cheaters
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| Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:35pm |
He did tell me that he still cared about/loved me when they first started dating, and that he could already see himself growing bored with her...but the last time we talked, it had turned into "oh I love her so much, I would never cheat on her." I HATE the thought that someone else is getting the best of him. I know he must sound like a real jerk, but I saw so much good in him at one point...and I want that. I feel cheated that someone else is getting it.
I know that he's doing all the things that we had planned for our future with her (believe me, he's told me all the wonderful life they have together)...and I can't stand that. It makes me sooooooo sad. It's wrong of me, but here I am, hoping that he'll do to her what he did to me. Am I a horrible person for thinking that way?
He told me that he loved me so much, blahblahblah, etc and look what happened...so I guess I shouldn't really believe what he tells me about his new girlfriend. It just seems so unfair to me...and I know I shouldn't want anything to do with such a cheater/liar, but I do :( I still miss him...and still want to be with him. Ahh, when will I get over this?

I do remember him saying something weird once though...he was telling me how they went to the top of this hill and looked at the stars together (something I had said I always wanted to do with him)...and he said that it had made him sad because it was something he wanted to do with me. Why would he do it with her then?! And why tell me about it?!
I wonder if HE wonders as much as I do...what could have been/what could be between us. I'm remembering now how it was when he first started dating this new girlfriend...they were long-distance during the summer, so whenever she wasn't around he would contact me immediately. He would tell me that he still cared about/loved me and that he felt guilty because he had slept with this new girl right away and she trusted him. He said that he felt torn...that he was worried he would be missing out if he didn't try things with her, but also if he let me go. He told me that no matter what I thought, it wasn't a win-win situation for him.
I'm ashamed to say now that I put up with this for a long time. He basically had me where he wanted me...on the back burner, waiting for him to make his decision. Well, that was until he found out what I had kept hidden from him all this time and got pissed. We used to talk on a regular basis and he was still always very sweet to me...but then he turned mean. He said he didn't like me, didn't even want to know me...and because I felt guilty for lying, I believed him when he said that I needed to redeem myself. Oh, did I mention that he also said he had just been "playing a role?" And that he never truly loved me? I couldn't tell if he was just saying these things because he was hurt by my lies, or if he really meant them.
We don't talk anymore...well, there's been a couple of rare occasions. Other than that, it's been me trying to get ahold of him and him ignoring me. But like I've said in my other posts, he sends me random messages at times...I just wonder why. But I haven't tried to contact him in over a week, and he's sent me two messages...to which I haven't responded :)
Hopefully time will heal all my wounds...