Cheating Boyfriend Broke My HEART!
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Cheating Boyfriend Broke My HEART!
| Mon, 07-24-2006 - 2:27pm |
I have been romantically dating a married man for 5 years. He is seperated from his wife, whom he says makes his life a living hell, but he still sleeps with her. We argue about this constantly. I just found out he is sleeping with yet another woman. When confronted, initially he denied it , but finally confessed. He said I nagged him so much about his wife, it drove him into the arms of someone else. The someone else is his co-worker he says I have nothing to be concerned about. My intentions was to leave this man but he said he loved me and couldn't see himself without me. Okay. I fell for it. A few days later he was back in the sack with his wife. We argued. I was incognito for a few days. Evenutally, I decided to stop by his house. This was about 1:30AM. When I got there his co-worker was there. He said when he had not heard from me, he thought I had given up on him. I stayed until he took her home during which time I began to think, had I not stopped by he would have slept with her. When he returned I proceeded to leave. He begged and pleaded I stay. I left anyway. By the time I got home, he left several messages on my answering machine. I didn't respond. He stopped by. I let him in. No words were exchanged. We ended up falling asleep in each others arms. So that's where I am now. I desperately want to leave all this drama, but for the life of me I can't seem to get him out of my system. HELP!

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Sorry for what you are going through. Hopefully, us here on this board can help you out.
He says that his soon-to-be ex-wife makes his life a living hell, but isn't he also making your life a living hell by the way he is acting and behaving? And if his ex-wife is really making his life a living hell, then why is he still sleeping with her and associating himself with her?
Actions speak LOUDER than words. He continuously cheats on you. You deserve so much better. I'm not trying to judge him and his life and I know there are some things that you didn't say in your post, I'm just trying to give you some advice.
And when he does cheat on your with your co-worker he makes it sound like its your fault, when it isn't. He is the one who is cheating. No matter what you did wrong, you still don't deserve to be cheated on.
My advice: Move on with you life and find someone who will appreciate you and will treat you like a queen. I know its easier said than done, but you will benefit from it.
~Amber~
Eunice
No you're not crazy, you love him. But honestly, he tells you he doesn't want to lose you, well show him what life would be like to lose you. Don't call him, don't go to his place, don't talk to him. Men like to chase women, they don't like to be chased. My situation really isn't similar to yours in anyway, but I'm gonna tell you what happened to me, and where I stand now, and how I got there.
My ex and I were together 4.5 years ago. We started dating our junior year in highschool, he's 22, I'm 21. 3 months ago he broke up with me because he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, needed some time alone, was trying to figure out what to do with his life, that he still loved me, that we were young etc... I, at first, would not leave him alone, calling, trying to get him to change his mind. Until one day I knew that I was done, I knew I had to just give him his space and move on with my life. 4 weeks after I made that decision, I decided to call him, because I was ready to talk to him without crying. I called and he was really excited that I had called, because he was afraid that I hated him. I then suggested we get together and hang out as friends, he said he would think about it and let me know. He called me 5 days later and said he wasn't ready to see me and needed more time. I took it all in stride and said okay that I wasn't going to force him to see me, but when he was ready to see me, to let me know. From that time we talked about once every 2 weeks. Well I went on vacation last weekend and when I got back, I got a call from him. He told me he had stopped by for 2 days, but that I wasn't there. I told him I was home now so he could stop by if he wanted. He stopped by and it was great. He's not ready to get back together, but we're working on it. We talked for about 4 hours. We discussed in more detail why he did it, how I was feeling about it, and all sorts of stuff. We both admitted we still loved eachother and that being friends was going to be weird, but that we would try and make it work. We ended up kissing, but we didn't let it go any further. We ended things with him saying that he would work on getting everything figured out, that we would start hanging out, and see where things take us. I told him I wasn't going to wait on him, that I was going to start dating. He agreed and said that it was a good idea for me.
So that's where I stand. And I probably wouldn't be there now, If I wouldn've continued to call him and try and change his mind. I let him see what life without me would be like and it scared him. I don't know what's going to happen between me and my ex, but I'm being very cautious and I'm still not calling him, I'm gonna let him call me and want to see me when he's ready to hang out again. He's gotta chase me, he's the one who threw me away.
My honest advice to you would be for you to stop contacting him. Tell him that you don't want to be with him until he's ready to be in a committed relationship with you and only you.
Trust me when I say it does get better, you will heal and life will gradually go back to normal.
~Amber~
Amber you are very wise. I know this is exactly what I need to do and that is leave him alone. Amber at this point in the game its hard because I've already committed my being to this guy. But he continues to treat me like crap. Just when I say, okay, this time its really over, he comes around all apologetic and I forgive him. After I forgive him, he goes back to treating me like crap! What's a girl to do with a mixed-up situation such as this? But I'm glad to hear things are working out in your favor with your relationship.
Eunice
I strongly encourage you to visit another ivillage board specifically devoted to people who are trying to leave affairs. It's at:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending
The people who post there are very supportive and all of them are dealing with situations similar to yours. They will be able to walk you through leaving him if you decide that's what you want to do. And that does sound like a good course because from what you've said this guy is clearly bad news. Some situations aren't as clear-cut as yours, but when they are it's crystal clear. This man is troubled, and you're not going to be able to change him. Don't waste another day of your life on this man. You've wasted enough of your life with him.
If you stay with him he will continue to cheat on you and lie to you. When you threaten to leave he'll be sweet and romantic for a few days and then go back to his old ways. He doesn't respect you because every time you say you're going to leave you end up going back to him. He doesn't respect you and doesn't treat you well and you keep going back for his crumbs. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you're in a crisis situation and I really believe that the only way you can have a sane and happy life again is to leave this man and not have any contact with him. He is NOT going to change.
Edited 7/25/2006 3:40 am ET by iamdelightful
I understand what you are saying, but you need to put your foot down. Tell him you are through with him coming back and then treating you like crap again. If you don't start to respect yourself, he'll never respect you. The only way he is ever going to change is if you stop letting him treat you like that. He may never change. You can't fix him, he has to fix himself.
I know you love him and that this would be hard, but you have to think about yourself and what you need out of a relationship and life. Do you really want your life wasted on a man who would treat you this way?
Sometimes there is nothing we can do, but let them go.
I wish you well and keep us posted.
~Amber~
I went to the message board you suggested. Is there another one out there that deal with SINGLES emotionally involved with M people? At any rate your reply was not harsh at all. PLEASE...be brutal! This is exactly what I need. I'm acutally in the situation, so I can't see the forest for the trees. I need an outside perspective.
Everything you said about this CAD is the absolute truth. But it's like I'm addicted to him...I gotta' have that fix, knowing taking a dose of him is detrimental to my health. I receive therapy each time I post to these message boards. When I read the responses, I'm that much closer to recovery. So keep the 'HARSH' replies coming. The more the better.
Remember, you asked for harsh replies. ;)
....."PLEASE...be brutal! This is exactly what I need. I'm acutally in the situation, so I can't see the forest for the trees. I need an outside perspective."..... Outside perspective:
You know what, everything you said is so, so true. I'm so busy thinking about myself and how devastated I am...how I want to get even...how I want him to hurt like I'm hurting...etc., etc., I never looked at the fact that he's cheating WITH ME and NOT ON ME. The old saying is true, "WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND."
Another interesting point you brought out in your post is that 'wifey' will always be number one. What a wake up call! All these years I've been fooling myself into believing I'm the ONE. NOT!
After reading these post, I've decided to LET GO! Three days and NC. I just pray I can remain strong if and when he decides to show. But in the meantime I still need support.
Thanks!
Eunice
Eunice, you sound like an awesome woman who got caught up in a bad relationship....been there, done that. Just realize your worth so much more than you ever got from this man and stay strong.
And those days you find it impossible to be strong, come to the board it really helps. Like right now, I was so tempted to send an e-mail to my ex, but instead I'm sending one to you. Hopefully helping both of us.
Kathy
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