cant stop obsessing. feel sick. please r

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
cant stop obsessing. feel sick. please r
6
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 9:13am

bf of almost two years broke up with me because we were having a string of relationship troubles we were having. he said he loved me so much, but blamed it on those issues as to why he didn't see us having a future. during that time i suspected he had a flirtation with a collegue. it used to make me crazy to think thats why he wanted "space" and thats why he wanted "to be on his own". i didn't get how someone could say they loved me so much, more then anything, but they didn't want to be with anyone. they wanted to be on their own. inside i felt like it had everything to do with the other girl. not our relationship issues, but his need for freedom, etc. anyway, we have been broken up only a couple of weeks and i know a girl he works with. i told her what i suspected and she said she hadn't noticed anything but would keep an eye out. well i spoke to her yesterday and she said at first she hadn't seen anything, but then last friday she noticed he went up to her and said, "hey it looks like someone is working out" and started to feel her muscles, fine that didn't bother me, but she also said yesterday she saw him coming down the hall, see the other girl from behind, kick her in the back of the leg (in a sweet way) and they started talking really close, alot of head tilting hair flipping and smiling on both ends. she said my bf was being very flirtatious and the girl was flirting back. it was very mutual. anyway, that set me back so much. I was hysterical all night. my sister said "OF COURSE she is going to see things. you planted the seed in her head and now anytime she sees them talking, even if its innocent flirting which people sometimes do, its going to seem like a huge deal and she is going to hone in it on" to an extent i agree. but now i just feel like it confirms my worst fears. what do you think? do you think i planted the seed and now she is going to take everything they do as "something" or do you think there is something going on. i KNOW it shouldn't matter because we are broken up, and i know its not my business anymore, but i asked him the last time we spoke if there was anything going on between the two of them and he told me he liked talking to her. he liked it alot, she was his friend, just like men he works with but no one notices that because they are guys. he told me he had no romantic feelings for this girl.

what do you all think? i am wondering, if someone told you she thought something was going on between two people at work and to keep your eye out, do you think you would be more hypersensitive to any talking or interaction they were having? or do you think i have to accept that something is going on with him and the girl even though he says different. AGAIN, i KNOW it doesn't matter and i need to move on, but i hate to feel i was lied to as well as dumped and broken hearted

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 12:29pm

My best advice, assume you were lied to. He probably wanted to explore this relationship even if he didn't consciously know it in the moment. And don't deny your own gut feeling about the sitation from the beginning.

Sorry but touching someone, feeling their muscles is not something I would do with a co-worker whether or not I was in a relationship - it crossed the boundary into something more intimate - Just my opinion.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 12:36pm
this is neither here nor there, but the only reason its not that far fetched is they both work in a fitness profession
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 3:10pm
I can see that, everyone has a different opinion on what's acceptable about touching, etc. But flipping her hair is a 'signal' that she is interested. They are flirting. Regardless, if he broke up with you to be with her or have a chance with her - this should just validate that you need to be done with him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 5:10pm
I feel your pain. Sometimes men lie to not hurt us in their minds. Which is wrong, but you don't always need the nitty gritty. When it is over it is over. How old is this ex? A breakup is a breakup. It is painful and lonely. You need to stop asking that girl information. Even though you want to. It will just drive you more crazy. Been there and did that. It only got me more and more pain. Then he found out and I looked like a freak. Stay with friends, surround yourself with tissues, and believe it or not, it will with time go away. You have a heart. There is never anything wrong with that. Unfortunlately, our hearts break sometimes. Goodluck! Remember sometimes not knowing is better. You do not want to become bitter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 5:30pm
hold on, he isnt necessarily lying to her. Maybe they are just friends. once someone has planted a seed in someones mind to look for flirting or something going on, everything that would otherwise seem like nothing. maybe they are flirting BUT it could be they are friends and flirting. don't make OP crazy by telling her hes lying. he sounded pretty legit to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 11-30-2005 - 11:51pm

Regardless of whether he is being truthful or not...He is moving on and the OP needs to do likewise.

To the OP -- tell your friend to STOP giving you reports as to what your ex is doing. It serves no purpose other that to make you crazy. You can't control what he does, thinks, says, or feels. Trust me, the only person who this hurts is you. Start practicing no contact -- that also means third party contact. This is not a rule, or a magic potion, or a punishment. It simply means any time that you know what he is up to is damaging to you -- so therefore you must stop the information. Having your friend measure him up is demeaning to you, to her, and to him. There are better thing waiting out there...seize upon that.