did long distance too. Ran around the house from top to bottom restlessly because I refused to open my laptop. Best thing you can do, leave the phone and the computer at home and go OUT. Anywhere. Just where youc an't stare at the laptop or the phone. And then get together with your friends and make up a list of things to do instead and do them. I remember this one afternoon, I just took out my cell phone and called my friends one after another down the list for 14 hours. Hang in there, it gets better.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: kr1010
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:26am

no contact, im trying really. this happend only about 1.5 weeks ago. once he randomly messaged me and we talked ( said goodbye for 5 hours)...then i missed him and text him. but no more. he said himself " its time for us to move on..." so thats a clue hes not changing his mind :)

its hard, and i need to find things to do with my time. but really, i dont want to do anything but talk to him :) like i used to...stay home and talk to him!!!

what have you been doing with the time you guys used to talk? ive been talking to all my friends and all-- but i feel like, they have their own lives. they cant occupy my time just because im heartbroken. i dont know..this is just such a hard situation. because i really really loved him.. and him breaking up telling me he loved me, made me feel like theres still a chance for us to get back together. but there isnt, right?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
In reply to: kr1010
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:12am
I am having a hell of a time accepting the reality. I am the biggest abuser of the NC rule, but all the things I wanted to ask him, that had been these "why, why, why" I got to clear up. The feeling like he didn't care one bit, and could write me off just like nothing, got explained to me. By no means, am I saying the way I did it was 'right', and yes, it hurt, but when I start to heal (God All Mighty, if there was a way to speed up that process), I'll be thankful for this "forbidden" meeting we had. He had already started seeing the current girlfriend before we split. I knew she was "his type". I never was "his type"...he enjoyed being with me, and I helped him through his split-up with his wife....I fell in love (I swear I didn't do it on purpose...I knew my track record, and I was gonna suffer in the end). When we were together, our fun, excitement, and sexual chemistry was like one big high. I was the most exciting, wild , sexual dynamo he'd ever known. He told me not to fall in love with him, that he did not feel the same way. And sure enough, he met the "right" girl for him, and "playtime" was over....so that means, I was no longer something he wanted. Realizing and knowing that I need a man who understands the complexity of the person I am, and brings out those strenghts (and not my weeknesses, like he did), and realizing that HE is not that man, and he always knew I wasn't the one for him...knowing these things HURTS LIKE HELL. Just because you know "it's for the better", "He's not the one for you", ect., ect. DOES NOT MAKE IT FEEL BETTER....IT HURTS THAT IT IS THAT WAY. Then why do I love this man who is so wrong for me....and at my moments of excruciating pain....I don't care about the DAMN RULES & DOING THE RIGHT THING BY MOVING ON...I just want him WITH MEEEEE....EVEN IF I HAD TO KIDNAP HIM AND LOCK HIM UP.
Yes, I was fine, even after he came over and , yes, we had sex (which I reminded him I'm glad I'M not the one being cheated on...SHE IS.) He told me how wonderful and fun our time was together, and he agrees that we have a sexual chemistry like with no other partners. He wishes me well, and he does care, and knows I'm a good person, and was so good to him. It helped to hear that from him. I cried, and he held me. Now, I do realize, for my healing process I have to have that DAMN "NC"....but tonight, I am over tired, and weak, and I can't see my keyboard through the tears. Wrong, right....I only feel the pain of the loss of this man I ache for so badly.

Tina Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: kr1010
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:37am

Part of breaking up is learning to be by yourself too. I can assure you..by 3 days in, my friends were SICK of listening to me. And rightly so. I rotated over scenarios and didn't listen to advice not directly related to going back to him. Heck, I was sick of listening to myself. I now had 16h of the day to myself that I'd spent online with him before. It was truly a lousy experience.

I'm not trying to be unsympathetic, but saying "it's ONLY been 1.5 weeks" is basically giving yourself the ok to mope and mope. Which is fine, as long as it doesn't get to "It's ONLY been 1.5 years". Better to look at it and go. "hmm, i've made it to 1.5 weeks. go me! I'm going to make the next 1.5 weeks something i can be proud of".

What did I do? I went running twice a day. Slept in for the first time in months. Went to the library once a week. Went shopping with friends. Set off fireworks. Went out to the cafe with some buddies. Go out for lunch. Have dinner. Baked a cake. Weeded the garden and planted a dozen roses. played piano. Went back to Tae Kwon Do. Read harry potter. Watched every movie out there. Surprised my mom with dinner. Finished reading a dozen scientific papers. Learned to recite Macbeth. Anything. Possibilities are endless. Go walk 20k just for the hell of it.

And you know what? For the first week and a half...everything i did....sucked. I enjoyed nothing. But looking back, I feel better about it NOW, knowing I hadn't wasted the last 2-3 weeks. And the 5 lb drop hasn't hurt either. The point of the matter is there is no magic solution that will make the pain and loneliness go away. Time will do that eventually.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your