can't snap out of being bitter and sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
can't snap out of being bitter and sad
9
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 3:03pm
Just recently a lot of commotion went down in my house. My parents who have been married for 26 years came within inches of a divorce (we had separation agreements signed and papers all written up), which hasn't happened yet but I feel is just an extension until it really comes, and I see this extension being dragged on everyday. My dad cheated and got a girlfriend outside the house. He works for my mom ever since he got laid off and they have arguments all the time. While my mother supports the entire family. He's a deadbeat who grew up knowing no responsibility, and he wants to remain married and enjoy the benefits while still talking to his girlfriend, which I see him do at nights when I come home and my mother is already asleep. And the more I see this, the more jaded I get that I came from a side of family that I have no respect for. In fact I can't wait until they do get divorced, which means me and my mom will have to start making payments to him in order to buy out his share of our house. And during all this time, I needed my boyfriend's support but he instead went snowboarding every weekend and then just broke up with me. I became overloaded with stress and got sick. He felt like he couldn't live up to the pressures of me needing him to be around, and decided to cut himself loose. I understand his reasons, but at the same time I feel like he's such a coward, and just like my dad, has no sense of responsibility whatsoever. I know for a fact there are men out there who are very caring and take great efforts to sustain their careers and their relationships. I just don't understand why this has to happen in the last couple of months that just made me become completely jaded and bitter about men. Is it because this is the kind of men the females go for in the family? just losers? I feel like I don't trust my own judgment anymore, and whereas I couldn't wait to get married and start a family before. Now I don't want to get married at all. I want to stop being cynical and bitter, because it just hurts more to not be able to get out of my rut and be optimistic and look towards a better life without a loser boyfriend, but I feel like I can't, especially since he's moved on so easily and he's so happy being by himself, while I was left in this mess to deal with by myself. I can't get over it, it's been around 3 weeks, and part of that is probably because I'm still talking to him, wanting to find out why this happened. I can't come to any resolutions or closure this way, but because of my boyfriend and my dad, I feel like more than ever, I've changed this time, in a bad way, and feel like I've aged 10 years. I need help, and I don't know what to do. Even if I tell my friends it's no use. Going out clubbing is no help either. I've gone past that point of partying, and I just want a normal, quiet life. Can anyone give me some pointers?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 3:18pm

Hi there ashes,
I'm not in your exact shoes, but I can offer maybe what you can do to help ease the pain.

It has to be hard living with your parents and watching them go thru this... try to get out as much as possible, even if it's to run errands, go to the library, whatever. I think it's been harder on you because you are still talking to your boyfriend.. as you'll read on these boards, the only way to try and break free of the pain is by no contact (NC). This means no more talking, emailing, texting, etc. him.

Try reading some books, there is a posting on here about book suggestions. What about talking to a therapist? That might help you at least have someone to talk to about it (if your friends are starting to fade).

Just some pointers because it is hard.... but know there are a lot of us on here going thru this agonizing process too. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 7:08am

ashes512...

Pianoguy thinks that if you really "want a normal quiet life" as your post indicates, then you've got to TUNE OUT MOM/TUNE OUT DAD/AND STOP TRANSFERRING THEIR HANGUPS INTO THE LIFE YOU'RE CURRENTLY LIVING!

You've already seen that your parents aren't 100% perfect. But where is it written that you have to make the same emotional mistakes that they have?

If you expected your b/f to get in the middle of a parental feud...or even try to understand it...FORGET IT! Most men don't want to share or participate in anybody else's "emotional baggage!" .

Just ask yourself one question:

"Knowing what I know about Mom's feelings and her behavior toward Dad (and other men)...am I truly capable of disassociating myself and putting her feelings aside? Can I honestly reciprocate the love that a new b/f is willing to give to me?"

I'm not trying to pick on you.....but as long as you continue to be bitter over your Mom & Dad's unhappy marital situation...I can't possibly see you being happy with ANY MALE?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 3:05pm
you know, that was rather harsh. I'm not a believer of divorces, and I see you've been divorced at least once. This is why I'm going through a hard time. So far nothing has changed, and you can't just tell me to "tune out" my parents. that's plain impossible, Even if I moved out I'd feel great responsibility and care for the both of them and how they're hurting. And also, this kind of mentality where you refuse to help your significant other because you just don't have to let yourself get involved, is exactly what contributes to the loneliness and divorce rates that are just ridiculous in this country. Sorry but I have a completely different set of beliefs, and I don't think there's anything wrong with having expectations out of the person who's supposed to care about you most. Who else can you rely on if not your husband/wife and parents? People are supposed to be there for each other, for "better or worse" in case you don't really understand what that means.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 3:30pm

Sounds to me that you drew your boyfriend into your life because he is like your dad - to help heal that relationship....my guess is until you heal things with your dad, you will continue to draw in guys that play out that particular situation over and over again.

You are very stressed - have you considered going to counseling to help you through what you are feeling.

::because I'm still talking to him, wanting to find out why this happened. I can't come to any resolutions or closure this way,

Closure is something you give yourself. There is nothing he can say that will make this 'ok' with you, will make you accept what has happen with a loving heart.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 9:59am

another guy's perspective.

what you're dealing with is tough, emotionally very hard, confusing. i don't think you can know the answers right now, and it's perfectly okay to be having these feelings. just experience them. acknowledge they are there, and just allow them to exist. feelings pass. these will too. in fact, don't try to snap out of it.

as for being supportive. interesting to see a women's perspective. you may literally have to educate your guy on what it means for him to be supportive. do you want him to solve the issue, just listen to you, be a distraction for fun? he really may not know what to do, and doesn't want to be a failure in your eyes for not accomplishing what it is he thinks you want. (what he thinks you need and what you actually do need may be two very different things.) yes, guys exist who are supportive, and will be there for you. we may need some guidance, especially because most of the time we think what you really want us to be is tough and emotionally strong. (you may be sending out a signal, believe it or not, that you don't need support, that you're okay. and simply saying, "i need support" -- may not be enough.)

i know we should just know this stuff, alas we don't. but if he really cares -- here comes my behind the curtain talk -- we do actually want to be able to help, and if this dude doesn't then he's not the right guy for you.

you might also let him know that you're not totally falling apart (unless you really are). do you have enough energy to go snowboarding with him one weekend (or do something else)? it can't always be about the gloomy stuff, and doing something fun together -- in addition to having a serious conversation -- will give you a chance to relax a bit around each other.

i hope this is helpful. i myself am going through a break up, and it just plain sucks. we're doing the NC, and she was one of my closest friends, probably my closest. i have no idea how or if we'll ever reconnect. talk about a void. i'm told the pain goes away, and so i'm telling you that too, plus not to force your way through these emotions. do something good for yourself every day. hang in there. it's a roller coaster, but the ride does end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 3:28pm

I am going through the almost the same thing. I am getting surgery in a few weeks and he wants to be around for that even though he broke up with me 3 weeks ago. All the emotions are still there, I still love him.

Despite of my love and him wanting to be there for me..even though my family is miles away and will not be around during my recovery...I HAVE TO LET HIM GO...I dont want to, god knows, but there will be a confusions within yourself as to whether he loves you or if he is being there for you out of obligation. Do you really need to have any more confusion going on right now??? I had to write an email to him.. THANKS TO SHERI on this board, saying that unless he wants to be 100% committed to me, he really needs to leave me alone... Ambiguity is not a good thing and you are trying to heal.

Trust me, I know how it hurts.. my ex lives and works around the corner from my apt, I am dealing with pre-op treatments and would love to call him and have him help me.. BUT I REFUSE...I dont want him there out of pity..which is the worse thing I could imagine when you are in love.

Be strong.. and trust me.. the strenght comes with time. I didnt believe that I could gather the strenght to even write that email, but I did.. and it feels good to be in control...

be strong

missy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 4:16pm
I know things have been rough for me too lately. You should try to be optimistic about your life. Count the blessings that you have like your Mom. I think you might benefit from meeting new people take a class, volunteer at your favorite cause, or strike up a conversation in a grocery store. If you are not happy within yourself or just unhappy about the events in your life you should consider counseling. It helps regular people become much happier. Remember that just because people make bad choices around you that doesn't mean that you are at fault. They made those choices. If your boyfriend was the one he wouldn't have left you in your time of need. There is someone out there that will love you through thick or thin. I hope you and I will be happy some day soon.
Samantha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 5:27pm

Thanks for all of your replies! It really does feel good having those who understand. I have been with this guy for four and a half years. This is before my dad got laid off and my parents had any type of those problems that they have now.

We used to talk every single day, even in the beginning when I was still in college, we kept it up even though it was long distance for two years. He was always pretty negligent and immature in general, and because he has a laid-back and easy-going personality, I tried to excuse all of his bad points and overlook our differences for so long.

Some of your replies really did help. I definitely agree when you said he was there out of obligation rather than love. And it made me realize, he didn't have much love after all, and most things he ever did was for his own satisfaction. When things got tough for me, he bailed because there's nothing fun about hanging around someone who's going through issues. That is completely true, but I know there are better people out there than those fair-weathered types. As much as I've tried to be in denial, I need to admit to myself, he never knew how to commit to someone other than himself. And that's his problem. And this is not a guy worth hanging on to. Thanks to everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 7:51am

ashes512...

Quick follow-up to post #4.....which was your response to PG's post #3:

There are some people who will let you into their lives and let you help them...and there are others who won't! And in the latter case, trying to "push yourself, your beliefs, or your viewpoints" or even make an honest attempt to offer support is a waste of your time and effort!

When others don't want it...they'll let you go through the motions, politely listen, but behave as they please!

If you are serious about having any relationship WITH ANYBODY.....you have to do you best to discard the past relationship complications from family members (that you've been subjected to) in order to establish a "happier" future for yourself and your s.o.?

Pianoguy