Can't seem to let go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Can't seem to let go...
3
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 9:10pm

I am heart broken and devastated. My ex of a year and a half just broke up with me a month ago and I can't seem to move on. He wasn't the best boyfriend because he did everything in the book that is bad...cheated, hit me, verbally abused me. His parents didn't know about me and he never took me out with his friends. We spent almost every night together during the week but come the weekend, he was either out with his friends getting drunk and hitting on girls or hunting. Every time he cheated or hit me or insulted me, I took him back. I pretended like nothing happened and didn't do anything about it. I basically let him walk all over me. Finally, we got into a HUGE fight that got physical on his part and he decided that it was too much. He said he couldn't handle me questioning his where-abouts and who he was with. He said I was "psycho" because I always wanted to know what he was doing. He also said that I "pushed" him to be physical and he couldn't handle that. Not once has did he take any responsibility for cheating or hitting me for no reason. A few times, I caught him trying to cheat because I went through his phone and read his text messages to other girls. In a rage, I texted these girls and told them that he had a girlfriend but still, I did not leave. He basically treated me worse than dirt and I took every ounce of it. I am in therapy right now for issues that I believe are my own, such as not seeing my self-worth and not liking myself and trying to find out why I took this abuse.

I have lost friendships over this, have lost almost 20 pounds bringing me to less than 100, and have lost respect for myself. I wake up each morning and I hate who I see in the mirror. I have a great job - my fantasy job really, my own car, home and family and friends. Still though, I can't seem to get past this relationship and feel very attached to him.

Since our breakup, he's called wanting to hang out and hook up and each time I give in. When I ignore his calls, it is only for a day at most and it is because he will call 4 or 5 times until I answer. I give in and hang out with him and everything seems great when we do. It's like nothing ever happened and we are "happy" and "in-love" all over again and he is nice and sweet to me and even tells me that maybe things will work out for us in the future. Then after a few days, he starts to pull away and when I get upset and start a fight over it, he tells me he is "done" dealing with my "psychoness" and doesn't ever want to have anything to do with me. Our last big fight ended with him promising that he will never call again and he sees no future for us at all.

I am so ashamed, angry, hurt and sad and I can't seem to move on...what is wrong with me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 12:17am

Welcome to the board mlee030 - can I be blunt with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 10:47am

Hello - it's me, (mlee030), I just changed my screen name to something more anonymous.

Thank you for your response. I've heard from another source that I need to see a therapist that specializes in abuse. I've only been to two sessions with current counselor.

I feel like posting on this board and reading other stories has already given some hope that I can heal and be strong. Only recently have I decided to seek help, talk about my situation, work out and read up on my issues. For the past year and a half I just accepted it and complained to my friends about him but did nothing to solve the problem.

I go through the emotions throughout the day. One point I am okay but then the next is feelings of sadness and loneliness. Usually, when he calls, my mood brightens because I feel that he still wants me and that I am not completely being rejected. I know this is an unhealthy cycle that I am putting myself through but my emotions are so strong that I find it hard to fight the feelings off. When I think about him moving on or with another girl, I get this sick feeling in my stomach. I am starting to blame myself for the relationship ending, even though he was the one who cheated and had violent mood swings if I said something that set it off. I also feel ashamed that I was a doormat to this and accepted the disrespect and abuse. Maybe this is why I keep going back? In hopes that I can prove to him that I am a good person and worthy of respect. But each time I do, things are ok for a day or two and then it always ends up in the same cycle. You would think that I would have learned my lesson by now right?

I am really trying to move on and get better but I'm still putting my happiness on his actions, which was how our relationship was...when he was happy and into me, things between us were great, but when he wasn't into it or wanted to do his own thing, the relationship was bad. I let him have complete control over my life and I want this to stop but I feel that I have become so reliant on him that I don't know where to begin or put a stop to this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 9:03am
....."Only recently have I decided to seek help, talk about my situation, work out and read up on my issues. For the past year and a half I just accepted it and complained to my friends about him but did nothing to solve the problem."..... I think you're off to a good start there. Realization may take place in the blink of an eye, but the change associated with it will usually take much longer. Just keep working your best at it, eventually, teh new ideas and actions will become your new habit, your new way of being.

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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