Chronic liar feels like death in family

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Chronic liar feels like death in family
3
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 3:40pm

The VERY short version: I dated him for two years. I finally got tired of the "I'm gonna"s and the excuses for all kinds of things, and realized I didn't want this for my life. Last Sunday I broke up with him. It was so hard.

THEN I found out he's a liar. I was dropping off his stuff at his mom's house yesterday (he was living there b/c she'd been sick) and in 10 minutes of polite talk with her (please note this is the first time I've TALKED to her), found out that there were TONS of lies he'd told me over the last two years. I sent him one last text - that after the 'educational visit' with his mom, I never want to speak to him again. His reply: fine.

Now I feel so betrayed... like he's a completely different person. As if getting over a breakup with someone I love wasn't hard enough, now it feels like I was conned. And because he feels like a COMPLETELY different person to me now, I feel a bit like I've had a death in the family - like the guy I loved and who wanted to marry me just dropped off the planet and was replaced by this con artist.

How on EARTH do I start healing from a lost love AND the betrayal? If I even understood WHY it would be easier, but I will probably never know. I just feel like such a fool... I'm so angry, so depressed, so in shock. I can barely cope. What do I do?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 3:53pm

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. But knowing "why" isn't really going to help you. What you need to accept is that he's a liar--that is the reality. I know (from experience, sadly) how difficult it is to deal with finding that out and realizing that the man you thought you were in love with doesn't exist, but focusing on "why" is just going to keep you stuck.

I would recommend that you read "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward and "101 Lies Men Tell Women" by Dori Hollander. Both books helped me a lot to realize that I was far from the only woman in the world who'd been taken in by a consummate liar.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 4:29pm

Sheri gave you excellent advice.

How you feel is normal. He lied, you feel betrayed. However, it doesn't make you a fool or stupid, it makes you human. A trusting, loving person that went into a relationship with normal expectatoins. Meaning you didn't expect to be lied to, so you weren't operating from that premise. You are NOT LESS THAN because of his lies, his morals, his behavior, choices or words.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:05pm

Thank you both - both posts made a lot of sense to me. I went to the bookstore today to look for the books, and couldn't find them, but I found them online so I might order them.

I just go between such sadness, then into such anger. I keep telling myself that if I get depressed or do something dumb , then I let him win. I have to be sad, be mad, but get past it. And you're right... knowing why won't help. I think the fact that he's just disappeared (which I want, I know, but in the past he would have begged for my forgiveness and to take him back) just leaves me with even more of a sense of loss. He's just gone in a second.

Thanks again! And ideas you have for coping would be appreciated.