Caught in limbo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2005
Caught in limbo
11
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 11:57am

This message board really is a blessing in disguise, reading your stories has made me feel less like i'm having to face the whole world alone.

I met my boyfriend (Rich) 5 years ago, as my brother's best friend at university. It was wrong, as we both were attached at the time, but we both felt an incredibly strong attraction and spark towards each other.

We didn't act on these feelings for years, but in the back of my mind (however terrible this sounds) I always thought that the only person I would break up with my boyfriend of the time for, was him.

He spent a week during easter 2003 at our house, to be with my brother, and the sparks really flew. After the week, I broke up with my (ex)boyfriend, as the feelings were getting out of control, and I couldn't hurt him in that way. The problem was that Rich couldn't do the same, his girlfriend had finals and he was afraid of destroying them for her.

So the time passed... I remained hidden from her sight, whilst he pretended to her that everything was ok. Eventually, in July 2003 he broke up with her, and we got together.

I ended up going to the same University as him whilst he was in his final year, and me my first. This year was wonderful, the world was our oyester and we enjoyed all things together.

The next year though, he graduated, and moved back home (200 miles away from me). I encouraged him to apply and get jobs and was there for him for his hard 6 months until he did. He started his job about 6 months ago, and is enjoying every second of it. He (and I) made plans for him to live with my brother, closer to me (40 miles) so the long distance wouldn't be so bad. We were both very excited about all this happening and had much to look forward to.

We argued a lot over the last 8/9 months in general, he was depressed and down, and I was at university enjoying myself. The distance did take it's toll I feel, but things never got that bad in my view.

We broke up 3 and a half weeks ago...he said he thought it should end, and asked if i agreed. At the time I was so shocked and hurt that I just nodded my head, and by the time I had done that he had to leave to get his train home - although I don't think this was an intentional hit and run type scenario.

Since then, I've been through the week of devastation, I gave him everything - mind, body and soul. I gave him my virginity, even though I had strong morals, and I sacrificed many things for him, as did he for me. I've thought over and over that this shouldn't be happening, and that we CAN make things work, and over the last month or so these feelings really haven't changed, even though I am thinking much more logically about it all.

The problem is that for the week after the break up, i called, i emailed, i texted, pleading for him to reconsider and come back. But he kept refusing. I told him I could change, and he told me I couldn't, and that what I was doing right then shows that I couldn't. It hurt so so much, and I felt as though I could have no life without him, and I didn't want a life without him.

Finally he cut me off. No Contact. He said he will meet me when he moves in with my brother, which is in 3 weeks time. Since then he sent me a text saying that it is really hard, but he still knows it's the right thing, and he said he was sad and lonely. I asked if we could meet sooner, and he said he wasn't ready, and doubted I was either.

I've spoken to some of his friends, they say he doesn't want to see me because he knows he'll take me back. They say he isn't considering that getting back together is an option. They say his feelings for me haven't changed, and he still loves me as much as he always did. I'm getting so many mixed signals.

Please tell me what I should do... do I call him and tell him we should talk? I don't want to plead for him back, as I do not want to go back to where we were. I do want to move on from it, but I don't want the moving on to mean I lose him. I still want to be with him, because we can be very happy together, and we do make each other happy. I feel if I leave it too long, he will forget how he is feeling, and will forget all the feelings he has for me.

The situation is made more complicated, as he will always be around as he will live with my brother who i am very close to. I do not want my brother to be involved, and resolving this before he moves would be best in my eyes. It may also give a better chance of salvaging the relationship back.

the time leading up to the break up, everything was really good, but i don't think either of us appreciated it. We had an amazing sex life up til the day we broke...

I would really really appreciate some advice on this, I feel lost and confused and no one around me seems to understand. I just want the answer.

bg_567 xxx




Edited 8/18/2005 12:35 pm ET ET by bg_567

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bg_567
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 9:49pm

He's contacting you because he's human and he misses you...just because you no longer want to be in a romantic relationship with someone doesn't mean you get over them immediately. He's also probably feeling some guilt so he wants to see if you're ok (to make him feel less guilty).

BUT him contacting you does NOT necessarily mean he wants to get back together!!!

Sheri

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