Caught in limbo
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| Thu, 08-18-2005 - 11:57am |
This message board really is a blessing in disguise, reading your stories has made me feel less like i'm having to face the whole world alone.
I met my boyfriend (Rich) 5 years ago, as my brother's best friend at university. It was wrong, as we both were attached at the time, but we both felt an incredibly strong attraction and spark towards each other.
We didn't act on these feelings for years, but in the back of my mind (however terrible this sounds) I always thought that the only person I would break up with my boyfriend of the time for, was him.
He spent a week during easter 2003 at our house, to be with my brother, and the sparks really flew. After the week, I broke up with my (ex)boyfriend, as the feelings were getting out of control, and I couldn't hurt him in that way. The problem was that Rich couldn't do the same, his girlfriend had finals and he was afraid of destroying them for her.
So the time passed... I remained hidden from her sight, whilst he pretended to her that everything was ok. Eventually, in July 2003 he broke up with her, and we got together.
I ended up going to the same University as him whilst he was in his final year, and me my first. This year was wonderful, the world was our oyester and we enjoyed all things together.
The next year though, he graduated, and moved back home (200 miles away from me). I encouraged him to apply and get jobs and was there for him for his hard 6 months until he did. He started his job about 6 months ago, and is enjoying every second of it. He (and I) made plans for him to live with my brother, closer to me (40 miles) so the long distance wouldn't be so bad. We were both very excited about all this happening and had much to look forward to.
We argued a lot over the last 8/9 months in general, he was depressed and down, and I was at university enjoying myself. The distance did take it's toll I feel, but things never got that bad in my view.
We broke up 3 and a half weeks ago...he said he thought it should end, and asked if i agreed. At the time I was so shocked and hurt that I just nodded my head, and by the time I had done that he had to leave to get his train home - although I don't think this was an intentional hit and run type scenario.
Since then, I've been through the week of devastation, I gave him everything - mind, body and soul. I gave him my virginity, even though I had strong morals, and I sacrificed many things for him, as did he for me. I've thought over and over that this shouldn't be happening, and that we CAN make things work, and over the last month or so these feelings really haven't changed, even though I am thinking much more logically about it all.
The problem is that for the week after the break up, i called, i emailed, i texted, pleading for him to reconsider and come back. But he kept refusing. I told him I could change, and he told me I couldn't, and that what I was doing right then shows that I couldn't. It hurt so so much, and I felt as though I could have no life without him, and I didn't want a life without him.
Finally he cut me off. No Contact. He said he will meet me when he moves in with my brother, which is in 3 weeks time. Since then he sent me a text saying that it is really hard, but he still knows it's the right thing, and he said he was sad and lonely. I asked if we could meet sooner, and he said he wasn't ready, and doubted I was either.
I've spoken to some of his friends, they say he doesn't want to see me because he knows he'll take me back. They say he isn't considering that getting back together is an option. They say his feelings for me haven't changed, and he still loves me as much as he always did. I'm getting so many mixed signals.
Please tell me what I should do... do I call him and tell him we should talk? I don't want to plead for him back, as I do not want to go back to where we were. I do want to move on from it, but I don't want the moving on to mean I lose him. I still want to be with him, because we can be very happy together, and we do make each other happy. I feel if I leave it too long, he will forget how he is feeling, and will forget all the feelings he has for me.
The situation is made more complicated, as he will always be around as he will live with my brother who i am very close to. I do not want my brother to be involved, and resolving this before he moves would be best in my eyes. It may also give a better chance of salvaging the relationship back.
the time leading up to the break up, everything was really good, but i don't think either of us appreciated it. We had an amazing sex life up til the day we broke...
I would really really appreciate some advice on this, I feel lost and confused and no one around me seems to understand. I just want the answer.
bg_567 xxx
Edited 8/18/2005 12:35 pm ET ET by bg_567

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I'm sorry for the pain you're going through, but you really need to NOT call him. If he hasn't already respect for you, he will if you continue to not respect his request for no contact.
It takes BOTH people feeling the same way to make a relationship work. If he's not feeling that the two of you are right for each other, then the fact that you feel differently doesn't matter. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work that way. One person can't force the other into feeling the same way they do.
It's unfortunate that he's going to be living with your brother but that's the reality you have to deal with. Take advantage of the 3 weeks of no contact to start moving on. If it's meant to be, he'll find his way back to you, but calling him now is more likely to cause that to NOT happen (although that's not the only reason you shouldn't call).
Sheri
Thank you so much for your post.
I received a text from him last night, simply saying "You OK?". I don't know what he meant by it, I don't know why he broke the NC for such an abrupt text, and I don't know what he expected me to reply for it. I should admit, it was an incredibly good feeling to receive a text, whatever it said... I smiled for the first time in weeks.
He's really confusing me, claiming he wants no contact and then texting as and when he pleases. He's done this twice during the NC period. It was really very difficult last night, as I knew he'd be waiting by his phone, probably missing me, and expecting a reply.
In a way, I didn't want to reply as I didn't want to jump when he said "jump", but I also felt that two wrongs do not make a right and I should at least be courteous. I talked it over with a friend, and we agreed that he probably wanted me to comfort him before his bed time. This truly isn't fair as I've had many anxious and painful nights over the last few weeks, fighting the need to get in contact with him, and find out how he is.
In the end, I sent him a simple text saying 'I'm OK' back. That's all. I'm hoping maybe it will baffle him as he probably expects me to be the emotional mess I was back when he was still answering my calls. I was also hoping to take back some control of the whole situation.
I love him so much, and it's difficult to talk about him in this light. Will you tell me...did I do the right thing?
Thank you for reading this...
bg_567 xxx
Edited 8/19/2005 7:47 am ET ET by bg_567
Edited 8/19/2005 7:51 am ET ET by bg_567
Thank you for your posts everyone.
Things have got slightly more complicated again. He's spoken to me over msn twice since the text. The first time he initiated, and the second time i did.
In the first conversation, it was only general chit chat, it lasted about 10 minutes but was really nice. I did say to him that I thought he didn't want to talk until we met, and he said he didn't but it was really hard. He then said bye, but came back to talk some more about 20 seconds later.
The second time I initiated, I know I shouldn't have and I will not do it again, but it was his choice to reply or not and he did. Again it was just chit chat, but I wanted to arrange the date that we met, which we did. I told him that we don't have to be so heavy-hearted about it all, things can be slightly more light-hearted, and he shouldn't dread seeing me, and if he wants to be excited about it he should let himself. He seemed happy at that comment, but added that "it won't be easy though". He also asked me whether I expected he'd change his mind, to which I HONESTLY answered no, I do not expect him to change his mind, but I do keep it as a possibility.
I'm having a really rubbish day today as far as all this is concerned, and I'm getting even more confused as time goes by. I really do not feel ready to let go and move on.
Any comments on this would be really great...I need some advice/words right now.
Thank you so much for replying again.
bg_576 xxx
Well, no, of course you don't feel ready to let go and move on...you're continuing to have contact with him and to hope that he will change his mind. That's ok...but just realize that so long as contact and hope continue, you won't be able to move on.
Sheri
Don't actions speak louder than words though?
bg_576 xxx
No...not in romantic relationships. There's a big caveat to that old rule, and it goes something like this: "actions speak louder than words, EXCEPT if the words are saying something you don't want to hear, then you need to pay attention to the words."
Sheri
I know you're probably right, but why is he contacting me then? I must seem to be so stubborn to you, or in denial, but he really isn't able to keep to what he's saying.
I'm not going to contact him until we meet now, I have decided that much. There is a big part of me that thinks he will contact again, and if he does, what am I to think?
He's not a viscious person at all, and I know he loves me very much. He just seems very confused...
bg_567 xxx
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