cheated on for the first time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
cheated on for the first time!
9
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:58pm
now i set myself up for this one I really really did. I started dating my bartender at work who Ive known for a year and thought I knew very well. At first he lied to me about his age (told me he was 37 and turned out to be 41) he fessed up and I didnt really care. Everything was great he was wonderful and sweet for a while! Then we run into his ex and everything changes! Turns out hes still in love with her and tonight after not hearing from him for 5 days I find out from his roomate they are back together! He didnt even have the balls to tell me! Now I have to see him at work and Im not looking forward to it! Ive never been cheated on or left for anyone, and I really want to kick him in the balls. I would never but I really dont want him to talk to me, because I know it will upset me. And shes crazy and is already coming in to make sure hes not talking to me while hes working(we work in a restuaunt) Im only 24 but Im more mature then the both of them put together! How do I handle this with dignity when I really just want to freak out on the both of them? And how do I handle the betrayal? This is my first relationship in two years and I feel like Ive been set back so far in being able to trust guys...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:54am


It really sucks when you have to work with the person. First off for a 41 year old man this guy sounds way too immature and is a coward to boot. And what 41 year old man still has roomates??? You have clearly dodged a bullet! You just have to keep it professional at work and don't talk to him anymore than you have to. If there is another resturant you can work at go for it because do you really want to get pulled into all this drama? And his girlfriend sounds like a real winner--she has to come to his workplace to keep an eye on him? Once again, you have dodged a bullet. Just hold you head high.

Don't let this one man ruin your trust in others. There are plently of great men out there who will never do this to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 11:22am

I was also cheated on for the first time, except that I'm 42.

He cheated on me while we were engaged and living together. How will I trust anyone again? I don't know...

It doesn't help that my mother keeps telling me that all men are like that, and that they just want to have fun with you and move on to the next one...

My mom, for some reason, has great influence on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 12:38pm

First of all, you did NOT set yourself up to be cheated on. That wasn't you that did that, so don't blame yourself. I shouldn't have asked my ex out first either (to go skiing with a group of us) but hey, we don't know these guys are cheaters.

The key is, once you find out, not to go back to them. EVER.

I'm not sure how you handle betrayal the BEST way, but you just get through it like every other tragedy in life. That sucks, but there is no way but through it.

You can be glad he's gone because a guy like that will do the same thing to any woman, including his new girl. And you can know he will get his just rewards in the end. As evidence -- my ex (who is cheating on his new girlfriend) knocked up the girl he cheated on me with, not his girlfriend. Just found out yesterday. And while I feel awful for her, you can imagine how I feel about him.

Pretend you don't care and just ignore that it happened. From all of the responses on this board, women that yelled at their exes didn't get satisfaction either. Just thank your lucky stars that he's gone, even though you may not feel that way, and rest assured you will find a better man for you.

Just sit back and watch. How long will it be before he gets tired of her being possessive? Now it's her turn to be jealous, not yours, and be glad it's not you.

For the future, I've learned that ONE lie is all it will take for me to break up with a guy. If they can lie, they can cheat.




Edited 12/13/2006 2:50 pm ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 11:04am
thanks so much ladies, luckily I had some friends giving me the same advice, so yesterday when he came up to me at work, put his hand on my shoulder and asked me if i was ok, instead of turning around and kneeing him in the... (ill be good here) ... I just turned and walked the other way, BUT made sure that he saw me laughing and smiling like I always am. It helps to get the anger and agression out before you see them, so that way you can act just fine when you do have to see them.
Its hard not to think that every guy is going to do that to me, but then again he clearly is a loser and maybe if I steer clear of the losers then it wont happen again! In anycase its time for a little me time...my heart needs to recover without the assistance of any other loser guys trying to keep the wound open...I reccomend the same for anyone else out there who has been hurt!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 11:10am
well its time to stop talking to your mother about the situation then. She is clearly not being supportive and working from personal experience that she has never gotten over! You DO NOT want to end up the same way.
How do you trust again? well you realize that there are BILLIONS of other guys out there, and many of which you have the opportuinty of coming in contact with! Its not possible that they are all cheaters, so have faith that when YOU recover (which you will) you will come into contact with one of them! I look to my very good guy friends, the ones who would kill themselves before they hurt the woman they are with, and I realize that there are still great guys out there, and it keeps me going.
Take some time to yourself, treat yourself well, pamper yourself a bit! Youve been hurt and you deserve to be treating yourself well, not beating yourself up over it! Everything will get better, just get the loser out of your life physically and mentally
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 5:48pm

Re: steering clear of losers, that's half the battle. Or more. 75% maybe?!!

There were at least 100 red flags I ignored, to my detriment. Oh well, live & learn!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 11:20pm

My mom has been with my dad for 40 something years...He's cheated on her, treated her badly and she has stayed... Now she says she made a mistake by staying.

What I'm going through more than anything else now is that I'm no longer the young woman that men desire. I still look good, but I don't look or carry myself like I'm in my 20's or early 30's. I'm 42, and not getting any younger.

Fear of getting old and being alone is pretty obvious to me. Every man I know is married, specially at work, and believe me I work in a big corporation and know a lot of people there.

I feel like I have so many things working against me. I'm not saying I'm ready for a relationship. I know I'm not. But I still pay attention to see if there are available men out there and frankly I don't see any who are close to my age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 12:24pm

Just ignore them.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 4:15pm
WOW! haha you sound like my friend, she told me to prepare myself because this girl is nuts and he will prolly have to end up calling the cops on her again, and they will break up again, and he will be begging for me back...god why wouldnt he im amazing compared to her. But your right, they are a sick little game, and they can use someone else if need be to make it more interesting for them. However it just shocks me so much because he is 42 years old...why in gods name does a 42 year old man still act like a 21 year old? And I havent spoken to him, and dont intend to. thank god im going on vacation next week, im hoping to come back refreshed and not caring one little bit!